10 Life-changing Lessons From The Longest Ever Study On Human Happiness! Dr. Robert Waldinger | E246
The Importance of Relationships for a Happy Life
In this section, Dr. Robert Waldinger discusses the findings of the longest study ever done on what makes humans live happy or unhappy lives.
Relationships are Key to Happiness and Health
- The study tracked 724 families through their entire adult lives to see what really keeps people happy and healthy.
- The most surprising finding in the study was that it's our relationships that keep us healthier and happier.
- Being lonely is as dangerous to your health as smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day.
- Dr. Waldinger's mission is to bring this science to people in ways they can use.
Optional Suffering and the Role of Psychiatry
- Dr. Waldinger is a psychiatrist, Zen priest, researcher, and father of two grown sons.
- His mission is to relieve optional suffering in the world by working with people struggling with mental illnesses.
- Optional suffering refers to all the stories we tell ourselves about things that turn out not to be true, things that we worry about that turn out to amount to nothing.
Deep Dives into People's Life Experience
- Being a psychiatrist for Dr. Waldinger means taking deep dives into people's life experience.
- He finds it fascinating because everybody is so different, unlike treating high blood pressure where you know what the next case will look like.
- Dr. Waldinger's work introduced him to a young man who was addicted to work and pursuing money at all costs, sacrificing the things that make life meaningful.
Invitation to Dinner Parties
- Dr. Waldinger invites subscribers of his YouTube channel to dinner parties held around the world.
- He is inviting 20 subscribers to every dinner and asks them to hit the Subscribe button if they want to come for dinner with him and his guests on The Diary of SEO.
The transcript is relatively short, so there are only four sections. I have tried my best to associate each bullet point with the correct timestamp provided in the transcript.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development
In this section, the speaker talks about the Harvard study of adult development, which is the longest study of human life ever done. The study aimed to look at what makes people thrive in different domains of life.
The Aim and Participants of the Study
- The Harvard study is the longest study of human life that's ever been done.
- It started in 1938 with 724 families and aimed to look at what makes people thrive in different domains of life.
- Two studies were conducted, one on Harvard college students and another on boys from Boston who came from troubled backgrounds.
- Both studies looked at good normal development instead of what goes wrong.
Changes in Methods Over Time
- The study has looked at mental health, physical health, work life, and relationships over time using different methods such as interviews, medical exams, MRI scans, and DNA testing.
- About 30 brains have been donated by participants who have passed away. These are normal brains for which we know a lot about their lives.
Exciting Advances in Studying Human Life
In this section, the speaker talks about exciting advances made in studying human life through the use of new technologies like MRI scans and DNA testing.
New Technologies Used in Studying Human Life
- Advances have been made through new technologies like MRI scans and DNA testing.
- We can now draw blood for DNA testing and put people into MRI scanners to watch their brains light up when shown different images.
The Importance of Relationships for Happiness
In this section, the speaker discusses how studying human relationships has changed his perspective on happiness and how we often get it wrong when it comes to what makes us happy.
The Impact of Studying Human Relationships
- Studying human relationships has made the speaker more intentional about taking care of his own relationships.
- The biggest finding in the study was that our relationships keep us healthier and happier.
- As a Harvard Professor, the speaker could work non-stop until he drops dead, but he now prioritizes spending time with friends and family.
What We Get Wrong About Happiness
- Most people are bad at knowing what will make them happy.
- A study in Chicago found that talking to strangers on a train made people happier than doing their usual routine.
- Advertisements often promote consumerism as a path to happiness, but research shows that connections with others actually make us happy.
The Power of Connection
- Connecting with others can be energizing and make us happier.
- There is something powerful about wanting to be seen and known by others.
The Pursuit of Happiness
In this section, the speaker talks about how people often pursue things that they think will make them happy but are actually wrong about.
Misconceptions About Happiness
- People are most wrong about fame, wealth, and badges of achievement.
- Fame is quantifiable and measurable through downloads or book readership. Wealth is also quantifiable. However, these things do not lead to happiness.
- Meaningful work can be fulfilling but it's different from getting a prize or badge of achievement.
- Relationships that make us happy cannot be measured as easily as fame or wealth.
Why Do We Strive for Fame and Wealth?
- There may be an evolutionary basis for wanting to be famous or rich or have high status.
- Zen philosophy suggests that we all know there isn't really a fixed self that's going to last after we die. This realization can be scary, so many people grab for things like wealth and fame in order to feel more real and permanent.
- Desire for permanence and significance leads to comparison with others which causes suffering.
Conclusion
- It's better not to play the game of comparison altogether since it leads to less happiness even if it's a positive comparison.
The Brain's Natural Tendency to Compare
In this section, the speaker discusses how the brain naturally engages in comparisons and snap decisions, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness.
