Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term

Name: Dr. David Buss: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in Short & Long Term
Uploaded: 2021-11-29T00:00:00.000Z
Duration: 4 h 26 min 2 s

Introduction

In this section, Andrew Huberman introduces Dr. David Buss and his work in evolutionary psychology.

Dr. David Buss

Dr. David Buss is a Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas, Austin.

His laboratory studies the strategies humans use to select mates in the short- and long-term.

They explore sex differences in mating strategy, including why women and men cheat on their partners.

The lab evaluates how status is assessed and how biological influences affect mate selection.

Doctor Buss's Work

Doctor Buss's laboratory explores how people indirectly determine whether or not they stand a chance with a potential mate by using assessments of others.

They also focus on complicated emotions related to mating, love, and relationships such as lust and jealousy.

Recent work from Doctor Buss's laboratory focuses on darker aspects of mating behavior such as stalking and sexual violence.

When Men Behave Badly

Doctor Buss has authored many important books including "When Men Behave Badly: The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault."

The book discusses strategies that people can take to ensure healthy mating behavior and relationships.

Human Mate Selection Behavior

In this section, Andrew Huberman discusses human mate selection behavior with Dr. David Buss.

Laboratory Studies

Doctor Buss's work is grounded in laboratory studies that are highly quantitative using rigorous statistics.

Strategies for Mate Selection

Doctor Buss's work explores why humans select particular mates in the short- and long-term, what men and women do differently, and so on.

Doctor Buss's work is grounded in laboratory studies that are highly quantitative using rigorous statistics.

Key Takeaways

Listeners can take away extremely valuable knowledge that they can use in existing or future relationships from this discussion with Doctor Buss.

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Mate Choice: Theoretical Framework and Evolutionary Basis

In this section, the speaker discusses the theoretical framework for understanding mate choice. The discussion is based on Darwin's theory of sexual selection, which deals with the evolution of characteristics due to their mating advantage rather than their survival advantage.

Understanding Mate Choice

Mate choice involves selecting mates based on primary criteria such as transient mates and lifetime mates.

Long-term committed relationships have different criteria from casual sex or one-night stands.

Sexual selection theory explains how certain characteristics evolve due to their mating advantage rather than survival advantage.

Two causal processes by which mating advantage could occur are intrasexual competition and preferential mate choice.

Intrasexual Competition

Intrasexual competition refers to same-sex battles where qualities that lead to success get passed on in greater numbers.

This process involves competing for position in status hierarchies.

Preferential Mate Choice

Preferential mate choice occurs when members of one sex agree about desired qualities in a mate.

Those who possess these qualities have a mating advantage while those lacking them get banished or ignored.

Mutual mate choice exists in humans where both sexes have preferences and compete for access to desirable partners.

Qualities of a Long-Term Mate

In this section, the speaker discusses the qualities that are desired in a long-term mate. The study conducted on 37 different cultures is also mentioned.

Universal Desires

Intelligence, kindness, mutual attraction and love are universal desires.

Falling in love is not a recent western invention but is experienced similarly across cultures.

Good health, dependability and emotional stability are also universally desired.

Sex Differences

Women prioritize good earning capacity, slightly older age and resource acquisition qualities such as social status, drive and ambition.

Women look at a man's long-term resource trajectory rather than his current resources.

Men do not have specific sex-differentiated preferences.

Highly Variable Attributes

Some attributes were highly variable across cultures in terms of desirability or indispensability in a mate.

Variables in Mate Selection

In this section, the speaker discusses the variables that are important in mate selection across cultures.

Attention Structure and Status

Women attend to the attention structure, which is a key determinant of status.

The people who are high in status are those to whom the most people pay attention.

Women look for qualities such as hard work, ambition, clear goals, and professional development in potential mates.

Mate Choice Copying

Women use what's called mate choice copying.

This is related to the attention structure. Guys who have passed the filters of multiple women are pre-approved men.

Some guys exploit this by hiring wing women to go with them on dates.

Evolutionary Perspective

From an evolutionary perspective, it's reasonable that women would prioritize qualities such as hard work and ambition because of the tremendous asymmetry in our reproductive biology.

