World Leading Sex Therapist: How To Avoid Having Bad Sex: Kate Moyle | E73

What is the Single Biggest Killer of Relationships in the Modern Age?

In this section, Simon Sinek introduces Kate Moyle, a sex therapist and relationship therapist. They discuss some taboo topics that are not usually discussed such as sexual inadequacies, erectile dysfunction, and sexual anxiety.

Challenges with Sex

• Everyone has challenges with sex at some point in their life.

• Simon shares his personal experience of how a sexual issue caused his last relationship to end.

• Simon's ex-girlfriend told him she didn't like having sex which made him feel insecure.

• Simon's ex-girlfriend revealed that she had a problem but was uncomfortable talking about it.

Difficulties with Desire

• Many people struggle with difficulties with desire, communication, and anxiety when it comes to sex.

• These issues can be addressed in an individual way without creating more anxiety or damaging self-esteem.

Normalizing Conversations around Sex and Relationships

• There is a problem with the basic foundation message around sex and relationships where we expect them to always be good without any struggles or work.

• We need to normalize conversations around sex and relationships by acknowledging that they have good days, bad days, average days, variability just like everything else in our lives.

The Context of Our Sex Lives

In this section, the speaker discusses how our sex lives and relationships are impacted by various factors such as stress, anxiety, health, and mental health. They also talk about the importance of normalizing these impacts and reframing our understanding of desire.

Understanding Desire

• Desire is not a fixed concept that we're born with; it's context-dependent and responsive to changes.

• We can take control of our desire by reframing our understanding and thinking about it in a more pleasure-focused way.

• Rather than assuming something is wrong with us when our desire changes, we should try to understand it better.

Dealing with Rejection

• When faced with rejection or a lack of interest from a partner, it's important to move away from assumption towards explanation and understanding.

• Communication is key in addressing issues related to sexual wellness or well-being.

• Avoidance is a natural response to anxiety around discussing sex with partners but can lead to further problems.

Regretting Past Actions

• The speaker reflects on past actions where they broke up with their partner due to difficulties in discussing sex.

• Talking about sex with partners can be difficult due to its intimate nature and fear of getting it wrong.

The Importance of Talking About Sex

In this section, the speaker discusses how difficult it can be to talk about sex and how many people lack the skills or knowledge to have these conversations. She also talks about how important it is to bring up sexual topics outside of the bedroom.

Difficulty in Talking About Sex

• Many people are not taught how to have conversations about sex.

• Lack of knowledge and comfort with sexual topics can lead to unrealistic expectations and a lack of solutions when problems arise.

Ways to Manage Sexual Conversations

• Some people seek external advice or therapy, while others may read books or listen to podcasts as a way to start conversations.

• Bringing up sexual topics outside of the bedroom is crucial for successful communication.

Sexual Compatibility

• It is possible for couples to be sexually incompatible, just like any other area of life.

• Couples can work together to negotiate differences in preferences, but some deal breakers may exist.

Common Issues in Sexual Compatibility

In this section, the speaker discusses common issues that arise when couples are sexually incompatible. She also talks about how metacognition plays a role in analyzing sexual thoughts and desires.

Differences in Sexual Preferences

• It is more common for couples not to be perfectly matched sexually than it is for them to be perfectly matched.

• One partner may be more ready than the other partner to try new things or experiment with different techniques.

Analyzing Sexual Thoughts and Desires

• Metacognition plays a role in analyzing what our thoughts mean regarding sex and relationships.

• Society's taboos and stigmas surrounding sex can make it difficult to step outside of norms or expectations.

Low Libido

• Low libido is a common issue that many people face, but it is not often discussed.

• Causes of low libido can vary, and it is important to have open communication with partners about sexual desires and preferences.

Understanding Arousal and Desire

In this section, the speaker discusses how arousal and desire change across relationships. They also talk about how novelty and routine impact desire.

Arousal and Desire in Relationships

• Arousal is the body's physical ability to prepare for sex, while desire is the want to be sexual.

