The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck: Mark Manson | E111

Name: The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck: Mark Manson | E111
Uploaded: 2021-12-20T03:48:36.000Z
Duration: 3 h 8 min 9 s

Feeling Like an Outcast

In this section, Mark Manson talks about his childhood and how he felt like an outcast growing up.

Growing Up in the American South

Mark grew up in a conventional suburban American childhood.

He started feeling like an oddball when he was around 11-12 years old.

He was into art, music, and books which were not respected where he came from.

People were very sensitive to those who thought they were better than them.

Mark's Life Story

In this section, Mark talks about his life story and how he became a best-selling author.

From Pickup Artist to Entrepreneur to Blogger to Author

Mark used to be a pickup artist before becoming an entrepreneur.

His entrepreneurial journey led him to become a blogger.

He draws on all of these experiences in his writing.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck has sold more than 10 million copies.

Childhood and Parental Dynamics

In this section, the speaker talks about his childhood and parental dynamics. He describes his parents as good people who got divorced when he was young. The speaker explains that his parents came from emotionally dysfunctional families, which affected their ability to be fully functional emotionally.

Growing up in a Stoic Household

The speaker describes his household as stoic and distant.

His parents were not overbearing but rather hands-off.

As a result, the speaker could not go to his parents for emotional support or express feelings of insecurity.

Financial vs Emotional Support

The lack of emotional support was primarily what the family needed to function well.

The speaker's family was financially stable due to his father's successful plastics business.

Lessons Learned

The speaker learned at a young age that money does not solve problems.

He also learned that validation from women and being liked socially were important to him.

College Experience

In this section, the speaker talks about his college experience. He explains how going to school in Boston helped him grow socially and become more confident.

Positive Impact of Going to School in Boston

Going to school in Boston exposed the speaker to a different culture and environment.

This experience helped him become more confident and grow socially.

Overcoming Social Weaknesses

The speaker had a desperate need to be liked and be seen as cool.

Going to school in Boston helped him overcome these social weaknesses.

Lessons Learned

The speaker learned that money was not the solution to his problems.

He also learned that being confident and socially adept were important to him.

College Life and First Job

In this section, the speaker talks about his college life and how he overdid partying. He also discusses his first job in finance, which he found to be a terrible fit.

College Life

The speaker enjoyed having a good social life in college but overdid it by partying five or six nights a week.

He did not compromise his academic ambitions consciously but believed that finishing college was the most important thing.

The speaker managed to get okay grades while drinking every night.

First Job in Finance

The speaker's friends who played poker with him were going into finance, so he decided to do the same.

On his first day at an investment bank in Boston, the speaker thought about quitting after just two hours of training.

His boss did not allow him to read books during downtime and rejected his idea of automating data entry tasks using scripts.

The company had a notorious culture for being soul-destroying, and the speaker realized that he did not fit into the corporate world.

This section covers topics related to college life and first job experience in finance. The speaker talks about how he overdid partying during college but still managed to finish with okay grades. He then describes his experience working at an investment bank in Boston, where he felt like quitting on his first day due to its terrible culture.

The Four-Hour Work Week

In this section, the speaker talks about how the book "The Four-Hour Work Week" by Tim Ferriss was life-changing for him. He also discusses how the book made it sound easy to build a business online, but in reality, it was much harder than he anticipated.

Starting an E-commerce Business

The speaker tried to create some e-commerce businesses and spammy SEO blogs with affiliate links.

His goal was to make $2k a month and then travel to Argentina.

One of his websites was focused on dating advice and promoting dating ebooks written by other people.

Journey into Pickup Artistry

The speaker found himself falling into the pickup artistry world when he was in his early 20s.

He took to it pretty hard and quickly because it scratched that itch of insecurity he had from his childhood.

There were many talented and successful guys who were also into pickup artistry during that time period.

The incentives and appeal of that world were probably quite similar to the speaker's own insecurities and desire for validation from women.

Self-help Disguised as Dating Advice

In the 2000s, self-help and personal development were not socially acceptable for men.

Making it about dating sex made it socially okay.

Most of the pickup advice was just self-help disguised as dating advice with useful tips on social skills, self-esteem, confidence, hygiene, etc.

The Impact of Social Acceptance on Self-Improvement

In this section, the speaker discusses how social acceptance has changed over time and how it is now more acceptable for men to work on themselves and their emotions.

Changes in Social Acceptance

It is now socially acceptable for men to work on themselves and their emotions.

In the past, it was taboo for men to focus on self-improvement.

Men used to rely on a "code" or instruction manual to solve complex problems like getting laid.

Impact of Social Acceptance

Learning about self-improvement through pickup helped resolve issues with self-esteem and rejection.