The costs of making a bad mate choice are much heavier for women when it comes to sexual behavior certainly because fertilization occurs internally within women.

Men's Priorities in Mate Selection

In this section, the speaker discusses what men value more than women in mate selection.

Physical Attractiveness

Men consistently rank physical attractiveness as a more important criterion than do women about men.

Women do pay attention to a guy's physical appearance and fitness but not necessarily muscularity.

Physical appearance provides information about a person's health status and a woman's fertility. Men prioritize physical appearance because of cues associated with youth and health.

Evolutionary Psychology of Mate Selection

In this section, the speaker discusses how mate selection is not arbitrary and how certain physical features are associated with youth and health. The speaker also explains the age gap in long-term mate selection.

Physical Features Associated with Youth and Health

Certain physical features such as clear skin, clear eyes, symmetrical features, low waist to hip ratio, full lips, and lustrous hair are associated with youth and health.

These qualities have evolved to be part of our standards of attractiveness.

Relative youth is one of the largest sex differences found in long-term mate selection.

Age Gap in Long-Term Mate Selection

Men prefer women who are about three to four years younger than they are on average.

Women prefer guys who are about three and a half to four and a half years older than they are.

The average age gap at first marriage in America is three years with men being older. At second marriage it's five years, and at third marriage it's eight years.

As men get older, they prefer women who are increasingly younger than they are.

Preferences do go up but the gap gets increasingly larger as men get older.

Constraints on Age Gap

Marriage and long-term mating involve doing things as a couple. If there is too large an age gap then essentially you're in different cultures which can lead to misunderstandings.

In contexts where there are no constraints, such as historically kings, emperors, and despots, they prefer young, fertile, attractive females.

Universal Sex Differences in Mate Selection

In this section, Dr. David Buss discusses universal sex differences in long-term mate selection and cultural variability.

Long-Term Mate Selection

Men and women have different criteria for selecting long-term mates.

Men value physical attractiveness, youthfulness, and fidelity more than women do.

Women value resources, social status, and ambition more than men do.

Cultural Variability

Cultural variability exists in mate selection preferences across cultures.

Virginity preference is the most variable desire across cultures.

China places high importance on virginity while Sweden places close to zero value on it.

The importance of virginity has gone down in China over time especially in urban areas where males now value it more than females.

Consistency Over Time

Despite cultural changes over time, the sex differences in mate selection criteria have remained invariant over the years.

Deception vs Truth Telling in Online Dating

In this section, Dr. David Buss talks about how both men and women deceive each other when it comes to online dating.

Predictable Ways of Deception

People lie on their online dating profiles to embody the mate preferences of the person they're trying to attract.

Men exaggerate their income by about 20% and add two inches to their height on average.

Deception in Online Dating

In this section, the speaker discusses how people tend to deceive about their weight and appearance on online dating sites. They also discuss how some internet dating sites have a vetting process for accuracy.

Deception in Online Dating

Women tend to shave off 15 pounds from their reported weight on online dating sites. Both sexes post photos that are not truly representative of what they actually look like.

People might post photos of themselves when they were younger or use tips on how to create the best selfie or photo angle that will enhance what they look like. Photoshopping is also common.

People do find out about deception eventually, such as a colleague who went out with a woman who self-described as a seven but was missing her front teeth. Some internet dating sites have a vetting process for accuracy, such as checking public records for criminal records or sexual offender websites.

Meeting in Person

The photograph tends to overwhelm all other cues on online dating sites, but written statements can be misleading due to deception. It's important to meet the person and interact with them because some qualities cannot be assessed through written statements alone.

Emotional stability is critical in long-term mating and can only be assessed over time by observing how someone responds to stress. Going on a trip together or taking a vacation where you're in an unfamiliar environment can help assess emotional stability because emotionally unstable people tend to have a long latency to return to baseline after a stressful event.

Evolutionary History of Deception

Some forms of deception have been present throughout human evolutionary history when it comes to mate selection, not just limited to online dating sites today.

Deception in Online Dating

In this section, the speaker discusses how modern internet dating opens the door for certain types of deception that were not available ancestrally. The speaker also talks about how men tend to exaggerate their feelings for a woman and how women have defenses against such deception.

