3 secrets of resilient people | Lucy Hone

Introduction and Shared Adversities

The speaker begins by asking the audience to stand up if they have experienced various adversities, such as losing a loved one, heartbreak, divorce, infidelity, natural disasters, bullying, redundancy, miscarriage, abortion, infertility, or dealing with mental illness. The speaker emphasizes that adversity does not discriminate and that everyone will face tough times in life.

• Many people in the audience stand up to indicate they have experienced different forms of adversity.

• The speaker highlights that facing tough times is a universal experience and encourages the audience to acknowledge this reality.

Resilience Research and Training Soldiers

The speaker shares her background in resilience research and mentions studying at the University of Pennsylvania where she learned from professors who were training American soldiers to be mentally fit. She expresses her interest in bringing scientific findings on resilience to everyday life.

• The speaker studied resilience research at the University of Pennsylvania.

• Professors at the university were training American soldiers to be mentally fit.

• The speaker was inspired by the opportunity to bring scientific findings on resilience into practical use.

Personal Experience with Adversity

After completing her studies in America, the speaker returned home to Christchurch for doctoral research but had to put it on hold due to the Christchurch earthquakes. She then worked with various organizations and community groups teaching strategies for boosting resilience. However, her own true test came when she lost her daughter and two other close friends in a car accident.

• The speaker returned home to Christchurch after completing her studies.

• She put her research on hold after experiencing the devastating impact of the Christchurch earthquakes.

• Working with different organizations and community groups became part of her calling.

• Tragically, she lost her 12-year-old daughter and two friends in a car accident.

Challenging Expert Advice on Grief

The speaker shares her experience of receiving expert advice on grief after the loss of her daughter. She expresses dissatisfaction with being labeled as a prime candidate for family estrangement, divorce, and mental illness. The speaker rejects the notion of being a victim and feeling overwhelmed by grief.

• Expert advice suggested that the speaker's family was at risk of family estrangement, divorce, and mental illness.

• The speaker found this advice unhelpful and felt overwhelmed by it.

• She did not want to be seen as a victim but rather wanted to actively participate in her grief process.

Seeking Hope and Conducting Self-Experiment

Feeling the need for hope and an active role in her grief process, the speaker decided to conduct a self-experiment using strategies she had researched. Despite uncertainty about their effectiveness, she wanted to see how these strategies could help her navigate through immense grief.

• The speaker desired hope and an active role in her grief process.

• She chose to conduct a self-experiment using researched strategies.

• Parental bereavement is considered one of the hardest losses to bear.

• The speaker believed that rising up from adversity is possible based on research findings.

Three Resilience Strategies

The speaker introduces three resilience strategies that were instrumental in helping her during her darkest days. These strategies are applicable to anyone and can be learned by all individuals.

• Resilient people understand that suffering is part of life without welcoming it.

• Accepting suffering prevents feeling discriminated against when tough times arise.

• Many people expect a perfect life but need to acknowledge that suffering is universal.

The Power of Selective Attention

In this section, the speaker discusses how humans are skilled at choosing where to direct their attention. They have a natural tendency to notice problems and negative emotions more easily than positive ones.

The Selectivity of Attention

• Humans are adept at carefully selecting what they pay attention to.

• Negative emotions tend to stick with us, while positive emotions bounce off like Teflon.

• This selective attention has served us well in terms of evolution.

Imagining a Different Perspective

• The speaker imagines herself as a cavewoman receiving terrible news outside her cave.

• She visualizes a dangerous saber-toothed tiger on one side and a beautiful rainbow on the other.

• Noticing the tiger is useful for survival, but she didn't appreciate the advice given by experts.

Overwhelmed by Threats

• In modern times, we are constantly bombarded with threats and negative information.

• After experiencing loss, the speaker was told that her family might break apart and develop mental illnesses.

• Brochures described the five stages of grief: anger, bargaining, denial, depression, acceptance.

Resilience and Positive Connection

• Resilient individuals don't minimize the negative but also find ways to connect with the positive.

• Support arrived at their door offering help during their grieving process.

• Instead of being overwhelmed by doubt, the speaker chose not to listen to advice that made them feel like victims.

Choosing Life over Death

• The speaker decided not to let grief consume her but actively participate in her healing process.

• Despite facing an immense mountain ahead, they had two wonderful sons who deserved a normal life.