Rejection can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth.

The speaker's first relationship ended badly, leading him to question his understanding of love and relationships.

First Love and Heartbreak

In this section, the speaker talks about his first serious relationship that ended badly. He discusses how he handled the heartbreak at the time and reflects on what he learned from the experience.

First Relationship

The speaker had a serious relationship before learning about pickup.

The relationship was unhealthy, dysfunctional, and immature.

Despite treating each other poorly, they stayed together because they were in love.

Heartbreak

The breakup was bad - she cheated on him and left him for another guy.

The speaker's understanding of love and relationships was shattered by the breakup.

Pickup helped the speaker learn about healthy relationships and self-improvement.

Understanding Healthy Relationships

In this section, the speaker discusses how relationships require a skill set that is not often taught and must be learned through trial and error. They emphasize the importance of having a healthy relationship with oneself before pursuing a healthy relationship with others.

Characteristics of a Good Relationship

A good relationship starts with a healthy relationship with oneself.

Being able to approach the relationship with vulnerability is necessary for building trust and respect.

Open dialogue is key to building trust and respect in a relationship.

Coming 100% honest about everything on the table builds trust and allows for starting from a healthy place.

Importance of Self-Awareness

Going through failed relationships can help one understand what's healthy, what's not, what they need as an individual, and how to give to others.

Relationships require skills that are not often taught, so learning through trial and error is necessary.

Having self-respect enables setting boundaries and avoiding poor treatment from others.

Working on personal baggage and trauma is important before entering into any romantic relationships.

Dangers of Seeking Validation Through Relationships

Seeking validation through relationships when one is fundamentally not ready for them can lead to toxic cycles of negative reinforcement.

This cycle involves getting into toxic relationships, which further smashes self-esteem, making one less capable of having a healthy relationship but more desperate for one.

Working on Yourself

In this section, the speaker talks about how working on oneself is important and how it can lead to an upward spiral.

Importance of Working on Oneself

The speaker compares telling someone to work on themselves to telling someone who wants a six-pack to eat vegetables.

It's the last thing anyone wants, but it's necessary for personal growth.

Working on oneself leads to an upward spiral where one becomes more confident and proud of oneself, leading to further self-improvement.

Unhealthy Relationships

The speaker describes how emotions can blind us in relationships.

Unhealthy relationships feel like pushing a boulder up a hill, while healthy relationships feel like pushing a rock down a hill.

Eventually, one learns from these experiences and realizes that chasing highs is not fulfilling in the long-term.

Happiness vs. Highs

The speaker makes a distinction between happiness and highs.

Highs are temporary moments of pleasure, such as meeting an attractive person or making money.

Happiness is the inversion of highs and requires sustained effort towards personal growth.

Pursuing Happiness and Success

In this section, the speaker talks about his journey of pursuing happiness and success. He shares how he started with women and parties in his 20s, then moved on to building a successful business, followed by traveling around the world. However, he realized that these were just temporary highs that required more effort to achieve the same level of satisfaction.

The Danger of Chasing Highs

Pursuing temporary highs can be dangerous as it takes more effort to achieve the same level of satisfaction.

Chasing highs requires giving up subtle but important things like stability, comfort, and security.

It's essential to understand what we are willing to give up for those highs.

Living our values is crucial in understanding what truly makes us happy.

The Struggle with Insecurities

Childhood insecurities can still affect us as adults and make it challenging to change our values.

It's essential to recognize our conscious values and not let insecurities dictate our actions.

Learning from Failures

We need to live our values and have them fail us before we can truly understand their importance.

Pursuing temporary highs can lead to regret when we realize we've lost touch with people who matter.

The Illusion of Material Possessions

Material possessions like a Lamborghini or a big house may provide temporary pleasure but do not fix anything in the long run.

Overall, the speaker emphasizes the importance of living according to our values rather than chasing temporary highs. He also highlights how material possessions do not bring lasting happiness and success.

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Using People as a Means to an End

In this section, the speaker discusses how using people as a means to an end is not only unethical but also impractical in personal development.

Ethics and Practicality of Personal Development

Using someone as a means to an end in personal development is like dating someone just to impress others.

Treating people well and putting them first is good personal development advice.

Focusing on people first leads to long-term success, while focusing on money or accolades can lead to reputational damage.

Sleazy sales tactics may lead to short-term success but ultimately destroy one's brand.

Finding Your Purpose in Life

In this section, the speaker talks about finding one's purpose in life and how it requires going through dead ends before discovering what truly matters.

Importance of Asking "Why"

In today's society driven by comparison, it can be difficult to determine one's values and desires.

Many people don't know what they want; they just want to avoid feeling insecure.

Pursuing dead ends helps individuals realize what they truly want in life.

