Jay Shetty: 8 Rules For Perfect Love & Amazing Sex! | E217

The Four Important Decisions in Life

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about the four important decisions that we all get to make in life.

The Four Important Decisions

• Let's Talk About Sex: Great sex is a byproduct of great connection and intimacy. It's not a replacement for or a sore song.

• Struggles: People often think sacrificing their purpose makes them a better partner when actually it makes them more resentful and guilty.

• Reflection: Jay reflects on his journey and reassesses where he wants to be, what he wants to do, how he wants to give his energy.

• Renewal: After pouring out everything, Jay feels like he is ready to grow again and pour that out again but needs to go and refill that cup.

How Are You?

In this section, Jay Shetty asks Stephen how he is doing and they discuss the feeling of being at an evolutionary stage in one's journey.

Evolutionary Stage

• Deeply Reflecting: Stephen shares that he is reflecting, reviewing, and reassessing where he wants to be, what he wants to do, how he wants to give his energy.

• Regeneration Stage: Stephen feels like he did a lot of growing and poured it all out. Now he is ready to grow again but needs to go and rediscover what excites him.

What Do You Want To Do In Five Years?

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about the importance of figuring out what you want to do in five years.

Figuring Out What You Want To Do

• Looking Ahead: Jay shares that he has been feeling like he wants to know where he wants to be in five years or which direction he wants to move in.

• Goal: Jay's goal right now is to figure out what he wants to do and what he wants to put his mind to for the next five years.

The Importance of Passion and Creativity

Jay Shetty discusses the importance of pursuing one's passion and creativity, rather than simply repeating patterns or algorithms. He emphasizes that true impact comes from a place of abundant creativity and genuine compassion.

Pursuing One's Passion

• Jay believes that pursuing one's passion is essential for achieving success.

• He explains that he came at his work with a desire to serve and uplift individuals, which led to his success.

• Jay emphasizes the importance of not getting lost in patterns or algorithms, but instead focusing on what fuels one's soul.

Breaking Cycles

• Jay discusses how he has broken cycles throughout his career by choosing to quit when something no longer fuels him.

• He gives an example of leaving Facebook when the format he was using no longer fueled him.

• Jay explains that he wanted to dive into long-form content like podcasts and books because he felt limited by short-form content.

Knowing When to Quit

In this section, Jay Shetty discusses how knowing when to quit can be beneficial in breaking cycles and pursuing one's passions.

Serial Quitter

• Jay talks about how someone once called him a "serial quitter," which made him realize that quitting can be beneficial in certain situations.

• He explains that quitting something that no longer fuels you can allow you to pursue new opportunities.

Overall, Jay emphasizes the importance of pursuing one's passion and creativity, and knowing when to quit in order to break cycles and pursue new opportunities.

Performance vs Passion

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about how performance drains us and how he shifted his focus from creating short videos to creating programs that can help people build habits and transform their lives.

Raw Passion Becomes Performance

• Raw passion becomes performance.

• Performance is draining because it's a false acting version of what you're creating.

Shift in Focus

• The quality of what Jay wants to give people has changed.

• Four-minute videos were great for motivation and inspiration but couldn't help build a habit or practically change someone's life.

• Jay is more interested in habit change and transformation than ideas and information.

Redefining Success

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about redefining success by doing something that gives him joy and makes him happy while also giving other people joy and making them happy.

Quitting Facebook

• Jay quit Facebook because it was doing nothing for him.

• When people get paid to do something they love, they lose the love for it when the motivation becomes extrinsic cash or punishment or reward.

Definition of Success

• Part of the definition of success for Jay is doing something that gives him joy and makes him happy while also giving other people joy and making them happy.

• Jay redefined what he does every two years.

Trusting Intuition

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about trusting his intuition and continuing to take risks.

Following Fascination

• Jay is fascinated by love and that's where he's at right now.

• Jay wants everything he does to be an extension of his heart.

Taking Risks

• This is not the point to stop taking risks; it's the point to continue taking risks because that's what creates joy, happiness, abundance, success, and everything else Jay is looking for.

Conclusion

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about the importance of not becoming more scared of trusting intuition and how he wants to keep doing that.

Final Thoughts

• Jay has learned that he can trust his intuition every single time.

• He doesn't want to keep doing something that has diminishing returns for him only to live off the validation and attention that comes from others.

