How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime | Emily Nagoski

Sustaining a Strong Sexual Connection Over Multiple Decades

In this section, the speaker discusses how couples can sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades.

Two Things in Common

• Couples who sustain strong sexual connections have two things in common.

• They have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.

• They prioritize sex and decide that it matters for their relationship.

What It's Not

• Couples who sustain strong sexual connections are not necessarily having sex very often.

• They do not necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.

• They are not necessarily constantly wanting to keep their hands off each other.

Responsive Desire

• There are two healthy ways to experience sexual desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

• Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure and is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term.

Strong Friendship

• The first characteristic of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection is that they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship, specifically, they have strong trust.

Prioritize Sex

• The second characteristic of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection is that they prioritize sex and decide that it matters for their relationship by creating protected space where all they're going to do is put their body in bed and let their skin touch their partner's skin.

Sleepy Hedgehogs and Strong Sexual Connections

In this section, the speaker talks about how couples who seek sex therapy often have difficulty maintaining a strong sexual connection due to the presence of "sleepy hedgehogs" or unresolved hurt feelings between them. The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection and those who don't is that the former turn towards these difficult feelings with kindness and compassion so that they can set them free and find their way back to each other.

Couples in Sex Therapy

• Couples in sex therapy may have difficulty maintaining a strong sexual connection due to unresolved hurt feelings.

• These hurt feelings create distance between partners, which is crowded with weeks or months of difficult emotions.

• The key difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection and those who don't is that the former turn towards these difficult feelings with kindness and compassion.

• By doing so, they are able to set these feelings free and find their way back to each other.

Prioritizing Sex

• Couples who sustain a strong sexual connection prioritize sex as an important aspect of their relationship.

• They decide that it matters for their relationship, and do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.

• Peggy Kleinplatz asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?

• Partners should look at the quality of their connection and what it brings to their lives before deciding if it's worth prioritizing.

Choosing Each Other

• Sustaining a strong sexual connection over the long term requires partners to choose each other repeatedly.

• Even when faced with difficult emotions or situations, partners must turn towards each other with kindness and compassion.

• This creates an environment where sleepy hedgehogs can be set free, allowing partners to find their way back to each other.