• At the start of a relationship, when everything is new and exciting, desire tends to be high.

• As we get more used to each other, there are fewer triggering exciting moments where desire can thrive.

• To keep desire alive in long-term relationships, it's important to consciously create spaces for novelty and exploration.

Maintaining Connection in Long-Term Relationships

In this section, the speaker talks about how technology and distractions can impact connection in long-term relationships. They also discuss ways to maintain connection over time.

Technology and Distractions

• Technology and constant notifications can distract us from our partners and make it harder to give them our full attention.

• This creates a barrier that makes it difficult for couples to connect on a deeper level.

Maintaining Connection

• To keep a long-term relationship fresh and exciting, it's important to acknowledge that things may be different than they were at the start of the relationship.

• Carving out time for intimacy should not be seen as problematic but rather as an essential part of maintaining connection.

• Trying to learn about sex from porn is like learning to drive from watching The Fast and the Furious. It's important to understand that what we see in movies and on social media is not an accurate representation of real-life relationships.

Understanding Sexuality

In this section, the speakers discuss the importance of changing the conversation around sexuality and recognizing that everyone has their own version of sexuality. They also talk about distinctions between sexual appetite and representation of sex for men and women.

Recognizing Different Sexualities

• Everyone has their own version of sexuality.

• Men and women have different sexual appetites and representations of sex.

• Female-friendly sites focus on female pleasure, which is often ignored in mainstream media.

Impact of Pornography

• Pornography often reflects male preferences rather than female preferences.

• The use of pornography as an educational resource can be problematic.

• Pornography can offer a sense of community to those exploring their sexuality.

Positive and Negative Effects of Pornography

This section explores the positive and negative effects that pornography can have on our perceptions and images of our own sexual relationships.

Positive Effects

• Pornography can offer a sense of community to those exploring their sexuality.

• Talking about sexual experiences helps combat isolation or feeling alone in one's experience.

Negative Effects

• Using pornography as an educational resource can be problematic.

• Isolation or feeling alone in one's experience is probably the biggest side effect or negative side effect on mental health or on the problem itself.

Keeping Sex Fresh and Exciting

This section discusses how changing one thing every time during sex can help keep things fresh and exciting.

Importance of Changing Things Up

• Changing one thing every time can help keep things fresh and exciting.

• People get intimidated by the idea that they have to do something massive to spice things up.

• Routine doesn't encourage desire because we know what's coming.

Tips for Non-Penetrative Sex

In this section, the speaker provides tips for non-penetrative sex.

Non-Penetrative Sex Tips

• Keep clothes on or off, use lube or not, and focus on non-penetrative sex.

• Change the environment by lighting candles, changing smells, or taking a shower.

• A healthy diet can improve how you feel and your motivation to exercise.

• Feeling good is more important than physical effects of a healthy diet.

Sponsorship and Personal Experience with Huel

In this section, the speaker talks about their personal experience with Huel as a podcast sponsor.

Personal Experience with Huel

• The speaker's journey with Huel has intensified over the last six to 12 months.

• Having a podcast sponsor who can help people change their lives for the better is important to the speaker.

Understanding Asexuality

In this section, the speaker discusses a friend who may be asexual and explains what it means to be asexual.

What is Asexuality?

• The speaker has a friend who they believe may be asexual because they have never seen them in a relationship or talking to anyone romantically.

• Asexuality is an identity where people do not experience sexual attraction.

• People who are asexual can still have successful relationships based on connection and intimacy.

Aromanticism and Intimacy without Sex

In this section, the speaker explains the difference between asexuality and aromanticism and discusses intimacy without sex.

Aromanticism and Intimacy without Sex

• Aromanticism is an identity where people do not experience romantic attraction.

• People who are aromantic can still have successful relationships based on connection, friendship, and intimacy.

• Some people have sexual anxiety that limits their exploration of their sex life or dating.

