4 Kinds of Regret – and What They Teach You about Yourself | Daniel H. Pink | TED

Regret: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

In this talk, the speaker discusses regret as an emotion that is often misunderstood. He shares insights from his research on regret and highlights how regrets can make us better if we treat them right. He also talks about four core regrets that people around the world express.

Foundation Regrets

• These are regrets about making choices that didn't allow for a stable platform in life.

• Examples include not saving enough money or not working hard enough in school.

Boldness Regrets

• These are regrets about not taking chances.

• People who took chances and failed don't have many regrets compared to those who didn't take any chances.

Moral Regrets

• These are regrets about doing the wrong thing at a juncture where one could choose to do the right thing.

• Example: stealing a candy bar as a child and feeling guilty about it for 60 years.

Relationship Regrets

• These are regrets related to relationships with family, friends, or romantic partners.

• Examples include not spending enough time with loved ones or not expressing love when given the chance.

Conclusion

• Everyone has regrets, but they can be beneficial if treated right.

• By understanding common types of regret, we can learn from others' experiences and avoid similar mistakes.

Connection Regrets

In this section, the speaker talks about connection regrets and how relationships come apart. He explains that people often regret not reaching out to others and emphasizes the importance of doing so.

The Nature of Connection Regrets

• People have a relationship or ought to have a relationship.

• Relationships come apart by drifting apart rather than through some kind of explosive rift.

• People don't want to reach out because they say it’s going to be awkward to reach out, and the other side is not going to care.

Four Core Regrets

• Foundation regrets: “If only I’d done the work.”

• Boldness regrets: “If only I’d taken the chance.”

• Moral regrets: “If only I’d done the right thing.”

• Connection regrets: “If only I’d reached out.”

Understanding What We Value Most

• Each of these four core regrets reveals something fundamental about humanity and what we need.

• By studying regret, we know what constitutes a good life, a life of stability, a life where you have a chance to take risks, a life where you’re doing the right thing and a life where you have people who love you and whom you love.

Takeaways from Studying Regret

In this section, the speaker discusses his biggest takeaway from studying regret. He also talks about how much people want to talk about their regrets and why it's important to do so.

The Speaker's Biggest Takeaway

• The biggest takeaway was connection regrets.

• Many people had similar stories where they had a friendship or some kind of relationship that came apart because they didn't reach out.

Why It's Important to Talk About Regret

• People want to talk about their regrets.

• The taboo of "I don’t have any regrets" is ridiculous.

• If we start talking about our regrets, we'll be better off.

The Ethic of Always Reaching Out

In this section, the speaker talks about the importance of always reaching out to others and how it can help us live a good life.

The Importance of Reaching Out

• The speaker emphasizes that we should always reach out to others, especially during difficult times.

• A member shares her regret about not building her confidence earlier in life and missing opportunities as a result.

• The speaker notes that not speaking up is one of the most common regrets people have.

Dealing with Regrets

• Ignoring our regrets or wallowing in them are both bad ideas.

• We should use our regrets as signals for our thinking and learn from them.

• Reframing our regrets and thinking about them differently can be helpful.

How to Make Better Decisions by Knowing Your Regrets

In this section, the speaker discusses how knowing our regrets can help us make better decisions.

Understanding Our Regrets

• Our regrets can reveal what we value and what we want in life.

• We often regret things we didn't do more than things we did do.

• Our biggest regrets often involve relationships and social connections.

Using Regrets to Make Better Decisions

• Reflecting on our past regrets can help us make better decisions in the future.

• We should focus on the decisions that matter most to us and consider our long-term goals.

• We can use our regrets to motivate us to take action and make positive changes in our lives.

The Power of Vulnerability

In this section, the speaker talks about the power of vulnerability and how it can help us connect with others.

Embracing Vulnerability

• The speaker emphasizes that vulnerability is not weakness, but rather a strength.

• Being vulnerable allows us to connect with others on a deeper level.

• Vulnerability requires courage and a willingness to be open and honest with ourselves and others.

Overcoming Shame

• Shame often prevents us from being vulnerable and connecting with others.

• We need to recognize shame when it arises and challenge the negative beliefs that underlie it.

• Sharing our vulnerabilities with others can help us overcome shame and build stronger connections.

The Importance of Gratitude

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of gratitude in our lives.

Practicing Gratitude

• Gratitude involves focusing on what we have rather than what we lack.

• Practicing gratitude has been linked to numerous benefits, including improved well-being and relationships.

• We can cultivate gratitude by keeping a gratitude journal or expressing appreciation for others.

