Esto es Ser un APEGO SEGURO con un APEGO EVITATIVO

What Does It Mean to Be Securely Attached to an Avoidant Partner?

Introduction to Attachment Styles

• Gabriela Fernández introduces the topic of secure attachment in relationships, particularly with avoidant partners. She emphasizes her expertise as a therapist specializing in attachment and relationships.

• With over eight years of experience, she aims to help individuals develop secure love in their relationships, addressing common misconceptions about self-confidence and empowerment.

Misconceptions About Secure Attachment

• Fernández highlights behaviors often mistaken for secure attachment, which are actually signs of insecure attachments disguised as false empowerment.

• Examples include complaining, blaming the partner for relationship issues, and using personal pain to manipulate others into feeling guilty or responsible.

Manipulative Behaviors

• She discusses manipulation tactics such as sending videos or messages that indirectly criticize the partner's behavior without clear communication.

• Fear of expressing one's truth leads to passive-aggressive behaviors instead of open dialogue about feelings and needs.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment

• A securely attached person embodies their understanding rather than just verbalizing it; they act consistently based on their values and truths.

• They manage their emotions independently, maintaining a sense of security regardless of external validation from their partner.

Maintaining Coherence in Relationships

• The importance of self-care is emphasized; securely attached individuals take responsibility for their emotional well-being without relying on their partner's actions or feelings.

• Being coherent means consistently communicating boundaries and expectations without wavering due to an avoidant partner's inconsistencies.

Responding to Avoidant Behavior

• A securely attached individual remains firm when faced with an avoidant partner’s mixed signals, reinforcing their own boundaries without succumbing to pressure.

• They do not base actions on fear but rather on internal coherence and identity, ensuring that responses align with personal values rather than reactive emotions.

Understanding Secure Attachment in Relationships

The Importance of Communication

• A secure person addresses plans directly, expressing feelings about a lack of communication regarding an outing, such as going to the cinema. They do not let their frustration build up silently.

• An example is given where a secure individual confirms plans for the cinema while seeking clarity on whether they are still valid, demonstrating assertiveness and coherence.

• Unlike avoidant individuals who may hesitate to communicate, a secure person confronts issues head-on without adapting to the avoidant's pace or fears.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment

• Secure attachment involves being grounded in reality and addressing situations maturely without blame or drama. This includes asking straightforward questions about plans without emotional baggage.

• A securely attached person does not engage with the fears or irrational thoughts of an avoidant partner but instead focuses on clear communication based on facts.

• Avoidants may exhibit inconsistencies in their feelings; however, a secure individual remains anchored in their own truth and does not get swayed by these fluctuations.

Confronting Inconsistencies

• When faced with an avoidant's uncertainty about feelings, a secure person seeks clarification rather than getting entangled in doubts or insecurities that arise from the avoidant's mindset.

• It’s crucial for securely attached individuals to ask direct questions about emotions during moments together to uncover any underlying fears that might be affecting their partner's behavior.

Addressing Fears Openly

• A secure individual encourages open dialogue about fears rather than allowing anxiety to dictate responses. They focus on current realities instead of hypothetical concerns that have yet to materialize.

• By clarifying what truly scares their partner at present, they help ground discussions in reality rather than letting past experiences cloud judgment.

Maintaining Boundaries and Self-Care

• Secure individuals prioritize self-respect and do not compromise their boundaries for the sake of maintaining relationships. They recognize that over-adapting can lead to personal neglect.

• It's emphasized that anxious partners often feel pressured to adapt excessively; however, a securely attached person understands the importance of mutual respect and healthy boundaries within relationships.

Understanding Self-Care in Relationships

The Importance of Self-Care

• Individuals often lose sight of their own needs when adapting to relationships, particularly those with anxious attachment styles. They may neglect self-care and respect for themselves.

• This tendency to over-adapt leads to blaming partners for a lack of self-care, while the real issue lies in personal patterns that cause individuals to lose themselves in relationships.

Recognizing Patterns and Responsibilities

• Awareness is crucial; recognizing one's tendency to prioritize others' needs over personal boundaries can lead to healthier relationship dynamics.

• Learning how to connect with others without sacrificing self-respect or autonomy is essential. It involves understanding one’s limits and emotional needs.

The Cycle of Neglecting Needs

• Anxious individuals often feel compelled to be available and agreeable, ignoring their internal struggles. This can lead to feelings of resentment when they realize they have neglected their own needs.

• The desire for connection can override personal well-being, leading individuals into situations where they compromise their comfort and health.

Questioning Personal Choices

• It's important for individuals to ask themselves if they can engage in certain actions without feeling regret or anxiety afterward. This reflection helps establish realistic boundaries.

• Decisions should be based on what one can genuinely handle emotionally rather than idealized notions of strength or availability.

Emotional Awareness and Boundaries

• Understanding physical and emotional limits is vital; listening to one's body can guide decisions about social engagements after periods of stress or travel.

• Prioritizing rest and self-care over immediate social obligations fosters a healthier relationship with oneself, which ultimately benefits interactions with others.

Building Trust in Oneself

• Establishing a secure relationship with oneself is fundamental; it requires acknowledging personal needs rather than blaming external factors for feelings of neglect.

• Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect for individual boundaries; compromising oneself repeatedly leads only back into cycles of neglect.

Conclusion: Cultivating Secure Attachments

• Developing a secure attachment style involves caring for oneself first before engaging deeply with others. It emphasizes the importance of knowing one’s emotional landscape and maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

Understanding Healthy Relationships

The Importance of Self-Awareness in Relationships

• Being autonomous and navigating one's emotions is crucial for establishing healthy relationships. Recognizing the difference between wants and needs, as well as setting internal and external boundaries, fosters personal growth necessary for a successful partnership.

Growth Through Relationship Dynamics

• Engaging with an avoidant attachment partner serves as an opportunity for personal growth towards secure attachment. A secure individual does not manipulate or control their partner but instead focuses on authenticity and coherence in their interactions.

Responsibility in Relationships

• Taking responsibility for one’s actions encourages mutual accountability within a relationship. Self-care should not involve criticizing or undermining the other person; rather, it reflects respect for oneself and others.

Setting Boundaries Effectively

• Establishing boundaries is about exemplifying the behavior one wishes to see in others. It does not equate to being harsh or critical but involves demonstrating respect and understanding.

Community Engagement and Support

• The speaker invites viewers to engage with the content by liking, subscribing, and sharing it with others who may benefit from the insights provided. This call to action emphasizes the potential impact of shared knowledge on personal development.