Emotional Self-Intimacy: What It Is And How To Foster It
Introduction
In this video, Heidi Priebe talks about the concept of self-intimacy and how it is the biggest block for most people when it comes to forming deep intimate connections with other people.
Defining Self-Intimacy
- Self-intimacy is defined as being present with yourself in your own undefended state.
- Many of us learn to distort our own emotional and intellectual experiences from a young age, which can prevent us from truly knowing ourselves.
The Importance of Self-Intimacy
- Developing self-intimacy is crucial for forming deep and pervasive connections with others.
- To foster true intimacy with another person, we must first learn to stay connected with ourselves on a moment-to-moment basis.
The Three Levels of Conversation
Heidi discusses the three levels of conversation according to the authentic relating model and how they apply to building intimacy.
The Informational Level
- This level involves talking about objective facts and things that are happening.
The Personal Level
- This level involves talking about what we feel and think about those objective facts. It's where our ego stories live.
The Experiential Level
- This is the deepest level of conversation where true intimacy can be formed by being present with oneself on a moment-to-moment basis.
The Importance of Consistent Narrative
Heidi talks about the importance of having a consistent narrative about who we are.
Ego Stories
- Ego stories are the ways in which we think about ourselves, such as our personality traits or interests.
- Having a consistent narrative is important for making decisions and feeling grounded.
Dropping Down One More Level
- True intimacy with oneself is formed when we drop down one more level and develop a consistent awareness of what it's like to be us in every moment.
Staying Present with Our Felt Experience
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of staying present with our felt experience and not distorting it to fit our preconceived notions. She compares this process to a science experiment where we should look for evidence that disproves our hypotheses.
The Importance of Staying Present with Our Felt Experience
- It's important to stay present with ourselves in moments where our direct felt experience conflicts with the story we have about ourselves or something outside of us.
- We tend to distort our experience or try to change external experiences so that our internal experience will change as well, losing valuable information in the process.
- To really know ourselves, we need to find counter-evidence for the hypotheses we have about ourselves and be willing to challenge them.
Developing Self-Intimacy
- The process of developing deep embodied self-intimacy is learning to be present enough with our moment-to-moment experience of ourselves.
- Lessening resistance to our own inner experience requires a deep dive into how we usually avoid unpleasant emotions and experiences.
- We need to get comfortable noticing moments when we feel desperate to change state and what we're inclined to do in order to change it.
Finding Your Own Hiding Places
In this section, the speaker talks about finding your own hiding places - where you hide your authentic experience from yourself - and getting comfortable noticing moments when you feel desperate to change state.
Noticing Your Tendency To Change State
- We need to get comfortable noticing moments when we feel desperate to change state and what we're inclined to do in order to change it.
- When feeling a strong, overwhelming feeling that you don't want to feel, notice your tendency to dissociate from it or engage in compulsive behavior.
Finding Your Own Hiding Places
- Somewhere inside of ourselves, there are places where we have hidden our authentic experience from ourselves.
- The process of developing deep embodied self-intimacy is learning to show ourselves all of our own hiding spots.
Being Present with Uncomfortable Feelings
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of being present with uncomfortable feelings and not trying to change them. The goal is to notice when we are wanting to change our experience and pay attention to recurring patterns of emotions that we try to disconnect from.
Hiding Places
- There are certain emotions that we systematically do not want to feel, such as anger, grief, abandonment, rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation.
- We have hiding places where we go to avoid these feelings. This could be turning to substances or manipulation.
- The process is about finding the parts of ourselves that we normally hide instead of trying to change those parts or yell at them.
Game of Sardines
- The speaker shares a childhood game called "Sardines" where someone hides and others find them and sit with them in their hiding place.
- This game serves as a metaphor for intimacy - someone finds us in our hiding place and sits with us instead of judging us or trying to bring us out of it.
Building Intimacy with Ourselves
- Instead of yelling at ourselves or telling ourselves what we're doing is wrong, we should sit down with the part of ourselves that's choosing a certain behavior and ask it questions.
- By getting familiar with our own problems in a non-judgmental way, solutions begin to naturally blossom out of that.
Trusting Ourselves
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of building trust with ourselves by being willing to get to know our own problems and avoidance tactics in a deep, embodied, patient way.
Taking Advice
- The speaker shares that she used to be terrible at taking advice because she would not let people in on the full range of her problem.
- By giving someone the entire range of our problem, they can gather more information and provide better advice.
This transcript is relatively short and does not have many distinct sections. Therefore, I have combined some related topics into two main sections.
The Importance of Self-Intimacy
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of self-intimacy and how it can help us better understand our problems and cope with them in a healthy way.
Understanding Our Problems
- Before seeking advice or shaming ourselves for our coping mechanisms, we need to gather enough information about our own problems.
- We need to be present with ourselves and figure out why we are feeling dysregulated or down instead of denying the root of the problem.
- Experiential curiosity is key to fostering self-intimacy. We need to be curious about what is going on within us even if it conflicts with our idea of who we are.
Authentic Yeses and Nos
- To foster self-intimacy, we need to get in touch with our authentic yeses and nos.
- A strong yes is when we feel turned on sexually or emotionally, physically present, engaged, curious, and undefended.
- A strong no often comes up as anger, grief, resentment, disgust or shame. It's important to set boundaries around these feelings so that we can step more fully into our yes energy.
Overall, this section emphasizes the importance of being present with ourselves and getting in touch with our authentic feelings in order to foster self-intimacy. By doing so, we can better understand our problems and cope with them in a healthy way.
The Importance of Self-Intimacy
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of self-intimacy and how it is a never-ending process.
The Process of Self-Intimacy
- Forming intimacy with oneself is a lifelong process that involves being present with oneself through difficult moments.
- This process involves getting to know oneself deeply and fostering non-judgmental intimacy with oneself.
- Learning to face one's fears and survive difficult emotions allows for emotional growth and taking more risks in life.
- Being able to process a range of emotions leads to deeper, more intimate relationships with others.
Authentic Self-Intimacy Through Relationships
In this section, the speaker discusses how deep, intimate relationships can help foster authentic self-intimacy.
The Importance of Deep Intimate Relationships
- Deep, intimate relationships are important for understanding oneself from different perspectives.
- These relationships provide feedback on blind spots and areas for personal growth.
- Developing self-intimacy is a lifelong process that requires experiential curiosity and staying present through discomfort.
- Avoiding difficult emotions cuts us off from our life force and limits our potential experiences in life.
Conclusion
In this section, the speaker concludes by summarizing the importance of developing self-intimacy.
The Rewards of Developing Self-Intimacy
- Developing self-intimacy is a process of becoming more alive and understanding oneself on a deeper level.
- The process involves being curious about oneself, facing fears, and eventually finding interest in the world outside of oneself.