What Does Kevin Want the World to Know About Mental Illness?

Understanding Mental Illness and Its Impact

• Kevin emphasizes that having a mental illness does not equate to a limited life, expressing hope to demonstrate this truth.

Early Symptoms of Mental Illness

• At age 10, Kevin experienced multiple instances of abuse, leading to his first psychotic episode characterized by auditory hallucinations resembling an orchestra tuning up.

• He describes the experience as terrifying, recalling how he would see shadowy figures and felt as if his life had turned into a horror film.

Family Dynamics and Religious Influence

• Despite his experiences, Kevin did not disclose his symptoms due to a close relationship with his religious grandmother who instilled beliefs about demons and God in him.

• This religious context contributed to the nature of his psychosis, where he believed he was communicating with the Devil.

Coping Mechanisms During Adolescence

• By age 13, Kevin resorted to substance use (drugs and alcohol), skipping school as coping mechanisms for both trauma from abuse and fear regarding his father's health.

• He eventually confided in his father about wanting to die and using drugs; this led him to receive help through psychiatric units.

Experiences in Psychiatric Units

• Kevin recounts being placed in psychiatric care multiple times during adolescence. His first stay taught him about emotions but also instilled fear regarding expressing anger.

• He reflects on feeling institutionalized after spending significant time in hospitals and halfway houses during critical teenage years.

Struggles with Homelessness

• Following the death of his father at age 15, which was a major fear for him growing up, Kevin faced worsening symptoms leading to homelessness after being kicked out of the family home.

• He describes dangerous behaviors such as lighting fires without understanding why they were therapeutic for him amidst increasing stress from losing family support.

Transitioning Through Foster Care

• After dropping out of school due to overwhelming circumstances, he spent time in foster care where he struggled with independence but eventually moved into an apartment that he could not maintain.

Music as a Coping Mechanism

Early Musical Influences

• The speaker comes from an artistic family with a father who played piano and acted, while the mother was a dancer.

• Initially resistant to learning guitar, the speaker threw it under the bed after one lesson due to difficulty reading music but later began experimenting with it.

Writing Songs for Emotional Outlet

• Faced with personal struggles and limited outlets, the speaker started writing songs using basic chords (D, C, G), expressing teenage angst and feelings of isolation.

• Performing at a local coffee house garnered positive attention, igniting a passion for music that became central to their life.

Experiences of Homelessness

• The speaker experienced homelessness without their friends or family knowing, seeking refuge in Harvard Square among other homeless teens known as "Pit rats."

• After losing their guitar, they found unconventional sleeping arrangements in public bathrooms to feel safe at night.

Vulnerability and Seeking Stability

• The dangers faced by homeless teens included predators; this vulnerability led the speaker to join the Army as a means of escape.

• Despite initial skepticism from family about joining the Army, the experience provided structure and pride until an injury forced them out.

Life Changes in Alaska

New Beginnings

• Moving to Alaska at age 24 or 25 brought stability; they secured employment and fell in love while becoming a father.

• Living with family reduced symptoms of anxiety related to past traumas; companionship helped mitigate fears.

Challenges of Single Parenthood

• Following an abusive relationship that ended after four years, the speaker struggled with single parenthood while managing mental health issues.

• A turning point occurred when they were arrested for stealing food while trying to provide for their son during difficult times.

Mental Health Struggles

Court Intervention and Mental Health Support

• During court proceedings following their arrest, the judge recognized signs of mental distress and referred them to mental health court instead of traditional sentencing.

Understanding Mental Health Through Personal Experience

The Journey to Diagnosis

• The speaker shares a transformative conversation with a supportive individual who acknowledges their experiences of seeing and hearing things, leading to the addition of psychosis to their bipolar diagnosis.

• Receiving the diagnosis was perceived as a blessing, shifting the speaker's belief from feeling inherently flawed by God to understanding that they have an illness that can be worked on.

Coping with Homelessness and Parenting

• The speaker reflects on six years of homelessness while being a father, attributing their survival during this challenging time to divine intervention.

• They describe the complexities of single parenting amidst personal struggles, emphasizing the need to compartmentalize traumatic experiences for the sake of their child.

Hallucinations and Daily Struggles

• The speaker discusses experiencing hallucinations where loved ones appear as demons momentarily, highlighting the challenge of maintaining parental love despite these frightening perceptions.

