Being KIND is NOT being NICE: understanding the two faces of kindness
Being Kind Isn't Being Nice or the Two Faces of Kindness
In this short talk, Dr. Orion Taraban discusses the concept of kindness and how it is not synonymous with simply being nice. He explores the two faces of kindness and emphasizes the importance of both showing mercy and offering relief, as well as practicing loving honesty to prevent unnecessary self-destruction.
The First Face of Kindness: Mercy and Relief
- Kindness is not adding insult to injury or kicking someone when they're down.
- It involves refraining from punishment, judgment, or censure during someone's tough times.
- Being kind also means offering relief and support to alleviate suffering.
- This applies to both others and ourselves, as it is important to be kind to ourselves when we fail or fall short of our goals.
The Second Face of Kindness: Loving Honesty
- Kindness also involves loving honesty and not allowing others to continue hurting themselves unnecessarily.
- It requires recognizing that certain behaviors are self-destructive without judgment or censure.
- While intervention may not always be successful, true kindness entails at least trying to bring attention to the harmful behavior.
- This approach comes from a place of love and truth rather than a moral obligation for people to change their ways.
Pathological Kindness vs. Real Kindness
- Pathological kindness is when one only exercises mercy without addressing harmful behavior.
- This can enable destructive patterns and worsen situations over time.
- Real kindness requires both mercy and loving honesty, acknowledging that individuals are not purely victims but somewhat complicit in their suffering.
Examples Illustrating the Two Faces of Kindness
Example 1: Drug Overdoses in San Francisco
- In San Francisco, more people died from drug overdoses in the streets than from COVID-19 during the shutdowns.
- Some argue that intervening in these individuals' lives would be unkind, as they have already suffered enough.
- However, this perspective neglects the importance of providing consequences, structure, and accountability to prevent further harm.
Example 2: Dealing with an Alcoholic Loved One
- Enabling an alcoholic by saying or doing nothing is not kind; it is a strategy to avoid conflict.
- Moralizing and complaining about their drinking also do not effectively address the issue.
- Kindness involves expressing concern for their well-being, acknowledging the negative impact on relationships and health, and offering support.
Conclusion
Kindness has two faces: mercy and relief, as well as loving honesty. It is essential to practice both aspects to truly help others without enabling destructive behaviors. Real kindness requires recognizing individuals' agency in their suffering while approaching them with love and truth.