Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142

Name: Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142
Uploaded: 2022-05-12T05:00:05.000Z
Duration: 3 h 12 min 42 s

Introduction and Importance of Subscribing

The speaker requests the audience to hit the follow or subscribe button as it greatly helps the channel. He emphasizes that subscribers are invited to watch the show in person every month.

The speaker asks for support by hitting the follow or subscribe button.

Subscribers are invited to attend live shows.

Emphasis on the importance of subscribing.

Dispelling the Myth of "The One"

The guest, Matthew Hussey, discusses the misconception of finding "the one" and highlights that a long-term commitment is built through effort and true connection.

The idea of "the one" is debunked.

Long-term commitment requires genuine effort.

Personal experience with challenging moments in life.

Overcoming Dark Moments

Matthew shares his personal struggle with dark moments caused by health issues and financial insecurity.

Matthew's darkest moments were related to health issues.

Previous ability to fix problems but unable to fix this particular issue.

Aspiring to Be the Best Chef

An analogy is used where aspiring to be a great chef is more important than having the best ingredients. It relates to personal growth and development.

Focus on becoming a great chef rather than having superior ingredients.

Striving for personal growth and improvement.

Introduction - Diary of a CEO USA Edition

Stephen Bartlett introduces himself as the host of "Diary of a CEO USA Edition."

Stephen Bartlett introduces himself as host.

The Downfall of Glory

Stephen and Matthew discuss how the thing that brings glory can often lead to downfall. Anomalies like Matthew tend to have experienced trauma or challenging situations in their early years.

The speaker reflects on how achieving glory can lead to downfall.

Anomalies like Matthew often have a defining moment or trauma in their past.

Identifying Life's Pokes

Stephen asks Matthew if he has identified the specific event or situation that shaped him into the person he is today.

Matthew believes financial insecurity played a significant role in his life.

Desperation for control and fear of being at the mercy of life.

Seeking Control and Importance

Matthew shares his desire for control over his life due to financial difficulties and a need to feel special.

Financial difficulties led to a desire for control.

Insecurity drove ambition and a need to feel important.

Ambition Driven by Insecurity

Matthew discusses his obsession with control, ambition, and feeling special.

Obsessive need for control defined early adult life.

Combining ambition with insecurity drove actions.

Shallow Validation

Matthew recalls an incident where someone believed he would become rich, providing shallow validation during a time of uncertainty.

A girl believed he would become rich, providing validation during uncertain times.

Fear of Being at the Mercy of Life

Matthew explains that his drive for control stemmed from fear of being at the mercy of external circumstances.

Fear of being controlled by external circumstances.

Early adult life defined by an obsessive need for control.

Problems and Insecurity

Matthew's need for control stemmed from feeling unable to solve problems during financial difficulties.

Financial difficulties led to a sense of being unable to solve problems.

Need for control driven by insecurity.

Desperate to Feel Special

Matthew shares his desire to feel special and the belief that normalcy is undesirable.

Desire to feel special and important.

Rejecting normalcy and striving for uniqueness.

Pursuing Different Paths

Matthew discusses his early experience as a DJ, driven by ambition and insecurity.

Working as a DJ at his father's nightclub from a young age.

Ambition fueled by insecurity and desire for uniqueness.

Seeking Validation through Work

Matthew's relationship with women in his early years was influenced by shyness, ambition, and seeking validation through work.

Shyness affected relationships with women in teenage years.

Seeking validation through work rather than socializing.

Playing Dungeons and Dragons

The speaker talks about playing Dungeons and Dragons and the absence of hazards in the game.

Playing a Game without Hazards

The speaker mentions that when playing Dungeons and Dragons, there are no hazards or dangers involved.

Finding Happiness

The speaker discusses their approach to finding happiness and the importance of recognizing simple things that bring joy.

Being Aware of Simple Pleasures

The speaker emphasizes being aware of the simple things that make them happy.

They mention being a note-taker and believing in capturing moments of happiness.

