Alain de Botton on Romanticism

The Influence of Romanticism on Love

In this section, the speaker talks about how love is shaped by the narratives we read and watch. He explains that we are influenced by the historical and social context in which we love, and that we are currently living in the era of Romanticism.

Love Narratives

• The speaker believes that many of our ideas on love come from reading novels, songs, films, etc.

• We tend to think that we love spontaneously, but in reality, we take a lot of our cues from the outside world.

• Romanticism is an intellectual movement that began in Europe in the late 18th century and has influenced our ideas on love ever since.

Assumptions of Romanticism

• The idea of a soulmate is central to romanticism.

• Romanticism rejects arranged marriages based on reason and instead promotes marrying by instinct.

• Romanticism venerated the special feeling one gets when they meet their soulmate.

The Relationship Between Love and Death

In this section, the speaker discusses the romantic view of love and its relationship with death.

Romanticism and Love

• Romantics often died young, which added to the allure of their love stories.

• Romantics did not have jobs, so they could devote a lot of time to love.

• Nature was incredibly important for romantics, who enjoyed going on long walks in particular places such as waterfalls or dramatic cliffs.

• Dusk was considered a quintessentially romantic time of day.

Romanticism and Sex

• Romantics believed that sex was the ultimate expression of love and consecrated it as such.

• Adultery was seen as catastrophic because it violated everything that romantics believed about love.

The Impact of Romanticism on Relationships

• While many romantic ideas are beautiful and exciting, they have been a catastrophe for our capacity to have good long-term relationships.

• Romanticism replaced an earlier vision of human nature that stressed how fragile, broken, and sinful we all were with an emphasis on the purity and good nature of every human being.

• Children were seen as pure expressions of humankind by romantics.

• Romanticism led to self-righteousness within relationships due to the belief that humans are essentially perfect beings.

The Importance of Self-Knowledge in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of acknowledging that everyone has flaws and is "deeply crazy" in their own way. He argues that having low levels of self-knowledge makes it difficult for people to recognize their own flaws and can lead to self-righteousness.

Acknowledging Our Flaws

• All individuals are "warped" and "distorted" in unique ways due to experiences during childhood and adolescence.

• People have low levels of self-knowledge because others often do not tell them what they think about them.

• Parents may not tell their children certain things because they wish them well, while friends may not want to ruin a pleasant evening out.

• Exes may see certain things about us but tend not to share them as they just want out.

Being Honest About Our Imperfections

• It is important for individuals to acknowledge their imperfections and be able to warn others about the more noxious sides of their personalities.

• One of the best questions we could ask each other on an early dinner date is "how are you crazy?" This would encourage thoughtful, non-defensive answers that could help prepare us for our partner's imperfections.

• Romanticism gets it wrong by emphasizing instinct over reason when it comes to choosing a partner.

The Gift of Calm Explanation

• Explaining one's insanities calmly and thoughtfully is one of the greatest gifts we can give our partners.

• Psychotherapy teaches us that acknowledging our flaws is key to building healthy relationships.

The Problem with Childhood Love

In this section, the speaker discusses how childhood experiences of love can impact our ability to find love as adults.

Childhood Love Was Problematic

• Childhood experiences of love are likely to have been problematic.

• Parents may have unintentionally done a disservice to their children in the way they showed affection.

Impact on Adult Love

• Our search for adult love is often an attempt to refine the kind of love we knew as children.

• However, childhood love was not necessarily problem-free and was laden with difficulties that become new criteria for searching for adult partners.

Familiarity in Adult Partners

• When searching for an adult partner, we are looking for someone who feels familiar rather than someone who brings care, generosity, and goodness.

• We dismiss people who won't make us suffer in the way we expect to be made to suffer in love because our unconscious recognizes that these people won't meet our expectations of what love should be like.

Romanticism and Honesty in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses how romanticism has influenced our ideas about honesty in relationships.

Honesty in Relationships

• Romanticism had a high regard for honesty in relationships and believed that being honest with another person was the whole point of a relationship.

• However, most of the time we have to lie about who we are and what we feel because society demands it of us.

Being Yourself Around Another Person

• The early phase of love allows us to drop our guard and be ourselves around another person.

• However, being fully yourself around another person can be problematic because it often involves revealing our darkest secrets.

The Problem with Honesty

• Romanticism's emphasis on honesty in relationships can lead to problems when we reveal too much about ourselves to our partners.

• This phase tends to last for about three months until the moment when we realize that we have revealed too much and feel ashamed of ourselves.

The Conflict Between Romanticism and Love

In this section, the speaker discusses how romanticism's emphasis on authenticity and idealized love can create conflicts in real-life relationships.