Comparisons and Equanimity
- The brain engages in comparisons naturally, trying to make snap decisions about the value of things.
- People's decision-making changes based on the frame in which they see their options or choices.
- The speaker explains that these comparisons are not a sign that the brain hates us but rather a tool that helps us make quick decisions.
- The speaker finds relief from these small comparisons by practicing mindfulness and achieving a sense of equanimity.
Adapting to a Changing World
- The world we live in was not designed for our brains, leading to feelings of suffering as we try to adapt.
- Rather than demonizing screens and digital media, it is important to be intentional about turning away from them when necessary.
- Real-time contact with others is emotionally and psychologically nourishing, so it is important to turn toward each other instead of down the rabbit hole of social media.
Exploitation by Industry
- Many industries are designed to exploit our brains' natural tendencies for profit.
- People often want to change their state simply because they want to feel different.
Being Present for Malaise
In this section, the speaker talks about how we try to get rid of unpleasant experiences in our lives and how discipline is required to be present for them. The importance of time management techniques and their ineffectiveness without discipline is also discussed.
Discipline Required
- Watching and not grabbing onto the next thing to make a feeling go away requires discipline.
- Knowing meditation techniques is not enough if one lacks the restraint to avoid indulging in unhealthy habits.
Time Management Techniques
- There are thousands of time management techniques, but none of them work without discipline.
- The speaker researched various time management techniques but found that they were ineffective.
Finding Discipline
- Discipline cannot just involve saying no; it has to involve having something to turn towards.
- Alcoholics Anonymous works because it provides a social network of people to support you and activities to do instead of drinking.
Importance of Connections and Relationships
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of connections and relationships in improving health outcomes.
Romantic Partnerships
- Research shows that men live 12 years longer on average if they're married, while women live seven years longer on average if they're married. However, it's not about the marriage license; it's about an intimate connection with someone.
- An intimate connection can be with anyone, such as a good friend or sibling.
Secure Attachment
- Everyone needs at least one person to whom they feel securely attached.
The Importance of Secure Connections
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of secure connections and how they can benefit individuals.
Benefits of Intimate Relationships
- Good relationships help manage stress and negative emotions.
- Stress causes physical changes in the body, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate.
- Socially isolated people stay in a fight or flight mode, leading to higher levels of stress hormones and inflammation.
- Isolation, loneliness, or toxic relationships through stress can break down coronary arteries, joints, and make it more likely that you'll get type 2 diabetes.
Stress Management
- Stress is linked to poor nutrition.
- Men are less likely to open up during arguments than women.
- Men often have an aversive physiologic reaction during arguments that makes them want to withdraw.
- Women are more likely to pursue during arguments while men are more likely to withdraw.
Gender Stereotypes
- Men's tendency to withdraw during arguments may be due to socialization from movies or stereotypes portrayed in media.
- Adolescent boys stop emotionally confiding in each other as they get older because it is not considered manly.
Conclusion
The speaker emphasizes the importance of having at least one secure connection for managing stress and negative emotions. He also highlights how gender stereotypes can affect communication styles between men and women.
Decay in Social Capital
In this section, the speaker discusses the decay of social capital and how it affects people's ability to cope with crises.
The Decline of Social Capital
- Sociologist Robert Putnam found that investment in social capital declined starting in the 1950s.
- All indices related to social capital dropped off further in the early 2000s.
- People are becoming more isolated due to factors such as social mobility and digital media.
Effects of Loneliness
- Investigator Julianne Holt-Lundstad estimates that being lonely is as dangerous to health as smoking half a pack of cigarettes a day or being obese.
- Loneliness can lead to an earlier onset of Alzheimer's disease due to a lack of stimulation for brain pathways.
Understanding the Value of Relationships
This section explores why people often fail to understand the value of relationships and how relationships affect our lives.
Taking Relationships for Granted
- Most people do not live in solitude, so they take relationships for granted.
- It is difficult for us to understand that we need to pay attention to, nurture, and cultivate relationships throughout life.
Toxic Relationships
- There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to toxic relationships.
- People must weigh the physiological benefits against the negative effects on their mental health.
Building Successful Relationships
In this section, the speaker discusses how partnerships can have benefits and how conflicts are a natural part of any relationship. The speaker emphasizes the importance of being authentic in a relationship and allowing each other to change over time.
Factors for Successful Relationships
- Conflict is a natural part of any relationship.
- Being authentic is important in any relationship.
- Allowing each other to change over time is crucial for a stable and lasting relationship.
- Supporting each other in exploring new things and taking risks is essential.
Impact of Expectations on Relationships
- Having unrealistic expectations of our partner can hinder the success of a relationship.
- Adjusting our expectations of each other as we change is necessary for making relationships work.