Quoting Winston Churchill, they explain why they write so much when experiencing positive emotions.

Pausing Life to Understand Emotions

When encountering positive emotions like peace or happiness, the speaker pauses life to understand how they arrived at that feeling.

They reflect on their thoughts, surroundings, and actions to identify the chain of events leading to those emotions.

Seeking a Formula for Positive Emotions

The speaker desires a formula for recreating positive emotions in the future. They refer to this as having "emotional buttons."

Emotional buttons are triggers or reminders that help them access specific emotional states instantly. Examples include watching an Anthony Bourdain video or remembering a phrase by Rich Roll.

Connecting with Life's Meaning

The speaker shares their experience of feeling disconnected despite achieving success and highlights the importance of being connected in life.

Feeling Disconnected Despite Success

Despite achieving success in their career, the speaker felt disconnected from their own life during their 20s.

They describe the confusion and inability to understand why they couldn't feel the fulfillment they expected.

Importance of Being Connected

The speaker believes that being connected is crucial in life. They mention Simon Sinek's concept of finding one's "why" and the need for motivation.

They emphasize that getting connected is a fundamental aspect of living a fulfilling life.

The transcript provided does not contain any timestamps beyond this point, so further sections cannot be created based on timestamps alone.

What Makes It Meaningful

This section discusses the concept of finding meaning and passion within our current circumstances rather than constantly seeking external changes.

Finding Passion Within Our Current Circumstances

There is more room to experience passion within our existing environment than we think.

Constantly trying to change our environment may not be necessary to find meaning and fulfillment.

Instead of focusing on external factors, we should explore how we can create passion and purpose within our current situation.

Lack of Personal Responsibility in Relationships

This section explores the importance of personal responsibility in relationships and how some individuals struggle with taking ownership for their actions.

Lack of Personal Responsibility

Some people have difficulty taking responsibility for their actions and tend to avoid self-reflection.

It is concerning when individuals lack personal responsibility in relationships, personal development, or other aspects of life.

Taking ownership and asking oneself about the role they played in a situation is crucial for personal growth.

The Role of Personal Responsibility in Positive Outcomes

This section highlights the significance of personal responsibility in achieving positive outcomes in various areas such as dating, business, and life overall.

Importance of Personal Responsibility

Taking personal responsibility makes an individual more likable.

Embracing extreme ownership allows for self-improvement and better handling of challenging situations.

While certain circumstances may not be one's fault, taking responsibility empowers individuals to find ways to handle them better.

Being accountable for one's emotions and actions leads to a more productive approach towards improving situations.

Ownership vs. Fault

This section delves into the distinction between ownership and fault, emphasizing the importance of taking responsibility without blaming oneself for external circumstances.

Ownership and Fault

Ownership should not be equated with fault.

It is not one's fault if certain things happen in life, but they can still take ownership of how they respond to those situations.

Confidence can be an unjust concept as individuals start from different positions due to various factors such as past rejections or unequal opportunities.

The TV show "Chopped" exemplifies the idea that individuals are judged based on what they create with the given ingredients, highlighting the importance of making the most out of one's circumstances.

Confidence and Injustices

This section explores the injustices related to confidence and how individuals may have different starting points when it comes to building confidence.

Injustices Related to Confidence

Confidence is not equally distributed in life, and individuals face different challenges based on their starting point.

It can be insulting to suggest that someone should simply be confident without considering their unique circumstances.

Acknowledging these injustices helps understand why building confidence may be more challenging for some individuals.

Making the Most Out of What You Have

This section emphasizes the importance of focusing on what one can do with their given circumstances rather than lamenting over what they lack.

Maximizing Your Circumstances

Instead of dwelling on what one lacks or finds frustrating about their circumstances, focus on making the most out of them.

Imagine being judged solely based on your abilities rather than external factors.

By embracing personal responsibility and utilizing available resources effectively, individuals can achieve great things regardless of their starting point.

New Section

The speaker discusses the emotional component of chronic pain and how it can be managed.