• Sexual anxiety can feel like a snowball effect where it gets worse over time.

• We cannot know someone's sexuality until we check it out because assumptions about sexuality can lead to feeling isolated or alone in our experiences.

Understanding the Role of Sex in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of understanding the role of sex in relationships and how it differs for each individual.

Defining the Purpose of Sex

• The speaker recommends understanding what role sex plays in relationships and to oneself.

• A study identified 237 reasons for why humans have sex, ranging from wanting an orgasm to feeling close to a partner.

• The meaning of sex goes beyond just physical pleasure and can represent different things for different people.

The Evolutionary Role of Sex

• The speaker suggests that there is a prehistoric evolutionary role that sex plays, which may have been lost due to modern contraception methods.

• Chemicals in our body can drive us into action when we feel horny, but we often focus too much on the goal-oriented aspect of sex rather than enjoying the moment.

Struggles with Orgasms

• Some people struggle with orgasms while others find it easy. Early messages about sexuality and shame surrounding sexual experiences may contribute to this.

• Relaxation is important for sexual experiences, but early messages about sexuality may make it difficult for some individuals to relax.

Factors Influencing Sexual Experiences

In this section, the speaker discusses various factors that can influence one's sexual experiences.

Emotional Factors

• Early messages about sexuality can impact one's emotional state during sexual experiences.

• Shame surrounding sexuality can lead to negative thoughts during sexual experiences and prevent individuals from enjoying themselves.

Physical Factors

• Physical factors such as pain or discomfort during sex can also impact one's sexual experiences.

• The speaker recommends communicating with partners about physical discomfort and exploring different positions to find what works best.

Mental Factors

• Mental factors such as stress, anxiety, and depression can also impact one's sexual experiences.

• The speaker recommends seeking therapy or counseling to address mental health concerns that may be impacting one's sexual experiences.

Understanding Orgasms

In this section, the speaker discusses how shame and embarrassment can hinder one's ability to fully enjoy an orgasm. They also touch on the importance of giving oneself permission to experience pleasure and how lack of sex education can contribute to difficulties in achieving orgasm.

Factors Affecting Orgasm

• Shame or embarrassment can hinder one's ability to fully enjoy an orgasm.

• Giving oneself permission to be sexual is important for experiencing pleasure.

• Difficulty achieving orgasm may be due to emotional or physical factors.

• Lack of sex education is a major contributor to difficulties in experiencing pleasure.

Seeking Help for Sexual Issues

This section covers who typically seeks help from a sexual therapist and why. The speaker emphasizes that seeking help for sexual issues should not be stigmatized and that therapy has become more normalized over time.

Who Seeks Help?

• Normal people with normal problems seek help from sexual therapists.

• Clients range in age from early 20s to 80 years old.

• People seek help for various reasons, such as after a cancer diagnosis, during menopause, or after experiencing sexual problems in a previous relationship.

Breaking Taboos Around Therapy

• Therapy has become less taboo over time, including psychosexual therapy.

• Accessing help for sexual issues should not be stigmatized like accessing help for other health issues.

Polyamorous Relationships

This section covers common questions about polyamorous relationships and how to navigate them. The speaker emphasizes the importance of communication and setting rules that work for all parties involved.

Understanding Polyamory

• Polyamorous relationships are a breaking away from traditional mono-normative models of relationships.

• Common questions about polyamory include how to navigate it and manage it.

• Communication is key in polyamorous relationships, including setting rules that work for everyone involved.

Understanding Gender Norms and Expectations

In this section, the speaker discusses gender norms and expectations in relationships and how they affect sexual experiences.

Gender Assumptions

• Many assumptions about sex are based on historical messages and gender norms.

• One common assumption is that men initiate sex while women respond. However, this may not be true for all couples.

• Same-sex relationships may not struggle with gender assumptions as much as heterosexual relationships.

Individual Differences

• Every relationship struggles with the dynamic of two individuals working together to navigate their differences and similarities.