The Path of Honesty vs. the Path of Love

• Romanticism emphasizes authenticity as a key component of love.

• However, full disclosure of oneself to another person can be destructive to that person.

• Therefore, in the name of love, people must hold back and edit themselves.

• This conflict between honesty and love creates difficulties in relationships.

Practical Side of Life

• Romanticism does not address the practical aspects of life such as laundry or housework.

• This sets up an expectation that intelligent and sensitive people do not bother with these things.

• When couples inevitably argue about petty things like towels on the floor, it can lead to bitterness because both partners think they are too clever for such arguments.

Communication in Relationships

• Romanticism also emphasizes that talking too much is often a sign of not really understanding someone.

• However, communication is essential for resolving conflicts and building intimacy in relationships.

• Couples who believe they have understood each other without needing to talk may miss important opportunities for connection.

The Problem with Romanticism

In this section, the speaker discusses how romanticism views the analysis of feelings as a bad thing and how it leads to an outbreak of sulking.

Romantic Beliefs

• Romantics believe that too much analysis and putting words on top of feelings is a bad thing.

• Thinking too much can break things, which is why romantics prefer intuitive understanding without words.

• A quintessential romantic belief is that true love is wordless.

The Problem with Sulking

• Romanticism was responsible for a worldwide increase in the prevalence of sulks.

• A sulk is a feeling of hurt with another person that you are not going to explain because they should know if they truly love you.

• Unfortunately, even the most well-meaning people cannot understand everything about us, and we cannot expect them to be mind readers.

The Fragility of Love

In this section, the speaker talks about how romanticism places the ability to mind-read at the core of its vision of love and how it leads to problems when people cannot understand each other.

Mind Reading in Love

• Romanticism places the ability to mind-read precisely at the kernel of its vision.

• Unfortunately, no one can understand everything about us over the long term, and we cannot expect others to be mind readers.

Imperfections in Love

• When you really love somebody, you love everything about them, even their slightly imperfect things.

• In the early days of love, the fragilities and vulnerabilities of another person are part of what makes that person so lovable.

The Problem with Criticism

• Romanticism doesn't allow for situations where people criticize each other.

• Love is not just about accepting everything about someone; it's also about helping them improve themselves.

The Challenge of Long-Term Love

In this section, the speaker discusses how romanticism views love as a feeling that should last forever and how it leads to problems when people realize that they cannot maintain those feelings over the long term.

The Idealization of Love

• Romanticism views love as an idealized feeling that should last forever.

• Unfortunately, maintaining those feelings over the long term is difficult, and people often become disillusioned with their partners.

The Importance of Communication

• Communication is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship.

• People need to be able to express their needs and desires openly and honestly in order to build trust and intimacy.

The Ancient Greek Vision of Love

In this section, the speaker discusses the ancient Greek vision of love as a process of mutual education in which two people admire each other's virtues and accomplishments.

Love as Admiration for Virtues

• Love is admiration for the perfect sides of another human being, such as their virtues, qualities, character, and achievements.

• The ancient Greeks believed that love should be a process of mutual education in which two people undertake to educate one another to become better versions of themselves.

• This process involves admiring each other's virtues and accomplishments and not minding each other's flaws.

Love as Mutual Education

• For the ancient Greeks, love is a process whereby a teacher and a pupil are constantly rotating roles; everyone is the teacher and everyone is the pupil at certain points.

• This vision of love involves educating one another to become better versions of themselves because they have the sincerest best interest of the other at their heart.

• This process does not involve being cruel or bringing each other down but rather helping each other grow.

Why We Fail to Teach Our Partners

In this section, the speaker discusses why we fail to teach our partners effectively.

Failed Teaching Moments

• Many relationship arguments can essentially be seen as failed teaching moments where something you want to say goes terribly wrong on its journey to your listener.

• One reason why lessons fail so badly is that we don't think it's legitimate to teach our partners.

Being Calm When Teaching

• A good teacher needs to be calm when teaching. One way to achieve this is by not minding too much if your lesson doesn't really get through to the other person.

• However, in love's classroom, we are much more tense and on edge because so much seems to depend on it.

• The background of our thoughts is the most terrifying specter as we're trying to teach, which is that we think we've married an idiot.

Humiliation Doesn't Work

• No one has ever managed to teach anyone anything by humiliating them. By the time you are humiliating your partner in order to teach them something, forget it; the lesson's over.

• In love's classroom, we do not accept that love should be a process of mutual education. We know so much about our partners that no one else ever does, but because we think it's a betrayal of love, that knowledge can't be shared used and grown with.

