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HOW AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT SABOTAGES INTIMACY
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HOW AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT SABOTAGES INTIMACY

Introduction

Dr. Kim Sage introduces herself and her YouTube channel, Healing Love, which focuses on healing attachment wounds and trauma stories.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style

Dr. Kim Sage discusses how people with an avoidant attachment style long for intimacy but engage in sabotaging behaviors around vulnerability due to childhood experiences of maternal rejection.

Deactivating Strategies Used by People with Avoidant Attachment Style

  • People with avoidant attachment style often say they are not ready to commit even though they have been in a committed relationship for years.
  • They focus on imperfections of their partner as a way to distance themselves from intimacy.
  • They deactivate their attachment system by retreating instead of activating it when faced with vulnerability.
  • They engage in certain strategies to remove themselves from intimacy and vulnerability when it feels like it's too much.

Childhood Experiences that Contribute to Avoidant Attachment Style

  • Children who experience repeated maternal rejection interpret the parents dismissing their needs as rejection, leading them to deactivate their attachment system.
  • Babies who watched mom leave the room without crying too much learned not to show their emotions, leading them to appear uncaring or uninterested in relationships later in life.

Dealing with Avoidant Attachment Style

Dr. Kim Sage emphasizes that understanding where avoidant attachment style comes from is important before working towards changing and healing these behaviors.

Steps Towards Healing Avoidant Attachment Style

  • Identify patterns of deactivating strategies used by people with avoidant attachment style.
  • Recognize that commitment does not mean losing independence and that imperfections are a part of every relationship.
  • Practice vulnerability in small steps to build trust and intimacy gradually.
  • Seek therapy to work through childhood experiences and attachment wounds.

Avoidant Attachment Styles

In this section, the speaker discusses how people with avoidant attachment styles may nitpick and create distance in their relationships as a way to protect themselves from vulnerability.

Signs of Avoidant Attachment

  • People with avoidant attachment styles may find little ways to nitpick and pull away from their partners.
  • They often hold up an ex-partner as the gold standard, even if that relationship was clearly not a good fit.
  • They may flirt with others to create insecurity and instability in their current relationship.
  • They may pull away right when things are going well, causing a rupture in the relationship.

Fear of Vulnerability

In this section, the speaker discusses how people with avoidant attachment styles may struggle with expressing love and engaging in intimate behaviors due to a fear of vulnerability.

Signs of Fear of Vulnerability

  • People with avoidant attachment styles may be very conditional about saying "I love you" or avoid saying it altogether.
  • They may engage in classic loving behaviors but then pull away when things get too intimate or vulnerable.
  • They may form relationships that have no future, such as affairs with married individuals, as a way to protect themselves from fully committing and being vulnerable.

Difficulty Connecting Emotionally

In this section, the speaker discusses how people with avoidant attachment styles may struggle to connect emotionally due to various reasons.

Signs of Difficulty Connecting Emotionally

  • People with avoidant attachment styles may check out mentally when their partner is talking or not pay attention to details.
  • They may disconnect when their partner shares vulnerable feelings, causing a rupture in the relationship.
  • They may keep secrets or leave things foggy as a way to create distance and avoid vulnerability.

Understanding Avoidant Attachment Style

In this section, the speaker discusses how avoidant attachment style can affect relationships and ways to deal with it.

Characteristics of Avoidant Attachment Style

  • Avoidant people tend to create an illusion of being single even when they are in a relationship.
  • They avoid physical closeness and intimacy, such as not wanting to share the same bed or walk together.
  • Avoided people use sleeping issues as an excuse for avoiding connection and talking about feelings.

Coping Strategies for Avoidant Attachment Style

  • Avoidant people engage in coping strategies from childhood to deal with intense emotions and vulnerability triggers.
  • It is important to understand where these coping mechanisms come from and work on healing connections together.
  • Owning your part in the relationship is crucial. It helps you work through what it feels like in your body when you want to ignore emotions or avoid talking about feelings.

The Core of Understanding Attachment Styles

In this section, the speaker explains how childhood experiences shape our attachment styles and influence our relationships.

Childhood Experiences Influence Attachment Styles

  • Childhood experiences shape our attachment styles by influencing our vulnerability fears.
  • Understanding where your attachment style comes from can help you heal yourself and improve your relationships.

Conclusion

In this section, the speaker concludes the video by thanking viewers for watching and encouraging them to follow her on TikTok for more content related to attachment styles, complex trauma, relationships, childhood wounds, and parenting moves.

Final Thoughts

-The speaker thanks viewers for watching and encourages them to follow her on TikTok for more content related to attachment styles, complex trauma, relationships, childhood wounds, and parenting moves.

Video description

**ONLINE COURSES FOR HEALING AND DEALING WITH BORDERLINE/NARCISSISTIC PARENTS AND HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD BY RE-PARENTING YOURSELF (LINK BELOW) **FREE CHECKLIST: DO I HAVE NARCISSISTIC AND/OR BORDERLINE PARENTS? https://www.drsagehelp.com ATTACHMENT COACHING PROGRAM: https://www.drsagehelp.com ********************************************************************** This video is from a new series about healing our childhood and relationships called "Healing Love," and describes how those with Avoidant Attachment may feel vulnerable and engage in "deactivating strategies," in unconscious efforts to minimize intimacy and vulnerability. Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE): 1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA (***This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents. 2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER" (***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds). 3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT Guided journal to help direct healing from childhood coming soon! xo ***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load. *** Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc. Please visit my website www.drkimsage.com to obtain info on fees, treatment, resources, etc! Thank you so very much - I truly and sincerely appreciate you, and the time and thoughts you share here:)