• The key takeaway is to do something that gives you joy and makes you happy while also giving other people joy and making them happy.

Rediscovery and Scrappiness

In this section, the speakers discuss the need for rediscovery and scrappiness in building a business. They also talk about the challenges of balancing these qualities with the impact and influence that come with growth.

Balancing Scrappiness and Impact

• The speaker talks about how they used to be more scrappy when starting out but now have to consider more people and things.

• They mention the paradox of wanting to be scrappy but also accepting that they are not small anymore and things have more impact.

• The speaker struggles with finding a balance between being scrappy and being aware of how their decisions can negatively impact others.

Being a Target

• The speaker talks about how as their business grows, they become more vulnerable and are seen as a target by others.

• They discuss their biggest fear related to being a target, using examples from their own experience.

Life Transformation

In this section, the speakers discuss personal transformation over time, including changes in lifestyle, career paths, and self-perception.

Embracing Change

• The speaker reflects on how much their life has changed over the past 10 years since leaving the monastery.

• They describe going from having nothing to multiple businesses, marriage, fashion interests, team-building skills, mindfulness coaching abilities.

• The speaker acknowledges resistance from others who believe they should only be one thing (e.g., monk), but embraces being many things at once.

Personal Growth

• The speaker discusses how people are often forced to be one thing (e.g., accountant, lawyer, parent), but personal growth involves embracing multiple identities.

Being a Target

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about the idea of being a target and how people often try to limit others based on their past experiences. He also discusses how he felt when he received critical feedback and how it affected him.

Feeling Limited

• People often try to limit others based on their past experiences.

• Jay Shetty believes that he should be allowed to tell his story as it is now, not just who he was in the past.

• He questions why he can't be accepted for who he is now instead of being limited by his past.

Critical Feedback

• Jay Shetty admits that there were times when critical feedback bothered him.

• He experienced deep bouts of anxiety and depression during this time.

• He had to take some time alone to process his feelings and make sense of what was happening.

Comparison

• There was a constant comparison between Jay Shetty's work and his message of thinking like a monk.

• People would question how someone who is selling millions of books could talk about living like a monk.

• This constant comparison made Jay feel like people wanted him to fail or not be true to himself.

Processing Criticism

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about how he processed criticism and dealt with negative comments.

Seven Days Alone

• After receiving negative feedback, Jay took seven days alone to process his feelings.

• The first day was spent reading everything that made him feel bad or defensive.

• He immersed himself in all the negative comments, tweets, articles, etc., which made him feel terrible.

Defensive Feelings

• Reading all the negative comments made Jay feel defensive and wish people could understand him better.

• He wished he could talk to those who misunderstood him and explain things better.

Self-Reflection

• Jay spent time reflecting on himself and his work during those seven days.

• He questioned how he felt about himself and what happened.

• He also thought about how he could improve and be better.

Conclusion

In this section, Jay Shetty concludes the interview by discussing how he feels about being true to himself and not letting criticism affect him.

Being True to Himself

• Jay Shetty believes in being true to himself and not changing who he is for others.

• He doesn't want to defend himself constantly or feel like people want him to fail.

Accepting Criticism

• While criticism can be difficult, Jay Shetty has learned to accept it as part of the process.

• He believes that people will always have their opinions, but it's important to stay true to oneself.

The Challenge of Processing Feedback

In this section, the speaker talks about how he processed feedback and criticism during the early days of his career transition.

Processing Criticism

• Initially, the speaker was defensive and explained himself when faced with criticism.

• On day three and four, he started to believe some of the criticism and embodied those ideas.

• This made him question whether he was fully genuine or not.

• He felt physically sick in the morning and had to work through it over the next couple of hours.

Making Sense of Feedback

• Days five and six were spent making sense of feedback received.

• The speaker tried to understand what was feedback, what were shots fired, and what he believed about himself.

• He also tried to develop a sense of perspective on why people feel the need to criticize others.

External Changes

• The speaker acknowledges that his life has changed externally very quickly since leaving monkhood 10 years ago.

• He realizes that maybe he needs to explain his intentions more clearly instead of just doing the work.

Society's Perception

• The apparent contradiction between being a successful content creator and a former monk is what draws criticism towards him.