Deception in Modern Internet Dating

About 30% of men on Tinder are either married or in long-term committed relationships and are looking for something on the side.

Modern internet dating opens up the door for forms of deception that were at a minimum more difficult to accomplish ancestrally.

People migrate and move from place to place, making it harder to rely on personal observations, relatives, friends, allies, and social reputation as critical sources of information.

Photoshop was not available back then.

Exaggeration of Feelings by Men

Men tend to exaggerate the depths of their feelings for a woman, exaggerate how similar they are, and how aligned they are in their values and religious orientations and political values.

Men are willing to drop their standards in short-term mating if it's low commitment, low risk just sex without entangling commitments.

Defenses Against Deception by Women

Women have defenses against men who exaggerate their feelings for them.

Women prioritize good dad qualities when seeking long-term mates.

Sexual Partner Choice

In this section, the speaker discusses how physical appearance is important for both men and women in short-term mating. Women prioritize bad boy qualities in short-term mating while men are willing to drop their standards if it's low commitment, low risk just sex without entangling commitments.

Physical Appearance

Physical appearance is more important for women in short-term mating than long-term mating.

Men are willing to drop their standards in short-term mating if it's low commitment, low risk just sex without entangling commitments.

Bad Boy Qualities

Women prioritize bad boy qualities such as self-confidence, arrogance, risk-taking, and defiance of conventions in short-term mating.

Women prioritize good dad qualities when seeking long-term mates.

Women's Attraction to Men and Context Specificity

This section discusses how women's attraction to men is more context-specific than men's attraction to women.

Women's Attraction to Men

Women's attraction to men is more context-specific than men's attraction to women.

A female colleague found the organizer of a conference really attractive when he was at the center of attention structure, but not so much when he was just a normal presenter.

Circumstance-dependent women's mate attraction is for guys. It depends on his status, the number of women that are attracted to him, the attention structure, how he interacts with a puppy or a baby.

Infidelity in Committed Relationships

This section discusses infidelity in committed relationships and some consistent findings around reasons for it.

Frequency of Infidelity

The frequency of infidelity is difficult to gauge because people like to keep it secret.

Kinsey estimated 26% of married women committed an infidelity at some point during their marriage, and about 50% of men. Other studies have given lower figures.

Motives for Infidelity

For men, sexual variety is mainly a matter of sexual novelty. About 70% cite that as the key motive.

For women, emotional connection and intimacy are more important motives for committing infidelity.

Why Women Have Affairs

In this section, Dr. David Buss discusses why women have affairs and the competing hypotheses in evolutionary literature.

Dual Mating Strategy Hypothesis vs Mate Switching Hypothesis

The dual mating strategy hypothesis suggests that women seek to get resources and investment from one partner and good genes from another.

The mate switching hypothesis suggests that women are looking to either divest themselves from an existing mateship or trade up in the mating market to a mate who's more compatible with them or higher in mate value.

These two hypotheses are not inherently incompatible, but evidence suggests that the mate switching function of infidelity is a more likely explanation.

Evidence for Mate Switching Hypothesis

Of the women who have affairs, about 70% say they have fallen in love with their affair partner. This is not compatible with the dual mating strategy hypothesis but is very compatible if you want to switch mates.

Actual rates of genetic cuckoldry are pretty low (2-3%), which does not support the dual mating strategy hypothesis.

Risky Endeavor

Having an affair is risky for both sexes in terms of reputational damage.

Women risk losing their long-term mate or damaging their reputation by having an affair.

Mate Insurance

Women may keep a backup mate as potential "mate insurance" in case something happens to their primary relationship.

One woman said, "Men are like soup, you always want to have one on the back burner."

Genetic Cuckoldry and Dual Mating Strategy

In this section, the speaker discusses genetic cuckoldry and dual mating strategy as a way to capture it. The speaker explains that genetic cuckoldry is named after the cuckoo bird, which sneaks its eggs into the nest of another bird, destroys the future offspring of the bird, and offloads all the work onto another. The speaker also talks about how ovulation shifts were initially thought to support the dual mating strategy hypothesis but subsequent studies have failed to replicate these early findings.