Nagging and Shirking

In this section, the speaker talks about nagging and shirking in relationships. He explains that nagging is when one person tries to force their partner to believe or listen to them, while shirking is when the other person stops trying to listen. The speaker suggests that these behaviors are common in romantic relationships.

Nagging and Shirking

• Nagging is what happens on the other side of an attempt to teach.

• It involves insisting and forcing a person to believe or listen.

• Meanwhile, shirking is when a person stops listening altogether.

• These behaviors often lead to mutual deafness in relationships.

Building Steps for Love

In this section, the speaker talks about how we can build steps towards achieving high expectations in love. He argues that Romanticism has set high expectations for love but has not provided us with reliable ways of reaching those expectations. The speaker suggests that we need to develop skills for love just like any other area of life.

Learning Love as a Skill

• Romanticism has set high expectations for love but has not provided us with reliable ways of reaching those expectations.

• We need to develop skills for love just like any other area of life.

• Love is ultimately a skill that needs to be learned.

• We should go into relationships with high expectations but also recognize the need for building steps towards achieving those expectations.

Seeing Your Partner as a Child

In this section, the speaker suggests that one way to improve relationships is by seeing your partner as a small child. He argues that this can help us be more patient and understanding towards our partners.

Seeing Your Partner as a Child

• One way to improve relationships is by seeing your partner as a small child.

• This involves imagining that your partner is between the ages of two to three and a half.

• We are good at being patient with children, but we often lack patience with our partners.

• The problem is that we don't look like children, so it's counterintuitive to see our partners in this way.

Understanding Our Brokenness

In this section, the speaker discusses how everyone is broken in some way and that it's important to realize this fact. He also talks about the importance of seeing our partners as lovable idiots and not just idiots.

Realizing Our Brokenness

• Everyone is broken in some way.

• Most people are scared and behave normally out of fear rather than evil.

Seeing Our Partners as Lovable Idiots

• It's important to see our partners as lovable idiots instead of just idiots.

• Comedy and humor can help access the comedic part of ourselves and our partners.

Getting Over Crushes and Finding Compatibility

In this section, the speaker talks about getting over crushes and realizing that there is no such thing as a perfect person. He emphasizes that compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition.

Getting Over Crushes

• We need to get over crushes because they can cause us immense trouble.

• There are no angels, only human beings who are very problematic from up close.

Finding Compatibility

• There is no such thing as a perfect person.

• Compatibility is an achievement of love, not a precondition.

The Paradox of Safety and Excitement in Sex

In this section, the speaker discusses how safety and excitement run in completely opposite directions when it comes to sex. He mentions "free love" as a solution for balancing both needs.

Balancing Safety and Excitement

• Safety and excitement run in completely opposite directions when it comes to sex.

• "Free love" is a solution for balancing both needs.

The Choice Between Varieties of Suffering

In this section, the speaker discusses how life is full of suffering and that we have to make a choice between different types of suffering. He talks about the two main choices: safety and loyalty or excitement.

Types of Suffering

• Life is full of suffering, and we have to choose between different types.

• The two main choices are safety and loyalty or excitement.

• Safety and loyalty provide coziness but can be boring, while excitement is thrilling but chaotic.

• People in California were stunned when the speaker talked about choosing between varieties of suffering.

Melancholy as a Useful Emotion

In this section, the speaker talks about melancholy as a useful emotion that helps us cope with life's imperfections.

Melancholy

• Melancholy is a useful emotion because it helps us cope with life's imperfections.

• Britain's greatest export is melancholy, which has helped many people deal with life's difficulties.

When to Leave a Relationship

In this section, the speaker discusses when to leave a relationship. He provides a simple rule of thumb for deciding whether to stay or leave.

Leaving a Relationship

• If you can honestly pinpoint all the things that are making you unhappy in your life to your partner, then you should leave.

• If there are many sources of unhappiness in your life and you're not sure if you can fully blame your partner for everything, then you should stay.

• Sometimes the unhappiness in a relationship is due to the unhappiness of existence in the company of another person rather than because of that person.

The Insanity of Marriage

In this section, the speaker talks about marriage and how it can be seen as insane from a sober perspective.

Marriage

• From a sober perspective, marriage is completely insane.

• Despite all the reasons why we might not get married, we still do it.

The Importance of Being Locked Together

In this section, the speaker talks about how being locked together in a situation can help individuals develop certain aspects of their character that cannot be developed otherwise.

Benefits of Being Locked Together

• Being locked together in a situation can help individuals develop certain aspects of their character that cannot be developed otherwise.

• Engaging in situations where leaving is not an option can lead to maturity and growth.

• It is important to willingly enter into situations that may be embarrassing or difficult to leave because it helps with personal growth.

