The Problem With Being “Too Nice” at Work | Tessa West | TED

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The speaker delves into the phenomenon of being nice during uncomfortable social interactions, exploring why individuals tend to exhibit kindness in such situations.

Why Do We Act Nicely When Anxious?

• The speaker, a social psychologist, studies uncomfortable social interactions and examines three main outcomes: what people say (verbal behaviors), nonverbal behaviors, and under-the-skin responses.

• Through lab experiments involving negotiations and feedback scenarios, the speaker observes how individuals control their behavior consciously (verbal and nonverbal) and unconsciously (physiological responses).

• Participants are required to provide feedback honestly in various interaction settings, shedding light on their reactions during awkward moments.

Understanding Social Interactions

The speaker prompts the audience to recall recent awkward interactions to illustrate common stress responses observed in uncomfortable social settings.

Patterns in Uncomfortable Interactions

• Stress responses manifest early in interactions through increased heart rate and blood pressure, accompanied by nonverbal cues like fidgeting and avoiding eye contact.

• Noteworthy findings include behavioral changes in doctor-patient interactions where discomfort leads to reduced eye contact from doctors.

• Audience engagement is encouraged by reflecting on personal experiences of anxiety during social encounters.

Anxious Niceness in Social Scenarios

The speaker explores the concept of "anxious niceness" where individuals tend to be overly complimentary or kind even in challenging situations like negotiations.

Anxious Niceness Phenomenon

• In negotiation scenarios, winners often struggle to provide constructive feedback due to societal norms leading them to offer excessive praise instead.

• Individuals engage in anxious niceness by complimenting others generically rather than providing specific feedback or expressing genuine thoughts.

Are Racial Minorities More Attentive to Nonverbal Signals?

The speaker discusses how racial minorities may be more attuned to nonverbal cues and stresses the impact of over-the-top positive feedback on individuals' performance and reputation.

Racial Minorities' Sensitivity to Nonverbal Cues

• Black participants in a study became more synchronized with white participants' stress levels, showing heightened sensitivity to nonverbal signals of anxiety.

• Increased anxiety displayed by white participants led to greater physiological synchronization with Black participants over time.

Impact of Overly Positive Feedback

• Individuals absorbing stress from those who are excessively nice, potentially harming their own bodies.

• Over-the-top positive feedback can hinder performance, obscure improvement areas, and damage reputations beyond immediate interactions.

Consequences of Generic Positive Feedback

• Generic praise in recommendations or feedback can lack depth and harm individuals' reputations when not substantiated by real data.

• General positive feedback without specifics can lead readers to question the credibility and knowledge of the giver.

Improving Feedback Culture in the Workplace

The speaker suggests strategies for enhancing feedback quality in work environments by addressing plural ignorance regarding niceness culture and promoting constructive criticism.

Assessing Niceness Culture Alignment

• Not all individuals appreciate general, generic positive feedback; understanding the balance between niceness and constructive criticism is crucial.

• Positive but vague feedback can be perceived as lazy or disengaged, highlighting the need for more substantive evaluations.

Encouraging Constructive Criticism

• Rather than directly asking about preferred feedback style, assess interest in providing specific, honest input versus general positivity.

Positive vs. Negative Feedback

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of providing specific negative feedback compared to general positive feedback.

Framing Feedback

• Positive feedback is often general and lacks specificity, such as praising someone for being timely without specifying what aspect of timeliness is appreciated.

• Negative feedback needs to be specific to be effective, unlike common vague statements like "You don't take enough initiative."

Specificity in Feedback

• Negative feedback like "take more initiative" requires breaking down into specific actions like speaking up in meetings or being prompt in emails.

• Providing examples of desired behaviors is crucial when giving negative feedback, such as not waiting for prompts before sharing information.

Replacing Negative Behaviors

This part emphasizes the importance of replacing negative behaviors with positive alternatives when giving critical feedback.

Importance of Replacement Behaviors

• Replacing negative behaviors with positive ones is essential but often overlooked in feedback sessions.

• Analogies are used to illustrate the necessity of focusing on replacement behaviors rather than solely pointing out faults.

Cultivating Change Gradually

• Breaking ingrained cultures of anxious, nice feedback requires starting small and neutral before addressing more significant issues.

• Encouraging neutral and specific feedback helps individuals become less anxious about giving and receiving critical comments.

Constructive Criticism with Niceness

The speaker highlights the value of incorporating niceness into delivering constructive criticism effectively.

Balancing Niceness and Criticism

• Integrating niceness into feedback delivery involves acknowledging strengths before addressing areas for improvement.