Genetic Cuckoldry

Named after the cuckoo bird that sneaks its eggs into another bird's nest.

Destroys future offspring of other birds and offloads all work onto another.

Parasitizes parental investment.

Dual Mating Strategy

Ovulation shifts were initially thought to support this hypothesis.

Women experience preference shift toward more masculine and symmetrical men during ovulation.

Effects of ovulation on women's mate preferences are far weaker than initial studies suggested.

Some larger scale studies have failed to replicate these early findings entirely.

Long-Term Affairs vs Transient Affairs

In this section, the speaker discusses whether affairs tend to be more long-lasting for women than for men. The speaker explains that women tend to have affairs with one person and become emotionally involved with that one person over time. Men who have affairs tend to have affairs with a larger number of affair partners, which by definition cannot be long-lasting.

Women's Affairs

Women tend to have affairs with one person.

Become emotionally involved with that one person over time.

Men's Affairs

Men who have affairs tend to have affairs with a larger number of affair partners.

By definition, can't be long-lasting.

Emotional and Financial Infidelity

In this section, the speaker discusses emotional and financial infidelity. Emotional infidelity is falling in love with someone else, becoming psychologically close to someone else, sharing intimate or private information with someone else. Financial infidelity involves keeping financial information from one's spouse in one way or another.

Emotional Infidelity

Emotional infidelity is falling in love with someone else, becoming psychologically close to someone else, sharing intimate or private information with someone else.

Men tend to be more focused on the sexual components of the infidelity because those are what compromise his paternity certainty. Women are more upset by emotional infidelity.

The sexes seem to differ in which aspects of the infidelity they are attuned to or more upset by.

Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity involves keeping financial information from one's spouse in one way or another.

30% to 60% of all people keep financial information from their spouse in one way or another.

Both sexes engage in financial infidelity.

Diverting pooled resources to one set of genetic relatives versus another set is another thing that people tend to keep secret.

Overall, it is important not only to consider sexual fidelity but also emotional and financial fidelity when discussing relationship trust and honesty.

Infidelity and Status

In this section, the speakers discuss the differences in how men and women define infidelity. They also touch on the topic of status and what people find attractive.

Infidelity Definitions

Women have a broader definition of infidelity that includes emotional and financial infidelity.

Couples often argue about whether contraception was used during infidelity.

Using a condom is seen as less intimate than not using one.

Evolutionary Roots of Infidelity

The differences in how men and women define infidelity may have deeper evolutionary roots.

The withdrawal method of contraception may be an example of past contraceptive methods.

Status and Attraction

Higher status gives people the ability to choose partners.

People are sometimes aware of what they want but unaware of why they want it when it comes to mating preferences.

Men find women with a low waist-to-hip ratio attractive, but they may not know why.

Status and Mating

In this section, the speaker discusses the reciprocal link between status and mating success. He explains how having access to desirable mates can lead to higher status, and vice versa. The speaker also mentions studies that have been conducted on this topic.

Link Between Status and Mating Success

People strive for status because it gives them access to more desirable mates.

Having a desirable mate can lead to higher status.

There is a reciprocal link between status and mating success.

Studies on Status and Mating

Studies have been conducted where an unattractive man is paired with a stunningly beautiful woman as his girlfriend. This leads people to assume that he must be high in status.

The assessment of potential mates is often made by looking at the choices of others as a readout of your own choices.

Jealousy in Men vs Women

In this section, the speaker discusses jealousy in men versus women. He talks about how frequent and intense jealousy can be, as well as what people do with their jealousy. The speaker also explains what jealousy is from an evolutionary psychology context.

Jealousy in Evolutionary Psychology Context

Jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves several adaptive functions.

One function of jealousy is mate guarding or mate retention.

Long-term pair bonds require a defense to prevent or preserve the investment made in long-term mateship.

Jealousy gets activated when there are threats to that romantic relationship.

Prior Views on Jealousy

Prior to the speaker's research, jealousy was regarded as a sign of immaturity, insecurity, neurosis or pathology, or in some cases delusion.

Conclusion

In this section, the speaker concludes his discussion on status and mating success and jealousy. He emphasizes that jealousy is an evolved emotion that serves several adaptive functions. The speaker also mentions other forms of jealousy such as sibling jealousy.