The Paradox of Money and Monk Teachings

In this section, the speaker talks about the paradox of money and how it relates to the teachings of monks. He explains that while he recognizes the paradox, he is living it himself. He also discusses how the perception of monks not having money is a simplistic version of a far deeper idea.

Money as Energy

• The speaker explains that in the monk's philosophy, everything in the world is simply energy and can be used for something higher or could be abused.

• He gives an example of a story where a teacher asks a student if they would give one person 100 pounds or give 100 people one pound each. The student says they would give 100 pounds to one person because it would be impactful, but another way to look at it is giving one pound each to 100 people because it helps them learn how to become better at giving and gives 100 people an opportunity to grow.

• The speaker emphasizes that anything can be used for good or for worse, and that having resources allows us to do more good in the world.

Filling Your Bottle

• The speaker talks about his conversation with his monk teacher who told him "you can't pour out for others that which you don't have in your own bottle." He explains that filling his bottle with financial resources, skills, knowledge, network, and reputation has allowed him to make a greater impact on others.

• He also discusses the balance between being highly self-reflective and open to feedback without being too harsh on oneself.

Confronting Your Ugliest Side

In this section, the speaker talks about confronting one's ugliest side and how it can be uncomfortable to consider faults in oneself. He discusses the balance between being self-reflective and open to feedback without being too harsh on oneself.

Confronting Your Ugly Side

• The speaker explains that when doing an activity like this, one must be highly self-reflective and open to feedback but not get into the harsh mindset of killing oneself.

• He discusses the balance between defending oneself and thinking they are a good person versus thinking they are the worst.

Overall, the speaker emphasizes the importance of filling one's bottle with resources in order to make a greater impact on others, while also acknowledging the need for self-reflection and growth.

The Battle Within

In this section, the speaker talks about his daily practice of feeding the good dog inside him and how he doesn't associate deeply with his ugly side. He also discusses the idea that if you feel unaffected by illusion or the dark side, you're in the dark side.

Feeding the Good Dog

• The speaker's daily habit is to try and feed the good dog inside him.

• He doesn't associate deeply with his ugly side because he hasn't fed it for a long time.

• If you feel unaffected by Maya (illusion), you're in Maya.

Relishing the Battle

• The battle between good and bad is never won or lost; it's a constant relishing of the battle.

• As soon as you think you've won, that's when you're most likely to lose because that's when you put your guard down.

• Putting your guard down to your own envy, comparison, and ego is unhealthy.

Weeds in Life

• The speaker grapples with envy, jealousy, comparison, ego on a daily basis.

• Avoiding or ignoring one's dark side isn't healthy.

• Every day is a battle of accepting both sides within oneself.

Planting Seeds

• We all have to plant a seed and tend to it every day because weeds are going to grow around it every day.

• Sometimes plucking out weeds isn't enough; sometimes ripping them out is necessary.

• The speaker sits with himself in meditation every day and tries to pluck out the weeds.

Winning the Battle

• The speaker doesn't believe there's a point where he's won the battle.

• Thinking you've won is when you lose.

• Every day, the speaker monitors his life for weeds that continue to show up.

Right Way of Living Life

• The belief that one's perspective, opinion, priorities, and values should be everyone's is a weed in the speaker's life.

• This weed often shows up when one is complacent.

Prioritizing Different Paces in a Relationship

In this section, Jay Shetty talks about how he and his wife have different paces in life and how they prioritize different things. He also discusses the importance of not imposing one's pace on their partner.

Different Paces in Life

• Jay describes how his wife wakes up early and takes her time to do things at her own pace.

• He acknowledges that he cannot relate to her pace but understands that it is important for her.

• Jay asks if anyone has made the mistake of exerting their ambition on someone else's pace.

Not Imposing One's Pace on Their Partner

• Jay explains that he has never pushed his pace on his wife because he values coaching and knows that a coach should never dictate the pace of their student.

• He shares an example of how people would tell his wife to start a restaurant even though she did not want to, and how he helped her realize that just because something is a good idea does not mean it needs to be pursued.

• Jay emphasizes the importance of opening up conversations with one's partner about goals or intentions without pressuring them into adopting one's own ideas.

Being a Coach in a Partnership

• Jay believes that embodying being a coach in his partnership has allowed him and his wife to allow each other's good qualities to rub off on each other.

• He shares an example of how his wife helped him focus more on taking care of his body by working out regularly and eating healthily.