Overcoming Negativity Bias

• Our brains are wired to focus on negative experiences, which can make it difficult to feel grateful.

• We can overcome negativity bias by intentionally focusing on positive experiences and practicing gratitude regularly.

• Gratitude can help us shift our perspective and find joy in the present moment.

The Importance of Self-Compassion

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of self-compassion and how it can improve our well-being.

What is Self-Compassion?

• Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance.

• It requires acknowledging our own suffering and responding with compassion rather than self-criticism.

• Self-compassion is not self-indulgence or self-pity, but rather a way of relating to ourselves with greater kindness and care.

Benefits of Self-Compassion

• Practicing self-compassion has been linked to numerous benefits, including reduced stress and anxiety, improved relationships, and greater resilience.

• It can help us cope with difficult emotions and situations more effectively.

• We can cultivate self-compassion through mindfulness practices, self-care activities, and reframing negative thoughts about ourselves.

The Power of Forgiveness

In this section, the speaker talks about the power of forgiveness in our lives.

What is Forgiveness?

• Forgiveness involves letting go of anger, resentment, and the desire for revenge.

• It does not mean condoning or excusing harmful behavior, but rather releasing ourselves from the burden of negative emotions.

• Forgiveness is a process that can take time and effort, but it can lead to greater peace and well-being.

Benefits of Forgiveness

• Practicing forgiveness has been linked to numerous benefits, including improved mental health, reduced stress and anxiety, and better relationships.

• It can help us let go of grudges and move on from past hurts.

• We can cultivate forgiveness through empathy, compassion, and understanding for ourselves and others.

The Importance of Mindfulness

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of mindfulness in our lives.

What is Mindfulness?

• Mindfulness involves paying attention to the present moment with curiosity and non-judgment.

• It requires being fully engaged in our experiences without getting caught up in thoughts or distractions.

• Mindfulness is a skill that can be developed through regular practice.

Benefits of Mindfulness

• Practicing mindfulness has been linked to numerous benefits, including reduced stress and anxiety, improved focus and concentration, and greater emotional regulation.

• It can help us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them.

• We can cultivate mindfulness through meditation, breathing exercises, and other mindfulness practices.

Treating Regret with Self-Compassion and Disclosure

In this section, the speaker discusses how to treat regret with self-compassion and disclosure. He explains that treating ourselves with kindness rather than contempt is important, as well as disclosing our regrets to others.

Treating Regret with Self-Compassion

• We can treat ourselves with self-compassion when dealing with regret.

• When we disclose our regrets to others, we relieve some of the burden and begin the sense-making process.

• Disclosing our vulnerabilities and weaknesses can actually make people like us more because they empathize with us.

Extracting a Lesson from Regret

• The final step in dealing with regret is to extract a lesson from it.

• The speaker asks Lily what lesson she learned from her regret of not speaking up.

• The lesson Lily extracted was to speak up next time.

Applying Lessons Learned from Regret

In this section, the speaker discusses how to apply lessons learned from regret in future situations.

Speaking Up

• The speaker encourages Lily to speak up at her next meeting when she has something to say.

• People in the chat hold Lily accountable for speaking up at her next meeting.

Dealing With Painful Life Regrets

In this section, the speaker answers a question about dealing with painful life regrets.

Advice for Dealing With Painful Life Regrets

• The speaker advises not being paralyzed by fear or further regret when dealing with painful life regrets.

Regrets of Action and Inaction

The architecture of regret often includes two kinds of regrets: regrets of action and regrets of inaction. Inaction regrets predominate, making it harder to undo them. The key is to think about what you will do next time.

Opportunities Lost

• With action regrets, we can try to undo them, make amends, look for the silver lining, and reduce the sting.

• For inaction regrets, it is harder. The key is to think about what you will do next time.

• When at a juncture, take the opportunity, play it safe. Stop and think about your regret before making a decision.

• Use self-distancing by being Claudia five years from now looking back on Claudia today. What decision does Claudia 2027 want Claudia 2022 to make?

• Ask yourself what would you tell your best friend to do?

Definition of Regret

There's a difference between a regret and a mistake. A regret is something where you look backward at something that where you had control or agency.

Duration of Negative Emotion

• You can make a mistake and not regret it because you immediately learn something from it or it was a worthy mistake.

• A regret sticks with you for a very long time because there's enough significance that stays with you.

• There's a huge difference between regret and disappointment because with disappointment, you don't have any kind of control.

Core Regrets

• Going back to the four core regrets, it ends up being the same kinds of things.

• If you said, "Oh, I shouldn't have bought that kind of car," it might sting for a little bit, but the half-life is very short.