Other Forms of Jealousy

There are other forms of jealousy besides mating jealousy, such as sibling jealousy.

Final Thoughts

Jealousy is not a sign of immaturity or insecurity but rather an evolved emotion that serves several adaptive functions.

Jealousy and Mate Value Discrepancies

In this section, the speaker discusses how jealousy can be triggered by mate value discrepancies in a relationship. He explains that people tend to pair off based on similarity and mate value, and that discrepancies can open up where none previously existed. The higher mate value person is statistically more likely to have an affair and is more likely to trade up in the mating market.

Emotional Distance and Unreciprocated "I Love You"

An unreciprocated "I love you" is a bad cue of a lack of emotional distance between partners.

People are tuned to detect delays in responses, even half-millisecond delays.

Interested Mate Poachers

Other people may try to poach someone's partner if they are desirable.

Jealousy motivates people to be attentive to potential mate poachers in their environment.

Mate Value Discrepancies

Even subtle things like mate value discrepancies can trigger jealousy.

People tend to pair off based on similarity and mate value (e.g., 6 with 6, 7 with 6 or 8).

Discrepancies can open up where none previously existed (e.g., getting fired from a job or one's career taking off).

Statistical evidence shows that the higher mate value person is more likely to have an affair and trade up in the mating market.

Tactics for Dealing with Jealousy

There are 19 different tactics that people use to deal with problems once they get jealous.

Vigilance for the behavior of the mate includes stalking, following, hacking into iPhones or computers, monitoring the behavior of mate poachers, looking at eye contact between other men and one's partner.

Violence is the other extreme, which includes intimate partner violence.

Intimate Partner Violence

In this section, Dr. David Buss discusses intimate partner violence and its potential functionality in reducing perceived mate value discrepancies.

Violence Between Partners

Intimate partner violence is not a trivial percentage of relationships.

Violence tends to reduce perceived mate value discrepancies.

Men tend to engage in violence more than women do, but there is some equality in the violence.

Verbal violence is a good predictor of physical violence happening as well.

Diabolical Tactics

Men will insult their partner's appearance to denigrate her self-perceived mate value.

Women who are physically injured by their partners experience lowered mate value due to physical appearance damage.

Predictors of violence include cutting off relationships with friends and family, sequestering the woman, and preventing exposure to potential other partners.

Female-to-Male Violence

Evidence suggests that some women beat their husbands, but men tend to do more physical damage.

There may be under-reporting of women beating up men due to police bias.

The motivations for female-to-male violence are often different from male-to-female violence.

Intimate Partner Violence

In this section, the speaker discusses intimate partner violence and its different forms.

Forms of Intimate Partner Violence

Self-defense accounts for some unknown percentage of cases.

Women are more vulnerable to physical violence when pregnant, and men are more likely to direct violence towards blows to her abdomen if he suspects that he's not the father of that pregnancy.

One function of intimate partner violence is hypothesized to be terminating a pregnancy by a rival male.

Mate Retention Tactics

There are psychological manipulations about perceived mate value, such as no one else would want you or denigration of partner within the relationship.

All kinds of inter-nesting warfare go on within relationships to manipulate perceptions of these things.

Mate retention tactics fall under what the speaker calls "mate retention tactics," with only one or two falling under the violence category.

The Dark Triad

In this section, the speaker discusses individual differences in personality characteristics known as the dark triad.

The Dark Triad Personality Characteristics

The dark triad consists of three personality characteristics: narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity and thinking they're more intelligent, attractive, dazzling, and charming than they actually are.

Machiavellianism involves manipulation and exploitation of others for personal gain.

Psychopathy involves callousness and lack of empathy towards others.

Dark Triad Traits

In this section, the speaker discusses the three traits that make up the "Dark Triad": narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

The Three Traits

Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others.

Machiavellianism involves an exploitative social strategy where individuals feign cooperation but then cheat on subsequent moves.

Psychopathy is marked by a lack of empathy and view other people as pawns to be manipulated for their own instrumental gains.