• They often wake up in crisis mode, dealing with negative external dialogues and emotional turmoil at the start of many days, which complicates their ability to parent effectively.

Creative Expression through Music

• To articulate their feelings about waking up grumpy due to mental health challenges, they wrote a song titled "Good Morning, Psychosis," serving as an outlet for expression.

• Lyrics from the song reflect internal battles with intrusive thoughts and emotions tied to mental health struggles.

Performance and Emotional Release

• When performing "Good Morning, Psychosis," the speaker experiences intense visuals and anxiety but finds catharsis in expressing themselves through music.

Understanding Bipolar and Schizoaffective Disorders

Personal Diagnosis Journey

• The speaker identifies as a "very depressive bipolar person" diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with psychosis, CPTSD, and mentions the lack of official recognition for CPTSD.

• Recently diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which includes experiencing psychosis during mood disorders and also outside of them, distinguishing it from schizophrenia.

Impact of Diagnosis on Treatment

• Emphasizes the importance of accurate diagnosis when seeking help in emergency situations to avoid misinterpretation of symptoms as an episode. Identifying as schizoaffective helps clarify their condition to medical professionals.

• The formal diagnosis was changed about a year and a half ago, highlighting the evolving nature of mental health diagnoses over time.

Life Changes and Recovery Efforts

• At age 35, faced significant life challenges including probation for theft; made the difficult decision to have their son live with family for his betterment while they focused on recovery in Alaska.

• After completing probation, moved back home to learn about mental health through day programs and aimed to make recovery their full-time job instead of traditional work due to past beliefs about employment.

Role as a Peer Specialist

• Became a peer specialist, using personal experiences to assist others facing similar struggles; this role provided purpose that previous hardships lacked. It involves meeting clients where they are in their journey and offering education and resources for empowerment.

• Worked in this field for four years before returning to Social Security due to overwhelming life circumstances after losing a job, indicating the ongoing challenges faced despite progress made earlier.

Coping Mechanisms and Current Symptoms

• Discusses reliance on their dog for emotional support during recovery; highlights how pets can provide safety against paranoia and loneliness experienced during tough times.

The Impact of a Beloved Pet on Mental Health

The Role of the Dog in Emotional Support

• The speaker describes how their 100-pound pit bull provided a sense of safety and comfort, especially during times of high anxiety. The dog's hypervigilance helped the speaker feel more secure in public spaces.

• The dog was attuned to the speaker's moods, offering companionship and cuddles during anxious moments, which significantly improved their emotional state.

Coping with Loss

• Losing the dog was profoundly difficult for the speaker; they express ongoing grief even a year later, highlighting the deep bond they shared. A picture of the dog still evokes strong emotions.

• The speaker reflects on how much daily support and love they received from their pet, emphasizing that this loss has left a significant void in their life. They articulate feelings of uncertainty about returning to a pre-dog state where they felt scared every night.

Musical Expression as Healing

• In response to their grief, the speaker wrote a song titled "Inspired," expressing gratitude and love for their dog while also motivating themselves to strive for betterment in her memory. This creative outlet serves as both tribute and therapy.

Daily Routines and Recovery

• After spending time in a shelter away from their dog, the speaker discusses establishing strict daily routines that prioritize recovery as part of managing mental health challenges. These routines are essential for rewiring negative thought patterns into positive ones.

• The importance of finding reasons to live is emphasized; simple joys like nature or family become focal points for maintaining hope amidst struggles with suicidal ideation stemming from past trauma related to losing loved ones.

Songs as Coping Mechanisms

• The speaker shares insights into writing another song called "Before," created during moments when thoughts of self-harm resurfaced while facing homelessness again. This song serves as both an immediate coping mechanism and preparation for future challenges ahead.

Themes in "Before"

• Lyrics reflect resilience despite fatigue and past struggles; it emphasizes that although battles may be hard, there’s strength found in previous experiences overcoming adversity—reinforcing determination not to succumb to despair again.

What Should Viewers Remember About Mental Disorders?

Life Beyond Stability

• The speaker emphasizes that for individuals with mental disorders, there is a life beyond mere stability.

• They critique the industry's focus on achieving stability as the primary goal, suggesting it is important but not the only aspect of recovery.