Checklist for Long-Term Relationships

• One should accept their own craziness and have a good handle on their partner's craziness before embarking on a long-term relationship.

• Individuals should be ready to communicate effectively and patiently with their partner.

• A sense of humor is necessary for a sincere relationship.

Q&A Session

In this section, the speaker answers questions from the audience regarding relationships and technology.

Developing Tools for Compatibility

• An audience member asks if there are any tools available for compatibility beyond dating sites and job interviews.

• The speaker warns against relying too heavily on technology to find the "right" person as everyone is different and matching algorithms may not account for human nature.

• Instead, he suggests developing apps that teach patience, resourcefulness, forgiveness, and humor in dating.

Technology Limitations

• The speaker recounts an anecdote about Eric Schmidt from Google who stated that it is impossible to create an app to teach people to be more forgiving.

• The speaker agrees with this sentiment and suggests that technology should not be relied upon for everything, especially when it comes to relationships.

The Importance of Love and Teaching Through Novels

In this section, the speaker talks about his novel and how it is an attempt to teach through the medium of a novel. He also discusses the importance of teaching people about love.

The Novel as a Tool for Teaching

• The speaker wrote a novel that follows two people in their attempt to learn lessons of love.

• The speaker believes that novels can be used as a tool for teaching people about love.

• The School of Life is dedicated to skilling people up in this area.

Tinder and Impatient Search for Love

In this section, the speaker talks about Tinder and how it places emphasis on the story of love at a very particular moment which is the moment of choice.

Tinder and Impatient Search for Love

• The speaker thinks that Tinder excites us because it makes choosing people easier.

• However, he believes that Tinder leads to an impatient search where you throw away many human beings.

• He thinks that our technological age has forgotten the lesson that loving anyone requires many of the same resources.

Revealing Insanities to Prospective Partners

In this section, the speaker talks about revealing your insanities to prospective partners.

Timing is Key

• It's important to reveal your insanities at a time when they have not yet wounded your partner.

• Most people are unforgiving to the flaws of others because they encounter those flaws at moments when they've been damaged.

• The time to reveal your insanities is when the other person feels relaxed and tender.

The Role of Honesty in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of honesty in relationships and how it can be difficult to express negative feelings without hurting someone.

Honesty and Negative Feelings

• The speaker emphasizes the importance of being honest about one's feelings, even if they are negative.

• It is important to express negative feelings calmly and strategically so as not to hurt someone with one's own insanity.

• The speaker shares a personal anecdote about being instructed not to fall in love with another artist because it could lead to financial instability. They question whether practical things like money can break up a relationship.

Love and Money

In this section, the speaker discusses the relationship between love and money through the lens of Jane Austen's novels.

Jane Austen's View on Love and Money

• The speaker explains that Jane Austen was obsessed with money in her novels but did not see it as detrimental to everything else.

• Characters' financial status is often mentioned in Austen's novels, which may seem strange for romantics who believe that love has nothing to do with money.

• However, some characters in Austen's novels get together primarily for financial reasons and have terrible lives. Fanny Price from Mansfield Park recognizes that money can contribute positively to a good relationship.

Pursuing Artistic Dreams vs Financial Stability

In this section, the speaker responds to a question about bringing romanticism into a long-term arranged marriage and discusses the importance of appreciation in relationships.

Appreciation in Relationships

• The speaker suggests that when you love someone, you want to possess them, but this can lead to a lack of appreciation.

• Marcel Proust's response to a question about how he would feel if civilization were ending highlights the importance of appreciating things and people while we have them.

• The speaker emphasizes that the question is not really about romanticism but about appreciation, which holds true for all aspects of life.

Appreciating What We Have

In this section, the speaker continues discussing the importance of appreciation in relationships and life.

Appreciating What We Have

• Possessing something or someone can prevent us from noticing their value.

• Marcel Proust's response highlights that everything in life would be full of meaning if we knew it was temporary.

• The speaker encourages taking a lesson from Proust's book and appreciating what we have while we have it.

The Persistence of Romanticism

In this section, the speaker discusses the persistence of romanticism in our society and how it is related to the commercial system we live in.

Commercial System and Love

• The commercial system we live in makes it easier to sell products by associating them with the initial heady moment of love.

• There is a huge interest in talking about the exciting moment when two people get together, which explains why we keep scratching that bit of human nature.

• Filmmakers are more interested in portraying the heady moment of love rather than long-term relationships because it's more exciting and sells better.

A New Way of Approaching Love

• Richard Linklater's film "Before Midnight" is one of the few adult descriptions of love that portrays marriage realistically.

• The fight back against romanticism begins with a novel written by the speaker and with listeners who approach love with a healthy belief, not cynicism or pessimism.