Emotional Component of Chronic Pain

The speaker mentions that there is an emotional component to chronic pain.

They explain that the way they relate to their pain can either worsen or reduce the emotional component.

On days when the pain is severe, the speaker practices self-compassion and slows down instead of pushing themselves too hard.

They emphasize the importance of letting go of expectations on days when the pain is overwhelming, which helps reduce emotional distress.

The speaker shares how they used to beat themselves up for being in pain, feeling weak or deficient. However, they learned that this only made the pain worse.

They mention that controlling stress, anxiety, self-judgment, and shame can have a positive impact on managing chronic pain.

New Section

The speaker discusses how emotions can affect overall health and shares their personal experience with stress-related illness.

Impact of Emotions on Health

The speaker highlights that while not everyone may relate to chronic pain experiences, many people can understand how out-of-control emotions impact their immune system.

They share their personal experience of getting ill when experiencing high levels of stress in their life.

The speaker asks if there are any strategies implemented by others to manage emotional stress responses caused by life events.

New Section

The speaker explains their personal formula for happiness and the importance of meeting certain criteria each day.

Personal Formula for Happiness

The speaker states that their happiness is not dependent on impressive achievements.

They share their criteria for a good day: create, move, learn, connect, appreciate, and contribute.

The speaker emphasizes that there are multiple ways to achieve each criterion and it doesn't have to be a specific activity.

They mention that movement can be achieved through various activities like jiu-jitsu, boxing, or even going for a hike.

The speaker expresses the importance of meeting these criteria every day to live a fulfilling life.

They clarify that external factors like book deals or video views don't determine their happiness; it's about meeting their personal criteria.

This summary covers the available content in the transcript.

Taking Action and Completing Tasks

The speaker discusses the importance of taking action and completing tasks.

Importance of Finishing Tasks

It is crucial to complete the necessary actions.

Procrastination can hinder progress and success.

Taking responsibility for one's tasks leads to personal growth.

Overcoming Challenges

Facing challenges head-on is essential for personal development.

Embracing discomfort can lead to new opportunities.

Learning from failures helps in overcoming future obstacles.

Staying Focused and Motivated

Maintaining focus on goals is key to achieving success.

Finding motivation through passion and purpose drives productivity.

Setting realistic expectations helps in staying motivated.

Vulnerability in Relationships

The speaker explores vulnerability in relationships and its impact on connection.

Importance of Vulnerability

Being vulnerable allows for deeper connections with others.

Sharing personal stories or passions can create a sense of intimacy.

Different Forms of Vulnerability

Vulnerability can be expressed through compliments, laughter, or sharing nerdy interests.

Expressing passion about something can also be a vulnerable act.

Timing and Boundaries

Early on, it is important to choose vulnerability wisely.

Revealing all insecurities at once may not be beneficial.

Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Criticism

Disparaging oneself is not true vulnerability but rather presupposing others' opinions.

Fixing Others in Relationships

The speaker discusses the desire to fix partners in relationships and its implications.

Choosing Partners vs. Projects

Trying to fix someone often stems from choosing a partner as a project rather than accepting them as they are.

Acceptance and peace with who the person is today are essential in relationships.

Communication and Empathy

Constantly correcting or trying to fix a partner can lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Open communication about these concerns is crucial for understanding each other's needs.

Self-Reflection

Individuals should question their own motivations for wanting to fix their partners.

Choosing compatible partners from the beginning can prevent the need for fixing.

The transcript provided does not specify the language, so I have assumed it to be English.

The Importance of Authenticity in Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of being authentic in relationships and how hiding certain aspects or compromising can lead to resentment later on.

Being Authentic from the Start

It is common for people to hide or not mention things they don't like about their partner initially.

This can lead to problems later on when those hidden aspects become a big issue.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of connecting authentically from the start.

Compromising and Resentment

The speaker shares a personal experience where he compromised on his interests to keep his partner happy.

However, over time, resentment built up because he was not being true to himself.