Relationship Advice
- Catching each other being good instead of focusing on annoyances can improve happiness in a partnership.
- Practicing gratitude by finding what's going right with the partnership can lead to greater satisfaction.
The Importance of Flow State
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of being present in the moment and avoiding multitasking. He also talks about flow state and how it can be achieved through various activities.
Wandering Mind
- People spend half their waking moments thinking about something other than what they are currently doing.
- Research shows that people who ruminate or have a wandering mind are more unhappy.
- Multitasking is inefficient as the brain takes time to switch between tasks.
Flow State
- Flow state is a mental state where one is fully immersed in an activity and loses track of time.
- It can be achieved through various activities such as meditation, playing music, painting, running, etc.
- Finding a flow state can give a sense of peace and equanimity.
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Importance of Superfoods in Diet
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of superfoods in his diet and introduces a new product called Daily Greens by Huel.
Daily Greens by Huel
- Contains 91 superfoods nutrients and plant-based ingredients
- Helps meet dietary requirements with convenience
- Currently only available in the US
The Power of Friendships at Work
In this section, the speaker talks about how having friends at work can increase productivity, wellness, and happiness.
Importance of Friendships at Work
- Gallup organization survey found that only 30% of workers had a best friend at work
- Those who had a best friend were better workers, earned more money, were better with customers, and less likely to leave their jobs
- Those who didn't have a best friend were disengaged from their job
- Having friends increases engagement in work
Building Communities Outside of Work
In this section, the speaker discusses how building communities outside of work can improve retention, satisfaction, and engagement.
Building Communities Outside of Work
- Tracking amount of communities outside of office as a KPI for modern era
- Examples include football teams or reading clubs
- Bound by community leads to increased retention, satisfaction, and engagement
The Importance of Social Fitness in the Workplace
In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of social fitness and psychological health in the workplace. They also touch on remote work and its impact on human connection.
The Significance of Social Fitness
- Psychological health and social fitness are crucial for employees' well-being.
- Most adults spend more time at work than doing anything else, making it essential to have good connections with others at work.
- Remote working has led to a decline in social institutions outside of the office, further emphasizing the need for fostering social connections within the workplace.
Remote Work vs. In-Person Work
- There is still much to learn about remote work's impact on emotional communication and interpersonal experiences.
- Some aspects of remote connection are better than expected, such as meaningful talk therapy sessions conducted remotely.
Fostering Social Connections in Remote Work
- CEOs should lead by example when it comes to fostering a culture that values social connections.
- Structuring intentional ways of knowing each other better can help foster meaningful connections even in remote work situations. For example, dedicating time during staff meetings for personal sharing can be an effective way to build relationships among colleagues.
The Importance of Autonomy and Control for Health
In this section, the speaker discusses how having more control and autonomy can lead to better health outcomes. They also discuss how lack of autonomy can have physiological consequences.
Autonomy and Health
- People with more control and autonomy tend to stay healthier and experience less stress.
- Lack of autonomy in jobs can lead to physiological consequences such as increased risk of heart disease.
- Lack of control and constant frustration may keep the body in a chronic stress mode that breaks it down.
Common Struggles Humans Face
In this section, the speaker talks about common struggles humans face, including feelings of not being enough and self-criticism.
Feeling Not Enough
- Feeling like you're not enough is a consistent theme for many people.
- Self-criticism is a larger problem that many people struggle with.
- Symptoms that might bring someone to see a psychiatrist include depression, anxiety, feeling like life is meaningless or not worth living.
Helping Patients Through Talk Therapy
- Psychiatrists often use talk therapy before reaching for medication.
- Many times, just talking about what's wrong can help ease symptoms.
- Normalizing experiences can help patients understand that their struggles are part of being human.
- Taking patients through their pain can help ease it tremendously.
Helping People Who Want to be Helped
In this section, the speaker talks about how some people are willing to look inward and take responsibility for their problems, while others are not. He explains that those who can be helped are the ones who are willing to take responsibility for their troubles.
Willingness to Look Inward
- The people who can be helped are the ones who are willing to look inward.
- Some people will never go for help because they don't want to confront themselves.
- People need to get to a point where they say "maybe I'm making some contribution to my troubles."
Couples Therapy
- When couples come in for therapy, both people contribute to difficulties in the relationship.
- The person who says "no way am I any part of the problem here" is the one who can't be helped.
Confronting Self-Esteem Issues
In this section, the speaker talks about why some people have a hard time taking responsibility for their problems. He explains that confronting oneself can be uncomfortable and threatening for those with low self-esteem.
Defense Mechanisms
- Some people put up a rigid defense because entertaining the idea that they're fallible threatens a total collapse of self.
- Those who feel most vulnerable often put up a self-aggrandizing front and cannot admit doing anything wrong.