Preaching by Example

In this section, the speaker emphasizes the importance of leading by example and how it can inspire others.

Leading by Example

• The speaker suggests that one should always preach wherever they are in everything they do and if necessary, use words.

• The speaker believes that one's example and practice is what inspires people more than anything else.

• The Intel V Pro platform allows remote management, repair, and protection of devices across an entire organization no matter how large or small. This feature is important to the speaker as he values employee flexibility and trust.

Health and Nutrition

In this section, the speaker talks about his reliance on a product called "Huel" for his nutritional needs.

Huel Product

• The speaker has been using Huel for three and a half years as it helps him stay nutritionally complete while being incredibly productive.

• Huel has been a sponsor of the podcast since its launch, enabling the show to continue.

• When the podcast hit a million subscribers on YouTube, the founder of Huel congratulated the speaker on his success.

Relationships: Physical Attraction

In this section, the speakers discuss physical attraction in relationships.

Physical Attraction in Relationships

• The speakers discuss what would happen if one partner no longer found their significant other attractive due to lack of self-care.

• The focus is on understanding where each person is coming from rather than jumping to conclusions or making assumptions.

• The speakers agree that if the person is not willing to open up or seek help, there may be little one can do to control the situation.

Understanding a Partner's Journey

In this section, the speakers discuss how understanding a partner's journey can help in relationships.

Understanding a Partner's Journey

• The speakers emphasize the importance of understanding where a partner is coming from and what they want out of life.

• It is important to see patterns over time rather than jumping to conclusions based on short-term behavior.

• If someone is not willing to seek help or open up, there may be little one can do to control the situation.

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Going Deeper in Relationships

In this section, the speaker talks about the importance of going deeper in relationships and understanding each other's values. He advises against trying to change people and instead encourages respecting each other's differences.

Understanding Each Other's Values

• Going deeper means going to the roots of a person's values.

• By doing so, you give them an opportunity to feel heard and understood.

• Relationships are more about learning to respect each other's values than making them value what we value.

Stop Trying to Change People

• People don't change for others; they change for themselves.

• Trying to change someone means you love their potential, not who they are.

• The right thing is being a supporter and partner who adds value rather than playing the role of fixer or project.

Conclusion

The speaker emphasizes that relationships require mutual respect and acceptance of differences. Going deeper into understanding each other's values can help build stronger connections.

The Importance of Understanding Your Partner's Vision

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of understanding your partner's vision and how forcing them to change or do something they don't want to do can push them away.

Understanding Your Partner's Vision

• Forcing your partner to read a book or get into a trend is not going to excite or entice them. It will push them away.

• People become atheists because religion failed them. Similarly, forcing someone into personal growth, health, mindfulness, yoga, etc., can give it a bad taste.

• Pushing someone aggressively to do something is presenting their flaw that you have identified. It is not going to work in love.

• Love means understanding why someone makes the choices they make. Most people don't know why their partners make those choices.

Asking About Your Partner's Vision

• Ask your partner where they want their life and relationship to go before interfering with it.

• Most people haven't asked their partners about their vision for the relationship and their own lives.

• Before asking your partner about their vision, you should have an idea of what you want from the relationship.

Defining Love

• Liking each other's personality means spending 200 hours with each other trying to understand them.

• Respecting each other's values requires knowing what those values are by asking and observing how they spend time and money.

• Helping each other achieve goals is love. However, most people don't know where their partners want to go.

Conclusion

• People struggle with the fundamental things that define love because they try to patch it up with other things that make them feel good.

Making Distance Work in Relationships

In this section, the speaker talks about his experience with long-distance relationships and how he has learned to make distance work for him.

Long-Distance Relationships

• The speaker and his wife have been together for 10 years and have spent up to six months apart at a time due to work schedules and priorities.

• The speaker believes that distance can be good for relationships if it is done consciously. It is important to have a plan for how to be apart, reconnect, and stay in touch.

• Unconscious time apart is not healthy for a relationship. It is important to know why you are disconnected, how long it will last, and how you will reconnect.

• Six months apart was too long for the speaker. It took six months of conscious reconnection after six months of unconscious disconnectedness to help them connect again.

Conscious Communication

• The speaker has changed the way he feels about distance. He now makes sure that it is always communicated and organized.

• The speaker sets up habits that are helpful such as spending quality time together every 30 days without their phones.