Many people tend to play a part in early dating to create a smooth and romantic atmosphere.

This can result in sacrificing one's authenticity and true desires.

Understanding Differences

People often judge others quickly without trying to understand their motivations or reasons behind their actions.

Instead of immediately judging someone for doing things differently, it is important to be curious and seek understanding.

Differences between partners are inevitable, but taking the time to understand each other's perspectives can lead to deeper connections.

Embracing Differences in Relationships

In this section, the speaker encourages people not to give up on potential partners due to differences. Instead, he suggests embracing curiosity and seeking understanding as a way to connect with others.

Embracing Differences

It is easy to advise only dating people who already align with our preferences and avoiding those who do things we don't like. However, this oversimplifies relationships.

The speaker suggests that there will always be differences between partners, but not all differences should be deal-breakers.

Instead of immediately dismissing someone for their differences, take a moment to be curious about why they enjoy certain things or have different preferences.

Finding Common Ground

By seeking understanding and being open-minded, it is possible to find common ground even with people who have different interests.

The speaker highlights the importance of looking beyond surface-level differences and exploring the underlying values and desires that connect individuals.

Many great connections are missed because people judge based on immediate differences without seeking deeper connections.

Understanding Differences in Relationships

In this section, the speaker continues to emphasize the importance of understanding and connecting with others by exploring their interests and motivations.

Seeking Understanding

It is easy to make quick judgments about others when they have different interests or preferences.

Instead of immediately judging, take a moment to be curious about what drives them and why they enjoy certain things.

This process can lead to discovering similarities at a deeper level, even if the surface-level expressions differ.

Immediate Judgment

People often give up on potential partners due to immediate judgment of their differences without seeking to understand the underlying connections.

The speaker shares an example from his personal life where he initially judged one of his sponsors but later realized that there was more depth behind their choices.

By avoiding immediate judgment, we can avoid missing out on meaningful connections.

Long-Term Relationships and Fear of Boredom

In this section, the speaker discusses long-term relationships and addresses the fear of boredom that some may have. He shares his perspective on commitment and humility in relationships.

Humility in Commitment

The speaker acknowledges having humility when it comes to long-term commitments like marriage.

He emphasizes not pretending to know everything about something he hasn't experienced fully.

Fear of Boredom

The speaker asks if the interviewer has a fear of boredom in his relationship.

He shares his own experience of only being in relationships that lasted two to three years, and wonders how to maintain excitement over 30 years.

While he doesn't personally have a fear of boredom, he acknowledges that it is a valid concern for some.

The transcript continues beyond this point, but the provided timestamps do not cover the remaining content.

The Importance of Building a Meaningful Relationship

In this section, the speaker discusses their perspective on relationships and the importance of building a meaningful connection rather than pursuing casual relationships.

The Flaws of Casual Relationships

Casual relationships have not worked for the speaker in the past, as they only lead to temporary happiness followed by disappointment.

The speaker believes that true happiness comes from building a strong foundation with someone who has everything they desire in a partner.

Chemistry is an essential component of a successful relationship, and the absence of it can be detrimental.

The Value of Building Something Meaningful

The speaker emphasizes their desire to build something long-term rather than constantly starting over with new casual flings. They believe there is more fulfillment in creating something together.

Dating for the speaker felt like constantly resetting and never progressing towards something more significant. They see value in investing effort into a lasting relationship.

Personal Perspective on Long-Term Relationships

While acknowledging that being single or enjoying casual relationships may work for others, the speaker personally values long-term happiness and believes it requires effort and commitment.

The speaker does not want to settle for a relationship where sacrifices are made, but instead seeks pleasure and fulfillment while also valuing long-term goals.

Finding "The One" and Personal Growth

In this section, the speaker challenges the idea of finding "the one" and emphasizes personal growth as an important factor in preparing oneself for a meaningful relationship.

Dispelling the Myth of "The One"

The speaker rejects the notion that there is only one person destined for each individual. They believe that anyone can become "the one" through the process of building a strong connection and going the distance together.