Finding Gratitude in Loss

In this section, the speaker shares her journey towards finding gratitude amidst loss. She emphasizes the importance of redirecting attention towards reasons to be grateful and the concept of post-traumatic growth.

The Power of Redirecting Attention

• Martin Seligman and his colleagues conducted an experiment in 2005.

• Participants were asked to think about three positive things that happened to them each day.

• This practice proved effective in promoting well-being and overcoming adversity.

Post-Traumatic Growth

• The speaker sought a path that would lead her out of anguish and regrets.

• She focused on finding reasons to be grateful, such as their daughter not suffering from a long illness.

• They received immense support from family and friends, but she wanted to take an active role in her grief journey.

Tools for Healing

• The speaker had done research and possessed tools to help them navigate through grief.

• Despite doubts about the effectiveness of these tools, they were determined to try them out.

• Their two sons became a driving force for choosing life over succumbing to grief.

The Painful Art of Shifting Attention

In this section, the speaker discusses the difficulty of shifting attention away from pain and loss. She highlights the importance of being able to redirect attention towards positive aspects even when it feels painful.

The Challenge of Shifting Attention

• Shifting attention away from pain is one of the most difficult tasks during loss.

• However, it is crucial to include positive aspects alongside negative ones.

Scientific Evidence for Positive Focus

• Research has shown that intentionally focusing on positive experiences can lead to post-traumatic growth.

• Strategies that work have been identified, proving that it is possible to overcome adversity.

Embracing Positivity Amidst Loss

• Despite facing immense challenges, the speaker affirms that after five years, they have experienced growth amidst loss.

Timestamps are approximate and may vary slightly depending on the video version used.

Les stratégies pour être plus heureux et moins sujet à la dépression

Dans cette section, l'oratrice partage trois stratégies pour être plus heureux et moins sujet à la dépression lorsqu'on traverse un deuil.

Stratégie 1 : Traquer le positif

• Les personnes résilientes comprennent que la souffrance fait partie de la vie.

• Elles font un effort intentionnel, réfléchi et constant pour se connecter à ce qu'il y a de bien dans leur monde.

Stratégie 2 : Évaluer les actions

• Les personnes résilientes se demandent si leurs pensées et actions sont bonnes ou mauvaises pour elles.

• Elles évaluent les situations de façon réaliste et se focalisent sur ce qui peut être changé.

• Elles acceptent ce qui ne peut pas être changé.

Stratégie 3 : Accepter la souffrance

• Les personnes résilientes reconnaissent que toute existence humaine comporte de la souffrance.

• Elles se posent la question "Est-ce que cela me fait du bien ou du mal ?" avant de prendre des décisions.

• Elles choisissent d'être gentilles avec elles-mêmes et prennent soin d'elles-mêmes.

La tendance à remarquer les points négatifs

Cette section met en évidence notre tendance naturelle à remarquer les points négatifs plutôt que les aspects positifs de notre vie.

Notre programmation à repérer les problèmes

• Nous sommes programmés pour repérer les points négatifs et les menaces.

• Les émotions négatives ont tendance à nous coller à la peau, tandis que le positif rebondit sur nous.

L'importance de se focaliser sur le positif

• Il est bénéfique de se demander si les choses que nous faisons ou regardons réellement nous font du bien ou du mal.

• Se concentrer sur le positif peut avoir un impact positif sur notre bien-être mental et émotionnel.

La résilience et l'évolution humaine

Cette section explore la résilience en relation avec notre évolution en tant qu'êtres humains.

Notre capacité à remarquer les problèmes

• Nous sommes très doués pour remarquer les problèmes et les faiblesses.

• Cela a été bénéfique pour notre survie et notre évolution en tant qu'espèce.

Le besoin d'équilibrer la perception

• Il est important d'équilibrer notre perception en accordant également de l'attention aux aspects positifs de notre vie.

• Cela peut être réalisé en faisant preuve d'intentionnalité dans nos pensées et actions.

Conclusion

En utilisant ces stratégies, comme traquer le positif, évaluer nos actions et accepter la souffrance, nous pouvons renforcer notre résilience et améliorer notre bien-être mental. De plus, prendre conscience de notre tendance naturelle à remarquer les points négatifs peut nous aider à cultiver une perspective plus positive dans nos vies.

Votre manière d'agir

This section discusses the way you act or behave.

Ways to Act

• The transcript does not provide any specific information about ways to act.