• Everyone needs to come up with their own version of relationship rules. One example given was if an opportunity invites them to be apart for more than two weeks they either go together or don't go.

Levels of Connection

• No bullet points provided in this section.

Overall, the speaker emphasizes the importance of conscious communication when dealing with distance in relationships. It is important to have a plan for being apart, reconnecting, and staying in touch. Additionally, setting up habits such as spending quality time together without phones can be helpful. Finally, everyone needs to come up with their own version of relationship rules that work for them.

Importance of Shared Experiences in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of shared experiences in relationships and how it can help couples grow closer.

The Pyramid of Intimacy

• Watching TV together is the lowest form of intimacy that couples engage in.

• Couples should aim to do new experiences together to create a shared experience and vulnerability.

• Education is another way for couples to learn and grow together.

• Serving together is the highest form of intimacy that couples can engage in.

Importance of Doing New Things Together

• Couples should try doing things they are not experts at to avoid creating an expert-student mentality.

• Trying new things creates vulnerability without having to have a heart-to-heart conversation.

• Couples can go to art classes, pottery classes or try new sports together.

Pursuing Your Own Purpose

• Pursuing your own purpose is important for bringing out the best version of yourself in a relationship.

• Couples should not rely on TV shows for entertainment but instead pursue their own purpose.

The Four Pursuits of Life

In this section, the speaker describes the four pursuits of life according to The Vedas.

The Four Pursuits

• Dharma is purpose and who you are.

• Artha is economic development.

• Karma is relationships and connection.

• Moksha is liberation or service.

Four Important Decisions in Life

In this section, the speaker discusses the four important decisions that everyone makes in life.

The Four Decisions

• How I feel about myself.

• What do I do to make money?

• Who do I decide to love and receive love from?

• How do I choose to serve the world?

Prioritizing Connection Over Purpose

In this section, the speaker talks about how people prioritize connection over purpose.

The Mistake of Prioritizing Connection Over Purpose

• People often skip purpose because they find connection an easier solution to their internal unhealing.

• Many believe that being in a relationship will make them happier than being single, but studies show that staying single can lead to greater happiness.

• Sacrificing one's own goals and pursuits for a relationship does not make one a better person; it leads to resentment, guilt, and upset.

• It's important for individuals to invest in themselves first before prioritizing others or relationships.

Prioritizing Self-Care

In this section, the speaker emphasizes the importance of prioritizing self-care.

Prioritizing Self-Care

• Couples should rate their top three priorities in order including themselves.

• Sacrificing one's own dreams for decades only leads to regret later on in life.

• Sacrificing one's own purpose does not make one a better partner or person.

• Prioritizing self-care and investing in oneself leads to a happier and more fulfilling life.

Prioritizing Yourself in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of prioritizing oneself in a relationship and how it can lead to finding happiness and security together.

The Role of Your Partner

• What role is your partner meant to play in fixing you?

• You don't have to be perfectly happy before meeting them, but you need to know who you are, your values, and goals.

• This practice will help with communication and articulation when things change.

Skipping Step One

• If you skip step one (Dharma), which is making sense of who you are and what your role in this world is, it can ruin potentially safe relationships.

• Skipping steps one and two means that the work will have to be done with another person, which could slow down or ruin a great thing.

Cheating the Game of Life

• People feel like they have a clock when it comes to relationships.

• Skipping steps one and two could lead to pushing someone away or ruining a great thing.

• The game of life pushes people back to learn lessons they haven't learned yet.

Steps to Finding the Right Relationship

In this section, the speaker provides steps to finding the right relationship.

Steps to Finding the Right Relationship

• Fix yourself first by figuring out what you like and dislike about yourself and life. Learn about your values and goals.

• Work towards stability in terms of finances, health, self-development, and personal growth.

• Pursue pleasure and connection through relationships with others.

Challenges of Dating Today

In this section, the speaker discusses the challenges of dating today.

Challenges of Dating Today

• The world has changed, making it harder to meet people compared to a few years ago.

• There is more choice now due to technology, which can lead to anxiety and insecurity.

• Making decisions from a place of stress or insecurity is not helpful in finding a healthy relationship.

Mindset for Finding Love

In this section, the speaker talks about having the right mindset for finding love.

Mindset for Finding Love

• Accept that making decisions from your current mindset will not help you make good ones.