Timing and Personal Growth

While timing can play a role in relationships, the speaker suggests that personal growth and self-work are crucial in being ready to receive a meaningful connection.

Rather than waiting for the perfect partner, individuals should focus on their own development and readiness for a committed relationship.

The Role of Building with Someone

In this section, the speaker emphasizes that someone becomes "the one" through the process of building something meaningful together.

Building a Strong Connection

The speaker believes that someone becomes "the one" based on what is built together rather than relying solely on initial compatibility or love at first sight.

Going the distance with someone determines whether they were truly meant to be "the one."

This summary provides an overview of key points discussed in the transcript but may not capture all details mentioned in the video.

Avoiding Decisions Due to Fear of Making the Wrong Choice

The speaker discusses the fear of making wrong decisions and how it can lead to avoiding decisions altogether. They reflect on their own insecurity and fear of permanence, using tattoos as an example.

Fear of Permanence and Making Wrong Choices

Many people avoid making decisions because they are terrified of making the wrong choice, especially when the decision feels high stakes.

The speaker shares their personal experience with tattoos, initially believing it was a terrible idea due to the fear of being stuck with something they may not like in the future.

They admit to never having a strong preference for clothing or anything else that could be considered permanent, which further fueled their insecurity about making lasting choices.

Evolving Meanings and Relationships with Permanence

The speaker realizes that some people who have tattoos have a different perspective on permanence. Over time, the meaning and significance of their tattoos evolve and change.

A client shared that her tattoos represent different things at different stages of her life, emphasizing that what may appear static to others is actually constantly evolving for her.

This insight leads the speaker to consider how relationships also change over time, comparing it to falling in love with someone repeatedly in different ways.

Insecurity and Lack of Productive Relationship with Permanence

The speaker acknowledges that their own relationship with permanence has been insecure and unproductive.

They mention Oliver Burkeman's book on commitment struggles as a valuable resource for those facing similar challenges.

Burkeman suggests that our fear of mortality or lack of acceptance plays a role in our difficulty committing or deciding on things. Trying to cram too much into our lives reflects an avoidance of acknowledging our limited time.

Coming to Terms with Mortality and Decision-Making

The speaker explores the connection between our fear of mortality and decision-making. They discuss how understanding the limited time we have can help us make more decisive choices.

Fear of Mortality and Lack of Acceptance

The speaker reflects on their tendency to plan for numerous activities they may never get to do, driven by a lack of acceptance that life is short.

They mention Oliver Burkeman's perspective on time management, where trying to fit too much into our days stems from an avoidance of acknowledging our mortality.

Making Decisions with Limited Time

Understanding the brevity of life can make decisions feel even more significant, as we realize we won't be able to experience everything.

Burkeman argues that there is no one right choice in many aspects of life, such as books to read or countries to visit. It's about making the most out of what we choose.

The speaker agrees with this perspective, emphasizing that settling should not be seen negatively but rather as a conscious decision to focus energy and create something extraordinary.

Settling For vs. Settling On

The speaker discusses the difference between settling for something and settling on something. They reflect on their previous advice regarding settling and offer a new perspective.

Demonizing Settling in Self-Development

The speaker acknowledges their past advice of "never settle" in self-development contexts but now questions its strength.

They realize that demonizing the concept of settling was common in self-development circles focused on optimization and maximizing potential.

Settling For vs. Settling On

Settling for implies accepting less than one's standards, while settling on suggests consciously choosing something and putting effort into making it extraordinary.

The speaker believes that settling on is a voluntary decision made with focus and energy, while settling for may imply giving up or accepting less than desired.

The transcript provided does not contain any further sections or timestamps.

Commitment and Settling

In this section, the speaker discusses their perspective on commitment and settling in life. They reflect on their experience of living in Los Angeles for 10 years and how they used to be uncertain about calling it home. However, they emphasize the importance of settling and investing in one's current situation to make the best out of it.

