The 6 RED FLAGS You Need To Avoid In A Relationship! (WATCH OUT FOR THIS!) | Esther Perel

The Myths of Romantic Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the myth that we are looking for one person to fulfill all our needs in a romantic relationship.

The Myth of One Person

• The notion that we are looking for the one and only is a myth.

• We have never expected so much of our romantic relationships as we do today.

• Instead of relying on one person to fulfill all our needs, we should look to build a community around us.

Disasters and Relationships

In this section, the speaker talks about how disasters can affect relationships.

Relationship Accelerators

• Disasters are relationship accelerators.

• Prolonged uncertainty can lead to a reorganization of priorities.

• People may feel an acute awareness of mortality and either rush into or out of relationships.

Pandemics and Breakups

• Research shows that pandemics and other large psychosocial events often lead to more breakups and more babies.

• It remains to be seen what the exact statistics will be for this pandemic.

Divorce Rates by Marriage Number

In this section, the speaker discusses divorce rates by marriage number.

First Marriages

• Less than 50% of first marriages end in divorce.

• More educated people tend to marry later and divorce less.

Second Marriages

• Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages.

• There is less sacredness to the experience, and people may feel like they waited too long in the first marriage.

Third Marriages

• Third marriages have a lower rate of divorce than second marriages.

• People may have done their personal work and become better partners.

Working on Relationships

In this section, the speaker talks about working with couples who got into a relationship early when there weren't issues and started working with them. The speaker also discusses the difference between love stories and life stories.

Early Relationship Counseling

• Couples can work on their relationships by finding something they can work on together like a book or a therapist.

• Many couples come to therapy when there are problems, but it's also beneficial to come early as a preventive approach.

• Coming early means bringing strengths and challenges from the beginning into the relationship.

Love Stories vs Life Stories

• A love story is an experience of falling in love with someone, even if you have different values and aspirations.

• A life story involves negotiating with the whole world, including developmental arcs, change, addition/subtraction of new people, social circles/communities, passions/hobbies/careers.

• A love story can live alone in a little room without seeing anybody because it feeds on itself beautifully.

• A life story must include other people and demands consonance of values/aspirations/ambitions.

Love Story vs Life Story Continued

In this section, the speaker continues discussing the differences between love stories and life stories.

Love Story vs Life Story Continued

• The ability to foster togetherness while developing differentiation is important for a life story.

• You can love many people who may not be the same people you will have a life story with.

• When you want to build something with someone else, it's a different architecture that requires different materials.

Athletic Greens Partnership

In this section, the speaker talks about their partnership with Athletic Greens and how it has helped them maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Benefits of Athletic Greens

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• Easy to use - one scoop is all that's needed.

• Supports gut health, nervous system, immune system, energy recovery, focus and aging.

• Convenient travel packs available for people who travel frequently.

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Starting Relationships Based on Sexual Connection

In this section, the speaker discusses how many people start relationships based on sexual chemistry rather than shared values or life experiences.

The Problem with Starting Relationships Based on Sexual Connection

• Starting relationships based solely on sexual attraction can lead to struggles later on when trying to build a foundation for the relationship.

• People often create stories about who their partner is without actually communicating or giving space and time to experience who they are as a person.

Why Do People Start Relationships This Way?

• The democratization of contraception has made it possible for people to have premarital sex more easily.

• Sexual freedom and expression have become part of our values in society. Sexuality used to be part of our biology but now it's part of our identity.

How Can People Set Up Healthier Relationships?

• People should focus on more than just sexual attraction when starting a relationship.

• It's important to understand that a powerful erotic connection doesn't necessarily mean that you can also straddle a whole set of life experiences.

• People should not confuse the metaphors and understand that they can have a beautiful erotic connection with someone without it translating into a life experience.

Setting Yourself Up for a Better Relationship

In this section, the speaker discusses how to set oneself up for a better relationship by debunking some common myths about romantic relationships and providing tips on how to approach them.

Debunking Myths About Romantic Relationships

• The idea that there is one person who can fulfill all of our needs in a romantic relationship is a myth. It's important to keep a community around you and maintain deep friendships with friends, mentors, family members, colleagues, etc.

• Stop constantly looking at people as products to be evaluated. Love has become like a market economy where everything has become a product. Instead of evaluating people, focus on what you bring to the table and what responsibility you take in the relationship.

Tips for Approaching Romantic Relationships

• Understand what is really important to you and don't get involved with someone hoping that things will change.

• Accept that ambivalence is part of all relationships. Adult love lives in the realm of ambivalence which means that we continuously have to integrate contradictory feelings and thoughts between love and hate, excitement and fear, envy and contempt, boredom and aliveness.

• Unconditional love is not something that we can expect in adult love. There are periods where we think about what life would be like elsewhere but then come back because it's a conversation. The idea that you will be accepted unconditionally is a dream we have for our parents when we have babies.

Conclusion

The speaker concludes by stating that there is no one-and-only person out there for us. We choose one person at a certain moment in time and try to create the most beautiful relationship we can with that person. However, we could have done it with others as well.

Love and Happiness

In this section, the speaker talks about love and happiness in relationships.

The Nature of Love

• The speaker discusses how there is no unconditional love in relationships, and that we live with ambivalence towards our partners.