• Figure out what you like and dislike about yourself and life. Identify your values and goals.

• Spend time in places where you are likely to meet people with similar likes/dislikes or values. Ask friends who know people with similar values for introductions.

• Simplify the selection process by knowing what you want in yourself (values/goals) and what you want in a partner.

Delaying Gratification

In this section, the speaker talks about delaying gratification.

Delaying Gratification

• There is something interesting about delaying gratification.

The Importance of Self-Esteem

In this section, the speaker discusses how self-esteem affects decision-making and the importance of valuing oneself.

Self-Esteem and Decision-Making

• Dopamine is a feel-good chemical that affects the reward center in the brain.

• Low self-esteem makes it harder to delay gratification and make good long-term decisions.

• People often prioritize immediate satisfaction over doing foundational work.

Attracting What You Value

• People attract what they use to impress others.

• Using money or physical appearance to attract someone means attracting someone who values those things.

• Relying solely on physical appearance can lead to attracting people with wrong values.

Undervaluing Oneself

• Allowing others to define one's worth leads to undervaluation.

• Valuing oneself prevents undervaluation by others.

• Everyone feels undervalued when not perceived by the right people for the right things.

The Story of the Stone

In this section, the speaker shares a fable about a stone and its value, emphasizing that we should not let others define our worth.

The Fable of the Stone

• A boy finds a stone and asks his father its value.

• His father tells him to sell it at different places while holding up two fingers as its price.

• The baker offers $2, an antique shop offers $200, and a jeweler offers $2000 for it.

Defining Our Own Worth

• Letting others define our worth leads to undervaluation.

• Knowing our own value prevents us from being undervalued by others.

• We must price ourselves based on our own worth rather than letting others do it for us.

Valuing Oneself

In this section, the speaker answers the question of how to genuinely value oneself.

Genuinely Valuing Oneself

• Genuine self-value comes from within and not just from saying it in the mirror or writing it down.

• We must recognize our own worth and not let others define it for us.

• Knowing our own value prevents undervaluation by others.

Self-Worth and Doing Hard Things

In this section, the speaker talks about how self-worth comes from doing hard things and recognizing the growth that comes with it. He encourages listeners to challenge themselves by doing something difficult.

Recognizing Self-Worth

• Real self-worth comes from doing hard things.

• Self-value comes from recognizing the hardship you've been through and the growth that you made during that time.

Challenging Yourself

• Challenge yourself to do something difficult on your own or with friends.

• Doing hard things helps build skills, tools, and value in oneself.

Sex in Relationships

The speaker discusses how social media has created a false image of sex in relationships. They explain how sexual chemistry is based on how someone feels about themselves and their partner.

Struggles with Sex in Relationships

• Many people are struggling with sex in their relationships for various reasons.

• Lack of conversation around sex is common, leading to porn-influenced ideas about sex.

Importance of Connection and Intimacy

• Sexual chemistry is based on how someone feels about themselves.

• Great sex is a byproduct of great connection and intimacy between two healthy individuals who are growing together.

• Sex should not be used as a crutch or replacement for emotional connection.

The Importance of Intimacy in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses how intimacy is crucial for a healthy relationship and how physical intimacy is a natural byproduct of emotional closeness.

Intimacy vs. Obligation

• The speaker explains that intimacy is not something that can be forced physically or through obligation.

• Physical proximity does not necessarily lead to emotional closeness.

• Doing things together that make you closer every day, such as engaging in service together, creates intimacy.

Love vs. Liking

• The speaker shares a quote from Buddha about the difference between liking and loving someone.

• When you like a flower, you simply pluck it; when you love a flower, you water it every day.

• Developing intimacy involves growing from entertainment to experiments to experiences to education to engaging in service together.

Pornography and Masturbation

• The speaker believes that pornography and masturbation are unhealthy because they are used as an escape or avoidance of real-life issues.

• Watching porn can create unrealistic expectations of sex and diminish pleasure from normal sex.

• People who watch porn may feel guilty or shameful about it afterward.

Negative Effects of Pornography on Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses how pornography can negatively impact relationships by creating unrealistic expectations and diminishing pleasure from normal sex.

Diminishing Returns

• Watching porn can create diminishing returns where people have to find more extreme content to get the same feeling.

• This rewires the brain for false expectations and makes people work harder for less pleasure.