It takes time and experience for individuals to earn the right to ask themselves why they want something.

Discovering One's Purpose

Individuals need to hit a few dead ends before discovering their true purpose in life.

Pursuing dead ends helps individuals understand why they are doing something and whether it aligns with their values.

Finding Fulfillment Beyond Pick-Up Artistry

In this section, the speaker discusses his realization that pick-up artistry and coaching were not fulfilling for him in the long term. He discovered that many of his clients needed therapy rather than dating advice.

Realization About Coaching

The speaker realized that coaching and teaching dating advice was not fulfilling for him in the long term.

He began to realize that what his clients really needed was therapy to address deep-seated insecurities and emotional issues.

Pivoting to Personal Development

The speaker decided to pivot from being a dating coach to writing about personal development and emotional health.

He realized that writing about deeper topics like self-esteem, self-worth, and vulnerability was more fulfilling than writing about superficial topics like first dates or how to get someone to reply to a text.

Core Values

Honesty is a core value for the speaker, both with others and with himself.

Generosity is another core value he has discovered over time.

Importance of Community and Honesty

In this section, the speaker discusses the importance of community and honesty in his life. He talks about how he had to learn to accept the value of community after being a loner for a long time. He also emphasizes the importance of being honest with oneself and others.

Community

Living abroad forced him to accept his own loneliness.

Achieving great things in business made him realize that having no one around him felt pointless.

Moved back to the US with a goal of having a stable group of friends who are on the same path as him.

Honesty

Being honest with oneself is necessary to be true to oneself.

Constant work in progress, like building a mental habit.

One tool is constantly asking "why" and trying on different answers.

Finding like-minded people dedicated to honesty can be great sounding boards.

Bringing Honesty into Business Dealings

When starting out, saying yes to everything is necessary due to desperation for opportunities.

At some point, learning to say no gracefully becomes important since there are more opportunities than one can handle.

Saying No and Personal Responsibility

In this section, Mark Manson talks about how he handles saying no to requests and the importance of personal responsibility.

Handling Requests

Mark explains that he tries to respect requests made to him, but sometimes has to say no.

He has a rule for himself where he only does four events per year and is already booked. This way, it's not personal when he turns down a request.

When turning people down, Mark explains that he tells them his rule and that if it's not a "hell yes," then it's a "no."

Importance of Personal Responsibility

Mark believes that personal responsibility is crucial for improving one's life.

Rejecting the idea of personal responsibility disempowers oneself from ever improving their situation.

People often mistake responsibility for fault. Mark gives an example of getting hit by a car - it may not be your fault, but you still have the responsibility to take control of your recovery.

The Undercurrent of Personal Responsibility

In this section, Mark Manson discusses the importance of personal responsibility in society.

Personal Responsibility in Society

Some people don't like the idea of personal responsibility because it turns the mirror on them and takes away excuses.

Personal responsibility is necessary for improvement because it acknowledges one's power and influence over their life.

There is always a choice in every moment, which means there is always some level of responsibility for that choice.

Why People Dislike Personal Responsibility

Mark believes that some people dislike personal responsibility because they would rather have a "puppet master" to blame for their circumstances.

People often mistake responsibility for fault, which can lead to feelings of guilt and shame.

Accepting Responsibility and Letting Go of Victimhood

In this section, the speaker discusses why it is difficult for people to accept responsibility for their lives and let go of victimhood. He explains that people get attached to their stories and identities, which are often based on negative experiences. He also talks about how social media can reinforce victimhood and self-pity.

Accepting Responsibility

People find it difficult to accept responsibility because it means they have to change something uncomfortable.

People get attached to their stories and identities based on negative experiences.

Letting go of victimhood is scary because it means letting go of an identity that provides sympathy from others.

Happiness as a Choice

Happiness is a choice in every moment because we choose what to focus on.

Positive thinking is about choosing how to see things in every moment.

Accessing happiness is a question of knowing how to access it and choosing to do so.

Expectations

Expectations can be dangerous because they can lead to disappointment if they are too high or too low.

The Buddhist approach of having no expectations can be useful in managing anxiety.

Managing Anxiety and Emotions

In this section, the speakers discuss anxiety and how to manage it. They also talk about managing emotions as a skill.

Anxiety Management

Everyone feels anxiety, but managing it is a skill.

The most confident person on the planet feels anxiety; what's different is that they manage it effectively.

Managing emotions is like a skill that can be learned.

We each have a natural talent for some emotions and not others.

Increasing Mental Health Ailments

Mental health ailments are increasing in the world, possibly due to overdiagnosis or constant stimulation.

Lack of something to strive for is at the root cause of many mental health issues.

Comfort vs. Meaning

There seems to be a subtle trade-off between comfort and meaning in life.