• Couples need to communicate about their triggers, anxieties, and what makes them feel closer to each other.

Sexual Frequency

• There is no set healthy amount of times for a couple to have sex per week or month. It varies from couple to couple and changes over time.

How Often Should You Have Sex?

In this section, the speaker discusses how often couples should have sex and how regularity is an objective measure of sexual satisfaction.

Determining Sexual Satisfaction

• Regularity of sex doesn't determine the satisfaction, pleasure or enjoyment of it.

• People try to find an objective way of measuring sex, so they lean towards regularity as a measure.

• There isn't a clear idea of what is normal for couples in terms of frequency.

Factors Affecting Sexual Frequency

• Couples have different needs and preferences when it comes to sexual frequency.

• Worries and anxieties about not having enough sex can arise due to assumptions that something is wrong with the relationship or partner's attraction levels.

• Comparing one's sexual frequency with others can also lead to anxiety and stress.

Physical Compatibility

• Physical compatibility is important for good sex.

• The speaker shares a personal experience where physical compatibility was lacking in a relationship.

• Conditions like vaginismus can affect sexual function, but practical advice can help couples work together to improve their sexual experiences.

Physical Compatibility and Communication

The speaker discusses the challenges of communicating about physical compatibility in relationships, including fear of hurting the partner and not knowing how to approach the topic.

Challenges of Communicating About Physical Compatibility

• The speaker struggled to communicate about physical compatibility in past relationships, leading to their end.

• Fear of judgment, offending or hurting one's partner can make it difficult to discuss sensitive topics like sex.

• Avoiding communication can lead to performance anxiety and other issues that further complicate the situation.

Approaching Sensitive Topics with Partners

• Leading with a positive affirmation can help create a safe space for discussing sensitive topics.

• Criticism can be perceived as an attack, so it's important to approach discussions with empathy and openness.

Communicating Sexual Preferences

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of communicating sexual preferences with one's partner. They explain that it is important to tell one's partner what they like as opposed to what they don't like and how this can lead to a better sexual experience.

Importance of Communication

• Isolating the problem in one partner can occur when there are two people involved.

• Telling partners what you like instead of what you don't like leads to a better outcome.

• Affirmation and positive feedback are important in sex because we don't have a reference point for whether we're doing well or not.

• Being relaxed and comfortable during sex allows for better connection with the other person and following the pleasure path.

Knowing if You're Good at Sex

• It's difficult to know if you're good at sex because there is no universal formula for every sexual experience.

• People may fake orgasms, making it even harder to know if you're doing well.

• Lack of exposure to real-life sexual experiences makes it hard to gauge performance.

Building Sexual Self-confidence

• Making informed choices about sexual wellness contributes to better self-confidence.

• Sexual self-confidence is reflected back in situations with others but ultimately comes from within oneself.

• Everyone has their own journey and experiences that shape their relationship with sex, so there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

• Negative experiences early on can impact future sexual experiences, but positive experiences can help challenge and correct those negative ideas.

Changing Relationships and the Concept of Marriage

In this section, the speaker discusses how relationships can change over time and how this affects attraction between partners. They also talk about the challenges of holding relationships together in a world with a perceived abundance of choice, and question the concept of marriage as a lifelong commitment.

Changing Relationships

• The speaker acknowledges that people can change in various ways, which can affect attraction between partners.

• They suggest that accepting change is key to improving or adapting relationships.

• The fear of things not always staying the same can be challenging for some people, but humans are adaptable.

• In today's world, there is a perception of an abundance of choice due to dating apps like Tinder and Instagram, which may make it more difficult to hold relationships together when they hit rough patches.

Concept of Marriage

• The speaker questions the concept of marriage as a lifelong commitment because people are constantly changing.

• They suggest that changing relationships is becoming more accepted and less stigmatized than before.

• Ending a relationship does not necessarily mean it was unsuccessful; reframing this idea could help reduce stigma around breakups.

• The speaker suggests that marriage may need to become more flexible and bespoke in order to adapt to changing times.