Unrealistic Expectations

• Pornography creates unrealistic expectations of sex and intimacy.

• People may only feel pleasure from abusive or violent sexual acts after watching too much porn.

Difficult Conversations

• It can be difficult for partners to talk about pornography use in their relationship.

• People who watch porn may feel guilty or shameful about it afterward.

Guilt and Shame Associated with Pornography Use

In this section, the speaker discusses how people who watch pornography may feel guilty or shameful about it afterward.

Internal Conflict

• The speaker believes that people who watch porn may not feel good about it internally.

• They may feel guilty, shameful, or embarrassed about their behavior.

• This internal conflict can create problems in relationships.

The Importance of Interviewing Your Partner

In this section, the speaker discusses how accusations and interrogations can negatively impact a relationship. Instead, he suggests that partners should approach each other with curiosity and understanding.

Accusations vs. Interviews

• Accusations such as "you're such a waste" or "you're one of the worst guys" can make someone feel defensive and unwilling to open up.

• Partners should approach each other with curiosity and ask questions in an interview-like manner to better understand each other's perspectives.

Judging Our Partners

• The speaker believes that one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is judging our partners for watching porn when it is a common human behavior.

• He encourages people to be more accepting and understanding towards their partners' habits instead of making them feel less than.

Personal Experience with Pornography

In this section, the speaker shares his personal experience with pornography and celibacy.

Early Sexual Experiences

• The speaker had sex early on in life while most of his friends were watching porn, so he did not form a habit of watching it himself.

• By the time his friends started having real sex, he became a monk practicing celibacy for three years which allowed him to redirect his energy towards self-work instead of pursuing sexual relationships.

Celibacy as a Tool for Better Decision Making

• The speaker suggests that people commit to not having sex for a committed number of months when dating someone new to allow themselves to make better decisions about whether there is real intimacy or connection beyond just physical attraction.

• Celibacy can be practiced in small doses to make healthier decisions and redirect creative energy towards self-work.

Redirecting Energy Towards Creativity

In this section, the speaker discusses how celibacy allowed him to redirect his energy towards creativity and self-work.

Proper Use of Energy

• The speaker believes that celibacy is not about repression or suppression but rather re-utilizing vital energy in a different direction.

• He encourages people to think about how much time, money, and energy they spend pursuing someone they like and redirect that energy towards creativity instead.

Closing Thoughts

• The speaker concludes by encouraging people to use celibacy as a tool for making better decisions and redirecting their creative energy towards self-work.

The Importance of Role Models

In this section, the speaker talks about how meeting a monk at 18 years old changed his life and helped him understand the importance of role models who display boundless compassion, extreme humility, and sincere empathy.

Meeting a Monk

• The speaker met a monk when he was 18 years old.

• He had never before experienced such visible or emotional humility and compassion.

• The speaker believes that there are very few people in the world who display boundless compassion and extreme humility.

• He thinks that the lack of role models who live these values is why we struggle with living them ourselves.

Accessing Our True Selves

• The speaker believes that every person has a spark of boundless compassion, extreme humility, and genuine empathy within them.

• He wants to help people uncover this part of themselves by sharing his experiences with role models who embody these values.

Gratitude for Honest Conversations

In this section, the speaker expresses gratitude for having honest conversations with someone who reciprocates his openness.

Honesty in Conversation

• The speaker thanks his conversation partner for being willing to reciprocate honesty in their conversations.

• He appreciates the variety, depth, and openness that they bring to their discussions.

Appreciation for His Partner's Work

• The speaker praises his conversation partner's book on love as unique and interesting.

• He is excited to attend his partner's world tour and believes that his message will be even more powerful on stage.

• The speaker encourages others to read the book and attend the tour.

Gratitude for His Partner

• The speaker expresses gratitude for his partner's work and willingness to have honest conversations with him.

Relationship and Vulnerability

In this section, the speaker talks about their relationship with the person they are speaking to and how it allowed them to be more vulnerable.

Increased Vulnerability

• The speaker feels that they were even more vulnerable in this conversation compared to their last one due to their relationship with the person they are speaking to.

• The speaker hopes that everyone listening understands that they were able to be so open because of the trust and understanding they have with the person they are speaking to.

Understanding and Compliments

• The speaker appreciates how well the other person understands them despite not spending much time together.

• The other person gives a compliment, thanking the speaker for being so vulnerable.