12 toxic things you do in conversations without realising

12 Toxic Things We Do in Conversations

1. Criticizing

• Engaging in negative evaluations of someone's character or actions can create distance in relationships. Statements like "you brought it upon yourself" reflect this toxic behavior.

• Most people harbor self-hatred, so criticizing them for their insecurities will push them away rather than foster connection.

• Instead of fault-finding, focus on recognizing and appreciating the virtues in others to build stronger connections.

2. Name Calling

• Labeling individuals creates a stigma and reduces them to fixed identities, which contradicts the understanding that people are dynamic and evolving.

• Labels can hinder personal growth; when we define someone by a label (e.g., "smart" or "idiot"), we restrict their potential for change.

• Allowing people the freedom to grow beyond labels is essential for healthy relationships; otherwise, they may feel trapped by our perceptions.

3. Diagnosing

• Analyzing someone's behavior as if you are a therapist can be intrusive and unhelpful; it often leads to misunderstandings rather than genuine connection.

• Phrases like "I can read you like a book" imply an unwanted analysis that detracts from active listening and empathy.

• Adopting a diagnosing role stifles open communication; it's better to listen attentively without trying to decode hidden motives.

4. Praising Evaluatively

• While praise seems positive, evaluative praise often carries manipulative undertones, such as expecting something in return (e.g., helping with chores).

• Genuine praise should not come with expectations; instead, express feelings tied to specific actions without ulterior motives.

• A more effective way to praise involves sharing how someone's actions make you feel, fostering authentic appreciation without transactional implications.

5. Sending Solutions

Understanding Communication Pitfalls

Ordering and Threatening

• Ordering: This involves dictating actions to someone, assuming they lack understanding. An example is saying "Do your homework" followed by "Because I said so," which lacks a reasonable explanation.

• Threatening: Highlighting negative consequences if the other person does not comply. Common in toxic relationships, such as threatening to end a relationship during an argument.

• Reactance: Both ordering and threatening can lead to reactance, where individuals resist control over their autonomy, often doing the opposite of what is demanded.

• Promoting Autonomy: To avoid these pitfalls, it’s essential to suggest rather than force decisions on others, respecting their ability to make choices.

Moralizing Behavior

• Moralizing Statements: Using words like "should" can diminish others' self-expression. For instance, telling someone they should break up with a partner imposes one's values onto them.

• Halo Effect: Moralizing creates a perception that the speaker possesses superior wisdom or moral authority, which can alienate others.

• Respecting Individual Paths: It’s crucial not to interfere with others' destinies; everyone has unique experiences and paths that should be respected.

Excessive Questioning

• Inappropriate Questions: Asking irrelevant or nonsensical questions during deep conversations can stifle communication and hinder vulnerability sharing.

• Reflective Listening: Instead of asking inappropriate questions, reflect back what the speaker has shared. This shows empathy and understanding without interrupting their flow of thought.

Advising vs. Listening

• The Problem with Advice: Giving unsolicited advice can insult someone's intelligence by implying they cannot solve their own problems.

• Complexity of Issues: Advice often overlooks the complexities behind personal issues; listening allows for deeper understanding without oversimplifying problems.

Understanding the Complexity of Advice

The Nature of Advice

• The Danish economist Dag Harold suggests that sometimes people do not want solutions, highlighting the complexity in giving advice.

• A personal anecdote illustrates that when giving advice, one often points a finger at others while three fingers point back at themselves, indicating the responsibility taken on by the advisor.

Toxic Communication Patterns

Diverting Conversations

• Diverting occurs when someone dismisses what another person is saying to shift focus onto themselves or their experiences.

• Three reasons for diverting include:

• Unskilled listening,

• Desire for attention,

• Discomfort with emotions being expressed.

Logical Arguments vs. Emotional Focus

• Using logical arguments can detract from emotional discussions; it’s essential to prioritize feelings over facts when someone seeks to vent.

• While logic may be necessary at times, leading with emotion should take precedence in conversations about personal issues.

The Pitfalls of Reassurance

• Reassuring statements like "everything will be okay" can emotionally withdraw support rather than provide comfort.

• Comfort comes from being present with someone's feelings rather than trying to alleviate them through reassurance.

Effective Listening Strategies

Holding Space for Emotions

• Instead of reassuring someone, it's more beneficial to acknowledge their feelings and offer a listening ear without judgment or advice.

• An example illustrates how validating emotions can foster connection and understanding during difficult conversations.

Conclusion on Communication Practices

• Recognizing these toxic communication patterns allows individuals to improve their interactions and build stronger connections with others.