Personal Opinion on Marriage

• The speaker expresses disappointment with the concept of marriage because it requires making a commitment without knowing what changes will occur in the future.

• They suggest that if everyone's memory were erased, science would still be discovered but religion and marriage may not come back the same way.

• The speaker plays devil's advocate and questions what marriage offers people, suggesting that it may be a form of insecurity rather than security.

What is the Single Biggest Killer of Relationships in 2021?

In this section, the speaker discusses the impact of history on relationships and how people can find other ways to commit to each other. The speaker also talks about unrealistic expectations as the biggest killer of relationships in modern times.

Impact of History on Relationships

• People can be happy in multiple marriages or relationships.

• People don't need to get married to become parents or commit to each other.

• Marriage is a conventional solution that may not work for everyone.

Unrealistic Expectations

• Unrealistic expectations are the biggest killer of relationships in modern times.

• Movies and media create unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment when they are not met.

• Partners fail to meet all needs and expectations, leading to dissatisfaction.

Gap between Expectation and Reality

• The gap between who we know ourselves to be and who we show others we are creates struggles and mental health challenges.

• Unrealistic expectations contribute significantly to this gap.

Conclusion

The speaker believes that people should make informed choices about what works for them in their relationships. They should explore different options beyond conventional solutions like marriage. Unrealistic expectations are the biggest killer of relationships in modern times, leading to disappointment and dissatisfaction.

Relationships and Work-Life Balance

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of balancing relationships and work-life. They share their personal experience with being selfish and consumed with their passions, which has caused problems in their relationships. The speaker also talks about the challenges of transitioning from a professional to a personal life.

Balancing Independence and Dependence in Relationships

• Relationships require finding a balance between independence and dependence.

• The speaker tries to lay down expectations early on about their work being a huge part of their life, but it never seems to work out.

• Compromise is important in any relationship, but the speaker admits they struggle with it.

Entrepreneurs and Work-Life Balance

• Entrepreneurs often struggle with relationships because they prioritize their work as their primary relationship.

• As a CEO, one does not have to compromise as much as they do in personal relationships.

• The decision-making framework used at work cannot be applied to personal life.

Conclusion

• Entrepreneurs may be more prone to prioritizing work over relationships due to different operating systems for each objective.

The Philosophy of Being an Entrepreneur

In this section, the speaker discusses how being an entrepreneur requires a certain mindset and personal philosophy that is learned over time through experience.

Learning Through Experience

• Being an entrepreneur requires putting your head down and heavily learning from experience.

• Over time, you develop a personal philosophy for how you want things to happen and it becomes part of your character.

• Personal philosophy is required for success in entrepreneurship.

Applying Knowledge to Relationships

• Success in relationships requires different skills such as compromise, patience, and doing things for the sake of doing them.

• Quality time is important in relationships and should be protected.

• Acknowledging that relationships take work and nurture is key.

Implementing Knowledge in Your Own Life

In this section, the speaker talks about implementing knowledge gained from experience into their own life and relationships.

Striving for Emotional Intelligence

• Acknowledges that everyone can be hypocritical at times due to being human with triggers, anxieties, and defenses.

• Being thoughtful of how to implement knowledge into daily life as a partner, parent, family member or friend is important.

Quality Time & Supportive Relationships

• Quality time should be carved out and protected.

• Celebrating perfectly imperfectness in supportive relationships where open conversations are encouraged.

• Having emotionally intelligent friends who are mutually supportive is important.

Sexual Wellness and Well-being

In this section, the speaker discusses sexual wellness and well-being.

Instructional Content for Sexual Wellness

• Online platforms are creating instructional content to help instruct or offer advice on sexual wellness.

• The Kinsey Institute launched a platform called OMGs which offers instructional videos and interviews about how to create female orgasm or stimulate female pleasure.

