The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Esther Perel | TED

The Nature of Erotic Desire and Its Concomitant Dilemmas in Modern Love

In this section, the speaker introduces the central questions that she explores regarding erotic desire and modern love.

Introduction to Erotic Desire

• Why does good sex often fade even for couples who continue to love each other?

• Why does good intimacy not guarantee good sex?

• Can we want what we already have?

• What is it about transgression that makes desire so potent?

Crisis of Desire

• Everywhere romanticism has entered, there seems to be a crisis of desire.

• A crisis of desire as an expression of our individuality, free choice, preferences, identity.

• For the first time in history, we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term for pleasure and connection rooted in desire.

Reconciling Security and Adventure

• The reconciliation of two fundamental human needs: security and adventure.

• Marriage used to be an economic institution providing children, social status, succession, companionship.

• Today's passionate marriage wants all these things plus a best friend, trusted confidant and passionate lover.

• We come to one person asking them to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

Love vs Desire

• Love is "to have," while desire is "to want."

• The mystery of eroticism lies in the relationship between love and desire.

• In love we want closeness; in desire we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can visit.

• In desire, we want to go see what goes on in their red-light district.

Desire Needs Space

In this section, Esther Perel discusses the concept of desire and how it relates to space in relationships.

When Are We Most Drawn to Our Partners?

• Esther asked people from over 20 countries when they are most drawn to their partners.

• People across cultures, religions, and genders answered that they are most drawn to their partners when:

• They are away and then reunite (rooted in absence and longing).

• Their partner is radiant and confident (self-sustaining).

• There is novelty or surprise.

The Erotic Élan

• The space between oneself and their partner lies the erotic élan.

• Desire is not about neediness or caretaking; it's about wanting someone.

• Caretaking can be a powerful anti-aphrodisiac.

• Neediness decreases the erotic charge because it brings up parenthood.

Sex as a Language

• Sex isn't just a behavior; it's a language.

• It's a place where one goes inside themselves with another or others.

• What parts of oneself do they connect with? What do they seek to express?

• It's sexuality transformed by human imagination.

Erotic Intelligence

• Humans have an erotic life that animals lack because humans can transform sexuality through imagination.

• Erotic intelligence involves exploring the poetic language of sex.

The Poetics of Sex

In this section, Esther Perel discusses the ingredients that cultivate eroticism and how imagination is the central agent. She also talks about how she went back to the original definition of eroticism to understand what sustains desire.

Ingredients for Erotic Intelligence

• Imagination, playfulness, novelty, curiosity, mystery are some of the ingredients that cultivate eroticism.

• The central agent is imagination.

• Trauma can affect one's ability to experience pleasure and lift their head to be playful and imaginative.

Mystical Definition of Eroticism

• Esther Perel went back to the original definition of eroticism to understand what sustains desire.

• Those who came back to life after trauma understood the erotic as an antidote to death.

Reconnecting with Aliveness

In this section, Esther Perel talks about how people want better sex rather than more sex. She also discusses how people turn themselves off and on when it comes to desire.

Better Sex

• People want better sex which means reconnecting with aliveness, vibrancy, renewal, vitality, Eros and energy.

• Esther Perel began asking a different question: "I shut myself off when..." instead of "What turns me off is..."

Turning Oneself Off/On

• People turn themselves off when they feel dead inside or have low self-esteem.

• People turn themselves on by turning on their desires and waking up.

Love vs Desire

In this section, Esther Perel talks about the paradox between love and desire. She discusses how the ingredients that nurture love can sometimes stifle desire.

Paradox Between Love and Desire

• The ingredients that nurture love, such as mutuality, reciprocity, protection, worry and responsibility for the other, can sometimes stifle desire.

• Desire comes with a host of feelings that are not always favorites of love: jealousy, possessiveness, aggression, power, dominance, naughtiness and mischief.

Selfishness in Desire

• Desire comes with a certain amount of selfishness in the best sense of the word: the ability to stay connected to one's self in the presence of another.

Need for Connection and Separateness

In this section, Esther Perel talks about our need for connection and separateness. She discusses how our need for security and adventure or togetherness and autonomy is born within us.

Need for Connection and Separateness

• Our need for connection and separateness or our need for security and adventure or togetherness and autonomy is born within us.

• The beginning of desire is exploratory need, curiosity and discovery.

The Three Types of Children

In this section, the speaker describes three types of children and how they relate to their parents.

The First Child

• This child is playful and carefree, knowing that their parent will be there when they return.

The Second Child

• This child is worried about their parent's reaction and looks over their shoulder all the time. They may feel like they can't fully experience pleasure or let go in their partner's presence.

The Third Child

• This child doesn't come back at all, indicating a lack of connection with the parent.

Reconciling Fundamental Needs

In this section, the speaker discusses how to reconcile two fundamental needs: security and desire.

Balancing Security and Desire

• If you want to sustain desire, you need both security and freedom.

• Erotic couples understand that there is an erotic space that belongs to each of them.

• Foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm.

• Erotic space isn't just about physical touch; it's also about creating a mental space where you can let go of responsibility.

• Committed sex is premeditated sex. It requires focus and intentionality.

Conclusion

In this section, the speaker concludes by summarizing key points from the talk.

Key Points

• Passion waxes and wanes like the moon but can be resurrected.

• Demystify spontaneity; committed sex is premeditated sex.

• Responsibility and desire don't mix well.

• Erotic couples understand the importance of sexual privacy and creating an erotic space.