Life was simpler 100 years ago when most people lived on farms; it was easier to know what gave life meaning.

The Cost of Affluence and Comfort

In this section, the speakers discuss how society's affluence and comfort have led to people being hit with difficult questions about their purpose in life at a young age.

Affluence and Comfort Lead to Existential Questions

Young people today have grown up with incredible technology, access to all information in the world, and more education than anyone in human history.

However, they are also hit with difficult questions about their purpose in life at a young age.

When people become comfortable and free, they often experience an existential crisis.

This is because physical hardship is traded for emotional and mental hardship.

Personal Experiences with Financial Freedom

One speaker shares that financial freedom destabilized him when he was 25 years old. He had been trying to survive before someone offered him tens of millions of dollars for his company.

After becoming a bestselling author, another speaker experienced a similar feeling when massive royalty checks started coming in. He felt lost and unsure of what to do next.

Earning Your Purpose

Both speakers agree that it's important to earn your purpose rather than having it handed to you.

It's easier to know what you're gunning for when you're starting out with nothing to lose.

Once you've achieved success, it becomes harder to know what your next goal should be.

English Feeling Lost After Achieving Success

In this section, the speaker talks about feeling lost and aimless after achieving success. He shares his experience of struggling to understand why he was feeling ungrateful despite experiencing the most success of his entire career.

Adjusting to Sudden Success

The speaker's friend, who was a co-founder of a unicorn startup, explained that every founder experiences feeling lost and aimless after achieving success.

Famous comedians the speaker interviewed for his podcast also shared similar experiences of feeling lost after achieving their first special.

The velocity of success can make it difficult for one's mind to adjust. Gradual growth allows for more time to adapt.

The speaker struggled with understanding why he felt ungrateful despite experiencing so much success.

Mental Adjustments and Finding a New Why

Learning to say no to speaking gigs and other opportunities helped the speaker realize that he didn't need to accept everything that came his way.

Finding another "why" helped the speaker readjust his thinking and strive for new goals even if they may not reach the same level of success as before.

Letting go of labels and identities associated with past successes allowed the speaker to explore new possibilities without being beholden to a narrow lane.

Switching Off Between Projects

After working hard on projects for six years, the speaker is now in between work. He discusses how he approaches switching off during this phase.

The Value of Finding the Off Switch

In this section, the speaker talks about the importance of learning how to find an off switch and taking time off from work.

Learning to Work Hard and Find the Off Switch

Learning to work hard is a valuable life skill.

It's important to learn how to find an off switch and take time off from work.

Constantly hustling and striving can lead to irrational beliefs that everything will disappear if you stop working.

Taking time off can be recharging for creativity and help with identity.

Changing Your Why

Your "why" is always changing, and it's important to take time away from work to reflect on what you want in life.

Getting distance from something allows you to disidentify from it, which helps with reflection on your goals.

The speaker lost his "why" after his book became successful but regained confidence that he could do it again.

Excitement in Freedom

Having confidence in your abilities can lead to excitement in freedom without feeling disorientated.

The speaker feels like a kid in a sandbox with the freedom he has now.

The Freedom of Success

In this section, the speaker talks about how success has given him the freedom to pursue new opportunities and experiences.

Success Brings Freedom

With success comes resources and connections that open up new opportunities.

The speaker no longer needs to fight for his success as he has earned it.

He feels a sense of freedom to pursue amazing things without worrying about holding onto what he has achieved.

Favorite Quote

In this section, the speaker shares his favorite quote from David Foster Wallace and explains why it resonates with him.

A Liberating Quote

The speaker's favorite quote is from David Foster Wallace: "You'll stop worrying so much what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do."

The quote is dark but liberating because it reminds us that people are not always thinking about us as much as we may think they are.

The quote ties into the theme of the interview, which is about finding freedom in success and not worrying about external validation.

Importance of Struggle

In this section, the interviewer praises the speaker's work for presenting a different perspective on self-help and personal development. They discuss how struggle is often overlooked in society but is necessary for growth and meaning.

Challenging Perspectives on Self-Help

The interviewer praises the speaker's books for being refreshing, multifaceted, nuanced, and challenging in fundamental ways.

They discuss how struggle is often overlooked in society, but the speaker's work emphasizes its importance for growth and meaning.

The interviewer thanks the speaker for their time and acknowledges that they are doing a real service to society.

Call to Action

In this section, the speaker makes a quick request for listeners to subscribe to their podcast as an indication of whether the episode is good or not.

Subscribe to the Podcast

The speaker asks listeners to hit the subscribe button on whatever platform they are listening on.

They explain that their team uses subscriber numbers as an indication of whether an episode is good or not.

No further content after this point.