• Pursuing happiness in a relationship can lead to misery. Instead, we should pursue integrity, depth, joy, aliveness, connection, and growth.

• We should pursue "compersion," which is feeling joy for the happiness of the other person.

Building a Strong Relationship

• Rather than pursuing happiness in a relationship, we should focus on giving each other a good foundation from which to launch into our respective worlds.

• A good relationship is like a foundation with wings - it provides stability and security while also allowing for exploration and growth.

• It's important to listen to yourself when it comes to what you need from your partner. If something like physical touch is important to you, make sure your partner knows that.

Dealing with Ambivalence

• Ambivalence is when we have contradictory thoughts and feelings about our partner or the relationship. It's important to be able to live with these contradictions rather than hoping they will change.

• Private bargains with ourselves can lead to resentment when our expectations are not met. It's important to communicate openly with our partners about what we want and need from the relationship.

Accepting Differences

In this section, the speaker talks about accepting differences in relationships.

Understanding Differences

• It's important to accept differences in relationships, such as differing opinions on marriage or children.

• Trying to change someone's mind about these things is not fair to either person. It's important to be honest with yourself and your partner about what you want and need from the relationship.

Dealing with Resentment

• Resentment can build up when we have unmet expectations in a relationship. It's important to communicate openly with our partners about what we want and need.

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of being able to live with ambivalence and contradictions in a relationship, rather than hoping they will change.

Accepting Differences in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses how accepting differences is important in relationships.

Accepting Different Choices

• It depends on the degree to which people can live with a sense of differentiation.

• If one partner wants to participate in religious practices and the other does not, it doesn't have to be shared.

• Accepting someone's choices means accepting that your choice can be done without your partner.

• The other person can often tell you to go if you like to be there.

Difficulties with Children, Work, and Travel

• Religion is a major difference that can arise in relationships.

• Travel is another difference that can arise in relationships.

• It's difficult to say to someone "I'll have a child alone" but easier to say "I will continue practicing my religion because it is central to me."

• You need to know and feel okay about these differences.

Don't Hope for Change

• If one partner has zero intention of living where they are, listen carefully.

• Don't hope something's going to change or they're going to do something later after you get married or start from the place that it's not going to happen.

Jealousy in Relationships

In this section, the speaker talks about jealousy and how it plays into relationships.

Understanding Jealousy

• Jealousy starts at 1.5 years old and requires having a sense of who you are before experiencing how you respond to what others are doing.

• It needs self-awareness as a baby before experiencing jealousy.

Overcoming Jealousy

• The speaker used to be extremely jealous and insecure.

• She changed by fully accepting the person's decisions and lifestyle, trusting that everything was going to be okay, and not needing to be jealous.

• Jealousy requires feeling less in a panic or grip of abandonment.

Understanding Desire

In this section, Esther Perel discusses the four key elements that sustain desire in a long-term relationship.

Elements of Sustaining Desire

• Admiration is important as it involves idealization and a sense of otherness.

• Being in one's element, joyful, and energetic creates an erotic atmosphere.

• Vulnerability is attractive because it is not always seen and accepted by partners.

• Seeing one's partner through the eyes of others creates jealousy and desire.

Importance of Distance

• Creating space in a relationship is important for growth.

• Silence can be just as important as distance in a relationship.

• Every relationship straddles freedom and commitment, togetherness and separateness, connection and independence.

Maintaining Connection During Distance

• Keeping the space between partners alive during distance can help maintain connection.

• Letter writing can create an aliveness to the communication during distance.

Jack When I Was

In this section, the speaker talks about her experience with a man named Jack.

Experience with Jack

• The speaker talks about her experience with a man named Jack.

History of Divorce and Dating

In this section, the speaker discusses the history of divorce and dating.

History of Divorce

• The speaker explains that divorce cannot be separated from economic changes and legal changes around family policy.

• She lists four things that need to combine for someone to not be destitute after a divorce.

• The speaker answers how long people should date before getting married by saying it depends on how they date.

Dating Advice

• She thinks dating is bizarre because most people only see each other alone, but you learn more from seeing people in social situations.

• The speaker suggests bringing your date to meet your friends or family early on to learn more about them.

• She shares an example of how she learned a lot about a guy by inviting him to dinner with her friends.

Definition of Happiness in Marriage

In this section, the speaker discusses different definitions of happiness in marriage across cultures.

Cross-Cultural Definitions of Happiness

• The speaker explains that definitions of happiness and fulfillment vary across cultures.

• She notes that many people have high expectations for their partners and want them to fulfill multiple roles in their lives.

• The speaker suggests that maybe people are unhappy because they want too many things that are not part of marriage.

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Understanding Topology

In this section, the speaker discusses topology and its importance in networking.

What is Topology?

• Topology refers to the physical or logical arrangement of devices on a network.

• It determines how data flows between devices and how they communicate with each other.

• There are different types of topologies such as bus, star, ring, mesh, and hybrid.

Importance of Topology

• Choosing the right topology can improve network performance and reduce downtime.

• It can also help with scalability and future-proofing your network.

• Understanding topology is essential for troubleshooting network issues.

Conclusion

Topology plays a crucial role in networking by determining how devices communicate with each other. Choosing the right topology can improve network performance, scalability, and reduce downtime. It is important to understand topology for troubleshooting network issues.