David Kessler: How to find meaning after loss | TED
How to Deal with Difficult Feelings: Understanding Grief
Introduction to the Series
- Cloe Shasha Brooks introduces the TED interview series "How to Deal with Difficult Feelings," focusing on insights from psychologists and experts about managing difficult emotions.
- The guest for this episode is David Kessler, an author specializing in grief and loss, who has co-authored works with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
The Sixth Stage of Grief
- Cloe asks David about the sixth stage of grief beyond the commonly known five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
- David emphasizes that grief is not linear; there’s no single correct way to grieve. He shares his personal experience as a bereaved parent.
Finding Meaning in Grief
- David proposes that meaning is the sixth stage of grief. He clarifies that meaning does not exist within tragic events but emerges from our responses to them.
Seven Factors Guiding Meaning in Grief
- Meaning is Relative and Personal: Each individual's understanding of meaning varies based on their experiences.
- Time Required for Meaning: Discovering meaning can take months or years; it cannot be rushed.
- Understanding Not Required: One can find meaning without fully understanding why a loss occurred.
- Loss Is Not a Test: Loss should not be viewed as a lesson or gift; it simply happens in life.
- Personal Journey: Only individuals can discover their own meanings from their losses.
Post-Traumatic Growth
- David discusses post-traumatic stress versus post-traumatic growth, emphasizing that growth often occurs more frequently than stress after trauma.
Key Insights on Growth
- The goal isn't to minimize grief but rather to grow around it. It’s about evolving into a larger version of oneself through loss.
Addressing Audience Questions on Grief
Explaining Grieving Processes
- In response to a question about explaining grief to others, David notes that people may struggle to understand each other's unique grieving processes due to differing experiences.
Validity of All Losses
- He stresses that all losses are valid regardless of their nature—big or small—and should coexist without comparison.
Personal Anecdote on Shared Grief Experiences
Understanding Grief and Its Impact
The Nature of Grief
- Grief is a process that allows us to keep the memory of our loved ones alive; as long as we talk about them, they don't fully die.
- Seeking support during grief is essential; just like we seek help for physical issues, it's okay to ask for emotional support.
- There is no set timeline for grief; it lasts as long as the person is gone. Over time, grief may shift from pain to love.
Finding Meaning in Grief
- Starting the journey towards finding meaning in grief involves a conscious decision to live more fully and honor what has been lost.
- It's important to model healthy grieving behaviors for children, showing them that it's okay to be sad while also continuing with life.
Supporting Children Through Grief
- Children are often overlooked in discussions about grief; mourning is external while grief is internal, and we cannot force children to grieve.
- To help children understand their feelings, open conversations about loss are crucial. Honesty about death helps avoid confusion caused by euphemisms.
Collective Grief Post-Pandemic
- As society emerges from the pandemic, maintaining open conversations about grief will be vital. Understanding that grief is a natural part of life can foster healing.
Key Takeaways for Those Struggling with Grief
- If someone struggles deeply with their grief, reaching out for support—whether from friends or organizations—is critical.