Principles of Great Sexual Relationships

In this section, Kate Moyle discusses the top-line principles that are common among couples who enjoy great sexual relationships. She emphasizes the importance of communication and clarifying assumptions.

Key Principles

• Communication is key to a great sexual relationship. Couples should speak from their own perspective and take ownership of their feelings without blaming their partner.

• Positive communication involves breaking away from assumptions and clarifying what each partner means. Assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and mind reading, which can be detrimental to a relationship.

Kate Moyle's Work in Sexual Wellness

In this section, Kate Moyle talks about her work in sexual wellness, including hosting a podcast called "The Sexual Wellness Sessions" and working with brands to create projects focused on sexual well-being.

Kate Moyle's Work

• Kate Moyle hosts a podcast called "The Sexual Wellness Sessions," where she has informative but informal conversations about different areas of sexual well-being.

• She works with brands to create projects focused on sexual wellness, taking the learning from inside the therapy room and putting it out into the world to create a social cultural sex-positive shift.

• One of her current projects is as the UK sex expert for Lelo, a luxury sex play brand that creates amazing products for people's pleasure.

Happy Sexy Millionaire Book by Steven Bartlett

In this section, Steven Bartlett talks about his debut book "Happy Sexy Millionaire," which he describes as the single most important thing he has ever produced.

"Happy Sexy Millionaire" Book

• Steven Bartlett's debut book "Happy Sexy Millionaire" is the single most important thing he has ever produced. It took almost three years to produce and includes everything he has ever learned, all of his most important lessons distilled into a small book.

• The book includes about 25 images produced by one of the world's leading artists in visualizations.

• Steven Bartlett believes that the book is so important that if he could click his finger and everybody got it for free and it meant that he made zero, he would do it in a heartbeat. He just wants people to read it because it contains everything he has ever learned mixed with his own life experiences.

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Introduction

In this section, the speaker introduces himself and plays some music.

• The speaker introduces himself.

• The speaker plays some music.

What is Machine Learning?

In this section, the speaker explains what machine learning is and how it works.

Definition of Machine Learning

• Machine learning is a subset of artificial intelligence that involves training algorithms to make predictions or decisions based on data.

Types of Machine Learning

• There are three types of machine learning: supervised learning, unsupervised learning, and reinforcement learning.

• Supervised learning involves training an algorithm on labeled data to make predictions or decisions about new data.

• Unsupervised learning involves training an algorithm on unlabeled data to find patterns or relationships in the data.

• Reinforcement learning involves training an algorithm to take actions in an environment to maximize a reward signal.

How Does Machine Learning Work?

In this section, the speaker explains how machine learning works.

Steps in Machine Learning

• The first step in machine learning is collecting and preparing data for analysis.

• The second step is selecting a model or algorithm that can learn from the data and make predictions or decisions based on it.

• The third step is training the model by feeding it labeled or unlabeled data and adjusting its parameters until it can accurately predict outcomes.

• The fourth step is evaluating the model's performance on new data to ensure that it can generalize well and make accurate predictions or decisions.

Applications of Machine Learning

In this section, the speaker discusses some applications of machine learning.

Examples of Machine Learning Applications

• Some examples of machine learning applications include image recognition, natural language processing, fraud detection, and recommendation systems.

• Image recognition involves training algorithms to recognize objects or patterns in images.

• Natural language processing involves training algorithms to understand and generate human language.

• Fraud detection involves training algorithms to identify fraudulent transactions or activities.

• Recommendation systems involve training algorithms to suggest products or services based on a user's preferences or behavior.

Conclusion

In this section, the speaker concludes the video by summarizing what was covered.

Summary

• Machine learning is a subset of artificial intelligence that involves training algorithms to make predictions or decisions based on data. There are three types of machine learning: supervised learning, unsupervised learning, and reinforcement learning. The steps in machine learning include collecting and preparing data for analysis, selecting a model or algorithm, training the model, and evaluating its performance on new data. Some applications of machine learning include image recognition, natural language processing, fraud detection, and recommendation systems.