High Dark Triad Guys

Men tend to score higher on these traits than women, especially on the psychopathy dimension.

Those who are high on dark triad traits tend to be sexual deceivers, sexual harassers, serial sexual harassers, and sexual coercers.

High dark triad guys are more susceptible to the sexual over-perception bias and believe that women are attracted to them and sending them signals.

Sexual Violence

It's estimated that only a minority of men have all three dark triad traits.

Perpetrators of sexual violence tend to be serial offenders with multiple victims.

Well-known cases like Harvey Weinstein and Jeffrey Epstein were definitely high on dark triad traits.

Stalking

In this section, the speaker discusses stalking behavior.

What is Stalking?

Stalking is defined as a pattern of repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

Stalking can take many forms, including physical stalking, cyberstalking, and surveillance.

Stalking Behaviors

Stalkers often engage in behaviors such as following the victim, showing up unexpectedly at their home or workplace, making unwanted phone calls or sending unwanted messages.

They may also engage in more extreme behaviors such as threats of violence or actual physical violence.

The Impact of Stalking

Stalking can have serious psychological effects on victims such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

It can also have practical consequences such as loss of employment or relocation.

Stalking Motivations

In this section, the speaker discusses the motivations behind stalking and how it can sometimes work.

Stalking Motivations

One of the most frequent motivations for stalking is a mating motivation, where either there's a breakup and the man wants to maintain a relationship with her.

About 80% of stalkers tend to be men, about 20% women.

The motivation of men tends to be either an attempt to get back together with the woman or interfere with her future mating prospects.

Sometimes stalking works in interfering with her attempts to remate.

Psychological Seeds of Surveillance

In this section, the speaker talks about how surveillance is used as a form of harassment and how it can plant psychological seeds.

Psychological Seeds of Surveillance

Veiled threats about surveillance are more frequent than people actually trailing people in cars and things like that.

Planting psychological seeds is a form of harassment.

Some surveillers remain hidden, so you don't necessarily know if you're being watched.

Positive Response to Stalking

In this section, the speaker discusses how often women respond positively to stalking.

Positive Response to Stalking

It's a minority of cases that stalking works to reestablish a sexual or permanent relationship.

One woman reported that after six months, there were no other guys because he scared them off. She went back to him because there were no other guys around.

The speaker shares a real-life example of a couple where the man would beat up whoever the new suitor was, and pretty soon no one would go near them. They ended up together.

Mate Value Discrepancy

In this section, the speaker talks about how mate value discrepancy can be a motivation for stalking.

Mate Value Discrepancy

The circumstances are often a mate value discrepancy where the guy realizes correctly that he will be unable to replace her with a mate of equivalent mate value or in some cases any mate.

The Impact of Mate Value Discrepancy on Stalking

In this section, the speaker discusses the impact of mate value discrepancy on stalking and how it tends not to work. He also shares findings from a study of 2,500 victims of stalking.

Mate Value Discrepancy in Stalking

There are large differences between the stalker and the victim of the stalker in terms of mate value.

The stalker tends to be much lower in mate value than the victim.

It is typically the woman who realizes she can do better on the mating market, and the guy realizes he cannot replace her with a woman of equivalent mate value.

As a result, he may use stalking as a last-ditch desperate measure to try to get her back.

Impact of Having Children on Mate Value

Having children generally decreases a woman's and man's mate value because kids with another mate are viewed as a cost, not a benefit.

Kids will be financially dependent and require investment from both partners.

Women tend to have greater custody over kids, which affects their perceived mate value more than men's.

A guy with kids is generally viewed as a cost by women unless his kids are old enough and no longer financially dependent.

Exceptions to Impact on Mate Value

Sometimes having children can be beneficial if there is compatibility between two people who both have children from previous relationships.

Displaying effort by investing in her kids can increase perceived mate value for both men and women.

Childhood Attachment and Mate Choice

In this section, the speakers discuss how early childhood attachment to parents influences mate choice later on. They also touch on different attachment styles and their impact on long-term relationships.

Childhood Attachment and Mate Choice

If a person has status, resources, and other qualities associated with higher mate value, they will remain attractive to younger women.

Neural circuits for attachment in childhood may be repurposed for other forms of attachment in adulthood.