Framework for Investing Time
In this section, the speaker talks about his framework for investing time. He explains that his mission is now focused on bringing scientific information to people in a way that they can use.
Mission
- The speaker's mission is to bring scientific information to people in a way that they can use.
- He wants to make the science understandable rather than highly technical and geeky.
- Relieving suffering is one of the most meaningful things he can do with his life.
The Point of Life
In this section, the speaker discusses his view on the point of life and how it is constantly evolving. He also talks about the importance of relationships in life.
The Point of Life
- The point of life is what we make of it.
- Relationships are important because we can matter to each other.
Lessons Learned
In this section, the speaker talks about some things he has gotten wrong and what he has learned from them.
What He Got Wrong
- He worried too much about what other people thought.
- He pursued a prestigious job that he hated.
What He Learned
- Pursuing badges of achievement does not necessarily lead to satisfaction.
- Having meaningful conversations with others can be more satisfying than achieving external recognition.
Redesigning Society for Greater Fulfillment and Happiness
In this section, the speaker discusses how investing in children and their caregivers can have a huge payoff in terms of reducing poverty, substance abuse, and misery down the line. He also gives advice on how individuals can design their lives for fulfillment.
Redesigning Society
- Massive support for children and their caregivers would be a good long-term investment for society.
- Investing in children aged zero to four years old provides the biggest bang for your buck compared to other age groups.
Designing Your Life
- Invest in people by prioritizing all kinds of relationships, including casual peripheral ones.
The Value of Peripheral Relationships
In this section, the speaker discusses the value of peripheral relationships and how they can be beneficial in finding new job opportunities.
Peripheral Relationships
- Peripheral relationships are valuable because they are not in your social network.
- These relationships know many people who you've never heard of and can connect you with people you would have no other connection with.
- Many people struggle with nurturing their peripheral relationships.
Introverts vs Extroverts
- All of us are on some kind of spectrum temperamentally from shyness to extroversion.
- Some people don't need many people in their life at all, while others get their energy from lots of people and want more people in their life.
- There is no one-size-fits-all approach to social connections as neurodivergent individuals may have different social needs than those that are neurotypical.
Social Fabric
- Traditional societies where people stayed in the place they were born had a strong social fabric.
- However, modern society has led to a breakdown in these fabrics as economic opportunities lead to migration and separation from family members.
- This has led to concerns about the loss of social ties and roles within families and communities.
Knitting Social Ties Back Together
In this section, the speaker discusses ways to knit back together broken social ties.
Reconnecting with Friends
- It's important to check-in with yourself to see if you feel a lack of social connections.
- If so, it may be worth reaching out to old friends or acquaintances who could help expand your network.
- However, it's important to recognize that not everyone needs a lot of people in their life and that's okay.
Building Communities
- The speaker suggests the idea of developing an old people's home with friends as they get older.
- However, this can be difficult as people's lives change and they move away for various reasons.
- It's important to find ways to build communities and support each other despite these challenges.
The Importance of Social Fabric
In this section, the speaker discusses his lack of hope for the social fabric and how society is being driven towards prioritizing other things over it. He also talks about how humans evolved to be social animals and that isolation can be a stressor.
Lack of Hope for Social Fabric
- The speaker expresses his lack of hope for the social fabric.
- There is evidence that sometimes we need to feel pain before we change.
- Society is being driven towards prioritizing other things over the social fabric.
Evolution as Social Animals
- Humans evolved to be social animals.
- It was safer to be in groups, which led to passing on genes more often.
- Isolation can be a stressor due to our evolution.
Message for Listeners
In this section, the speaker answers a question left by a previous guest about what era he would go back to in civilization and what his job would be. He then shares his message for listeners based on his work as a Zen priest and psychiatrist.
Going Back in Time
- The speaker would go back to 9th century China and become a Zen Monk.
- He wants to know what it really feels like to be one of those monks with a teacher.
Message for Listeners
- Make kindness your default setting.
- Nourish healthy seeds by choosing kindness whenever you have a choice.
- If you nourish seeds like power or anger, they will grow instead.
Final Message
In this section, the host asks the speaker what message he would leave with listeners if he only had 60 seconds left on earth. The speaker shares his final message based on his work as a Zen priest and psychiatrist.
Final Message
- Make kindness your default setting.
- Whenever you're at a point where you're trying to decide how to take the next step, choose kindness.
- Nourish healthy seeds by choosing kindness whenever you have a choice.
The Importance of Sharing Ideas
In this section, the speaker expresses gratitude for the information shared with them and how it aligns with their mission to inspire people to shape their lives differently.
Gratitude for Shared Information
- The speaker expresses gratitude for the information shared with them.
- They mention that this kind of information and ideas can move people to shape their lives differently.
- The speaker thanks the person who shared the information.
Music Plays
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