Commitment and Flexibility

The speaker mentions that although they have been doing their job for 15 years without any commitment issues, when asked if they see themselves doing it for their whole life, they express uncertainty.

They highlight the need to build flexibility into one's plans but caution against using it as an excuse to avoid settling on something.

By not settling, one misses out on the opportunity to make the best of a situation.

Settling in Los Angeles

The speaker shares a personal experience of contemplating whether to stay in Los Angeles or move elsewhere.

After considering different options, they ultimately decide to settle in Los Angeles again.

Once the decision is made, they notice a shift in mindset where they start investing more consciously in their current location.

Investing Where You Are

The speaker explains that once you start investing where you are, you begin making the best of your current situation.

This mindset allows you to let go of the idea that there is some perfect state outside of where you currently are.

They relate this concept back to the importance of ingredients and making the most out of what you have.

Importance of Vulnerability

In this section, vulnerability is discussed as a key aspect of personal growth and meaningful connections. The speaker expresses gratitude for engaging in a vulnerable conversation with thoughtful questions. They also acknowledge vulnerability as a catalyst for positive change in their own life.

Gratitude for Vulnerability

The speaker expresses gratitude for the opportunity to engage in a vulnerable conversation and appreciates the thoughtful questions asked.

They acknowledge that vulnerability is reflected in the kind of conversations one is open to having.

The importance of vulnerability is emphasized as it allows for personal growth and meaningful connections.

The Power of Vulnerability

The speaker shares how vulnerability has been instrumental in their own life, leading to positive changes.

They mention that being honest with oneself, controlling ego, and trying vulnerability in relationships have transformed their relationship and overall life.

Vulnerability has been the foundation for personal growth and success.

Embracing Acts of Kindness

In this section, the speaker reflects on their dark side, which involves mistrust and suspicion towards others' intentions. They discuss how embracing acts of kindness without any hidden agenda has been a part of their journey towards vulnerability and authentic connections.

Dark Side - Mistrust and Suspicion

The speaker reveals that their dark side involves thinking that everyone has an agenda and cannot be trusted.

Even when someone is being nice, they tend to be suspicious and remain on guard at all times.

Embracing Acts of Kindness

Despite their initial skepticism, the speaker acknowledges the importance of opening themselves up to acts of kindness without any hidden agenda.

They have learned to make peace with situations where there might be an ulterior motive but still choose to bring forward their authentic self.

Real friendships have played a significant role in helping them let go of mistrust and embrace genuine connections.

Timestamps are provided based on the transcript.

New Section

In this section, the speaker reflects on how people who had no reason to give them time and energy chose to do so, which challenged their limiting belief. This experience inspired the speaker to want to represent that kindness in the world and trust people.

Reflection on Kindness and Trust

People who had no reason to give the speaker time and energy chose to do so, which dissolved their limiting belief.

The speaker wants to represent that kindness in the world and be someone who trusts people, even though some may take advantage.

New Section

In this section, the speaker expresses gratitude for the conversation and highlights the importance of vulnerability in bringing about systemic change in men's mental health.

Importance of Vulnerability for Systemic Change

The speaker thanks Steve for a wonderful conversation and describes him as a necessary voice in promoting vulnerability among men.

Men's mental health issues often stem from an absence of expression, making conversations like these crucial.

New Section

In this section, there is a mention of Crafted, a jewelry brand that sponsors the podcast. The speaker shares their positive experience with Crafted's meaningful pieces of jewelry.

Sponsorship by Crafted Jewelry Brand

Crafted is a jewelry brand that makes meaningful pieces of jewelry known for their quality.

The speaker personally values reliable and beautiful pieces with significance rather than expensive ones. They have been wearing Crafted for a long time.

Listeners are encouraged to check out craftedlondon.com if interested in such jewelry.

New Section

In this section, the speaker concludes the podcast episode and invites listeners to share their thoughts on Crafted jewelry.

Conclusion and Invitation

The speaker concludes the podcast episode.

Listeners are invited to share their thoughts on Crafted jewelry by tagging the speaker.