A secure attachment style is conducive to a long-term mateship.

Avoidant people tend to have more difficulty with intimacy and higher probability of infidelity.

Relationship Loads

Baggage that someone brings to the relationship can affect its stability.

The frequency of demand for immediate text message responses plays out consistently in relationships.

People's level of anxiety affects their response to delayed text messages.

Unconventional Relationships

Monogamish relationships are becoming more common.

Passes and permission based on prior infidelities are sometimes used in unconventional relationships as an effort to bypass cultural norms around mate choice and sexual partner choice.

Evolutionary Psychology of Polyamory

In this section, the speaker discusses the evolutionary psychology behind polyamorous relationships and how it relates to sexual jealousy.

Polyamory and Sexual Variety

Men are more likely to initiate a polyamorous relationship than women due to their evolved desire for sexual variety.

Women may agree to a polyamorous relationship as a mate retention tactic.

Both men and women have a desire for sexual variety, but it tends to be greater in men on average.

Sexual Jealousy in Polyamory

Sexual jealousy is an evolved emotion triggered by seeing or imagining one's partner having sex or falling in love with someone else.

Different couples have different ways of dealing with sexual jealousy in polyamorous relationships.

Emotional connections can trigger more jealousy than purely sexual encounters.

Some individuals may be more accepting of their partner having sex with others of the same gender rather than opposite gender.

Evolved Mating Psychology

Humans have a complex evolved mating psychology that includes desires for sexual variety and emotional connection, as well as feelings of jealousy.

Novel forms of relationships such as polyamory attempt to satisfy some aspects of our evolved desires while keeping others quiescent.

Pornography is an example of how our evolved desire for sexual variety can be parasitized.

The Impact of Online Pornography on Mate Value

In this section, the speakers discuss the impact of online pornography on mate value and how it affects people's ability to assess their own value in relationships.

The Evolution of Sexual Desires

People can experience sexual desires without actually engaging in sexual activity by viewing pornography.

Online pornography offers a tremendous variety of experiences that are highly intense, which can lead to young people becoming wired to observing sexual acts rather than engaging in them.

This can be problematic as it affects people's ability to engage in real-life sexual activities.

Assessing Mate Value

People want to feel attractive and attracted, and they seek stability in relationships.

Mate value is an important factor when assessing potential partners for a relationship.

Self-evaluation tracks mate value to some extent, but there are individual differences in components of mate value that are important for different people.

Self-esteem is one internal monitoring device that tracks mate value.

Objective Metrics for Assessing Mate Value

There is no objective metric for assessing mate value, but people are generally good at self-assessing their own mate value.

Consensual mate value exists where there is a fair amount of consensus among a group of people about someone's attractiveness or desirability as a partner.

Individual differences exist in components of mate value, which means that not everyone will be going after the same type of person.

Overall, online pornography has had a significant impact on how people assess their own mate value and the types of partners they seek in relationships. While there is no objective metric for assessing mate value, people are generally good at self-assessing their own value, and consensual mate value exists to some extent. However, individual differences in components of mate value mean that not everyone will be going after the same type of person.

Accuracy of Assessing Mate Value

In this section, the speaker discusses how assessing mate value is complicated and there are no good measures to do so scientifically. He explains that there are many different components of mate value, which vary in amount and nature, making it difficult to assess accurately.

Components of Mate Value

There are many different components of mate value, including physical attractiveness, kindness, emotional stability, health status, and more.

These qualities are large in number and complicated in nature.

People have a good intuitive sense of people's relative mate value, especially if they've been able to interact with them for a long time.

Attention structure can be an indication of high mate value. If many other people want to mate with someone, it's a good cue that they're high in mate value.

Deciding Who to Ask to Prom

In this section, the speakers discuss how deciding who to ask to prom is similar to assessing mate value. They explain that there is a complicated assessment based on who one would like to go with and whether or not you're already partnered.

Assessment for Prom

There is a complicated assessment based on who one would like to go with.

Rejection can lower one's own perceived mate value.

Many guys have mating anxiety because they don't approach women due to fear of rejection.

Cognitive Behavioral Desensitization

In this section, the speakers discuss cognitive behavioral desensitization as a way for individuals with mating anxiety to overcome their fear of rejection.

Cognitive Behavioral Desensitization

Cognitive behavioral desensitization can help individuals with mating anxiety overcome their fear of rejection.

Albert Ellis assigned himself the task of asking 50 women out on dates to inure himself to rejection.

Self-deception is when people deceive themselves rather than trying to convince someone else of something they know isn't true.

Self-Deception and Deception

In this section, the speakers discuss how self-deception can facilitate deception and increase its effectiveness. They also talk about how people use displays of self-confidence as a cue to someone's abilities.

Self-Deception and Deception

Self-deception can facilitate deception and make it more effective.

People self-deceive in order to increase the effectiveness of actual deception.

People use other people's displays of their self-confidence as a cue to their abilities.

Displays of self-confidence are generally a reliable cue, but there are overestimates and underestimates.

Job Candidates

When considering job candidates, confidence is often used as a heuristic for not needing to vet all information quite as carefully.

Being aware of this subconscious process can be helpful in digging deeper into a candidate's qualifications.

Psychopathy

People high on psychopathy are very good at deception, but it is unclear whether they are good at self-deception or just really good deceivers.

Psychopaths can be very effective at deception.

The Future of Neuroscience and Evolutionary Psychology

In this section, the speakers discuss the potential merging of neuroscience and evolutionary psychology. They also talk about the importance of understanding both evolved function and underlying machinery when studying human behavior.

Merging Neuroscience and Evolutionary Psychology

Neuroscience and evolutionary psychology are nudging towards one another, and it's only a matter of time before they merge in some formal way.

Getting at the neuroscience is getting at the underlying mechanisms that are driving human behavior.

Evolutionary psychology brings evolved function and ultimate explanation, while neuroscience brings understanding of the underlying machinery.

Collaboration

The speakers express interest in collaborating on a brain imaging study on jealousy or another topic related to their fields.

They believe that collaboration between neuroscience and evolutionary psychology will happen because it is necessary for understanding human behavior.

Books by David Buss

In this section, the speakers discuss David Buss's books and recommend them to those interested in learning more about evolutionary psychology.

Books by David Buss

David Buss's most recent book is called "When Men Behave Badly: The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault."

Other books by David Buss are recommended for those interested in learning more about evolutionary psychology.

Dr. David Buss' Books

In this section, Dr. David Buss talks about his books and their topics.

Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating

Provides a broad overview of what people want in a mate, tactics of attraction, tactics of mate retention, and causes of divorce.

When Men Behave Badly

Discusses the darker sides of human mating such as intimate partner violence, stalking, sexual harassment, and sexual coercion.

Helps in understanding why men and women seem at odds with each other in so many domains.

Deals with conflict between the sexes.

Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind

Widely used textbook in evolutionary psychology around North America and Europe that deals somewhat with mating but also deals with survival problems, evolved fears and phobias, issues about kin and family, extended family, friendships,

social hierarchy, status hierarchies,

warfare, and other topics.

Conclusion & Support

In this section Andrew Huberman concludes his conversation with Dr. David Buss by thanking him for his work and providing ways to support the podcast.

Thanked Dr. David Buss for his clarity and depth on human mating strategies throughout the whole mating process including serial mating causes of divorce etc.

Provided links to Dr.David's website as well as his new book "When Men Behave Badly".

Encouraged listeners to subscribe to their YouTube channel or leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify if they are learning from or enjoying the podcast.

Encouraged listeners to put any questions they have in the comment section on YouTube and also make suggestions about future topics for the podcast or future podcast guests that they would like them to host.

Mentioned their sponsors at the beginning of the podcast and encouraged listeners to check them out as one of the best ways to support them.

Provided a link to their Patreon page where listeners can support this podcast at any level that they like.

Human Mate Selection and Strategy

In this section, the speaker thanks the audience for joining him in a discussion with Doctor David Buss about human mate selection and strategy. He also mentions that Thorne makes other supplements that can be purchased at a 20% discount.

Conclusion

The speaker concludes the discussion by thanking the audience for their interest in science.

The video ends with rock music playing in the background.